This topic can stir up a lot of different emotions. Some people may laugh but others may be able to relate. I hope I can help some people to gain a new understanding of this topic. This topic is mental illness (MI). As I write this I am currently still struggling with my mental illness (OCD-depression-anxiety-non-epileptic seizures…how ever you want to label it), however, I want to be able to use my struggle to encourage other people who may be dealing with something similar and help my family and friends understand what I’m going through. That is why I have decided to get back into blogging.
Being a Christian certainly does not make us immune to MI, but Christians may be less likely to admit to struggling mentally. /some Christians can be very uptight about these kinds of things. “We can’t possibly have depression because we have Jesus as our savior!” I have even read that Christians ought not be depressed because it is a bad witness to the gospel, but lets face it…we all struggle from time to time!
Medical professionals now recognize MI’s as ILLNESSES. Now, I definitely agree with this, but I also believe that Satan is allowed to test us too. Even some of the greatest men in the bible had fears and struggles! I believe that Job, David, Paul, and even Jonah were depressed at some point. The psalms are full of David’s struggles-but also full of encouragement and help! (For example, refer to previous post for Psalm 13)
Over the past year I have experienced fears and emotions like never before. Sometimes, I just want to run away and hide…but I know that wont help me move forward and wont help me in the long run.
I’ve always viewed myself as an “in control” person. No matter what life threw at me I appeared to take it in stride, even though for 11 years I also delt with very scary tormenting thoughts. They were way too scary and “crazy” to talk to anyone about. So, for 11 years I never spoke of them…I never even wrote about them!
Then, in November 2012 I began to have non-epileptic seizures-a result of stress and anxiety. No body else could see any signs of stress or anxiety in my life…not even my councillor. I kept these thoughts to locked up inside that I couldn’t even bring myself to even think about disclosing my thoughts to anyone. So I continued to struggle with these seizures with ‘no real cause’ until June 2013.
On thst day I was feeling like I was totally ready to give up. My crazy thoughts running through my head were getting to be way too much. At the same time my mother was really digging to find the cause of my anxiety. So then, at our kitchen table, I began to spill out all my secrets that had been eating away at my soul for 11 years.
Opening up about my secrets provided me with some relief….but it also created so much more anxiety. I began to fear, now that everyone knew my thoughts, that people would judge me based on my thoughts. Although I still struggle to believe it, I have since learned that this is not the truth. My family and friends still loved me with my crazy intrusive thoughts.
Even with the OCD diagnosis and feeling accepted and supported…for some reason my thoughts and compulsions still spiralled out of control. Even with medication to help, I became so distressed over my near-constant intrusive thoughts that I began to have suicidal thoughts and did self harm as “disciplinary” acts. These were things I had no control over…and still have no control over. I’m still struggling and even writing this from my bed in the mental health unit of the hospital. I’m still severely distressed by my thoughts. I’m hurting and this journey is quite literally a fight for my life.
I want to encourage anyone who may be dealing with any kind of MI or anyone who is just feeling a little down: this will NOT be forever and your fighting here on earth is not going unnoticed. God seed you hurting right now and he can give you hope and comfort if you allow him. He will give you the strength you need for each moment. 1 in every 4 people deal with a MI…so you are NOT ALONE in this battle. There is medical help for MI’s with medications and treatment which can work well (especially when aided with scripture and lessons the Lord teaches you!)
Have you ever heard the saying “You travel in the direction you’re looking”? I completely agree with this, that if you are continually looking down you will travel in that direction…but doing the opposite is easier said than done. There are times when no matter how hard I try focusing on scriptures or singing worship/praise to the Lord, that the darkness continues to consume me; suffocating me. These are the moments I believe the Lord uses the people around you to carry you. I am so fortunate to have such loving and supportive family and friends who are there for me when I need them, who I know will pray for me, and be available for me to text/call when I need to.
We all have times when we need the support of others and it’s important to have safe places to go when it all gets too much.
One thing I know for sure: even in the midst of this darkness, the Lord is here with me. It’s only when I have these moments of clarity that I can see this.
Hold on to Gods promises. Keep looking up and keep going, I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment