These days people seem to make a big deal of telling people to "hold on" or "be strong"...but you know what...?
It's okay to not always be strong.
It's okay to break down and it's okay to cry.
Some days are just hard and we need to accept them as they are. Some days all I can do is cry out to God to come save me from this mess of a mind I carry on my shoulders. Some days my heart is in such a shamble that I wonder how I managed to get dressed in the morning never mind survive the day...but you know what...?
That's okay too.
Some days are just hard and that's okay.
Having a bad day and breaking down doesn't mean you're going to have a bad day everyday.
It simply means that you had a bad day.
Crying on a hard day doesn't make you weak, it simply makes you human.
It's okay to not always be okay and it's okay to not always be strong.
Fight when you can but relax when you need to. It's okay to be scared and overwhelmed just don't let it consume you.
Let it be okay to not be okay and okay to not always be strong. When we are so weak we feel like quitting we must allow God to continue to carry us through no matter how badly you want to give up. Gods power is made perfect when we are not enough.
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9New Living Translation (NLT)
Over the past year and a half I have been battling severe depression (which leads to suicidal thinking)-along with psychosis (Which is mainly controlled with medication now) and severe OCD. In that time my depression has been in a downward spiral. Even with each medication we tried I've just been feeling worse and worse. Medications were making me feel hopeless. I felt as if every few months my dr would say, "Here's another medication to try. It may work but probably not so welcome to your life for the next two months while we wait to see if this works" (OK, maybe they didn't quite say it like that...) Then every few months I would report "No change" (in fact, I was feeling worse). I've been stuck in a hopeless downward spiral of depression. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but the OCD makes me need to try and distract myself from my thoughts. No matter how hard I've tried to make myself feel happy I'm just not. Happiness feels so distant; out of reach.
Because nothing is helping my depression we are trying electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday they put me to sleep and then shock my brain into a controlled seizure. The weird thing about ECT is that no one knows exactly how/why it works. All they know is that it "resets" the chemicals in the brain.
I started ECT on Wednesday (Jan. 21st) and I'll have up to 20 treatments. There is a lot of hope that ECT will work for me. I've seen a few other people have really great results from ECT and I'm hoping to see the same for me. So far I've only had two treatments so it is too early to see a change but the treatments have gone really well-my body is responding well to the treatments.
After the ECT is finished we will still be going to Toronto to get assessed and get some treatment for the OCD.
In the Bible, Canaan was a land with giants. The Anakites may have been 7-9' tall. Many of the walls around the city were up to 30' tall! The Israelites fear was understandable but not justified because the All Powerful God had already promised them victory. Sometimes I find myself fearful of the war raging inside my heart. The battle of good & evil; joy & sadness. I focus on the negatives and doubt God will actually pull through and help me find victory.
"Where can we go? Our brothers made us lose heart. They say the people are stronger and taller than we are with walls up to the sky. We even saw Anakites there.Then I said to you 'Don't be shocked or afraid of them! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you just as you saw him do in Egypt and you saw how The Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you travelled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place." Deuteronomy 1:29-33
Although the road God wants us to take is sometimes scarier and harder, God has promised to lead the way and take care of us just as He has brought us this far in our journey.
Please pray that I will trust God when he says He will win the victory in my battle. Please pray that the ECT works and for as few side effects as possible.
