Recovery Update: The Joys and Sorrows of 2015

It's that time of year again when we evaluate everything we have accomplished over the past year.

THIS YEAR so much has changed! 

I spent the first 4 months (of a total of 9 month visit) in the new Parkwood mental health care hospital. During that time I received electro convulsive therapy (ECT-read past blogs for more info on that part of my journey). The ECT helped SO much but it was really only part of the treatment I needed to fully recover. Although my Dr. at that time thought that this was all I needed and I just needed to work out the rest with a psychologist (who I happened to not get along with...for good reasons). So, even though I was still struggling with severe OCD (that seemed no further help could be offered) and major dissociative episodes, my psychiatrist decided to send me home in May. 

I was home for a total of 3 weeks where I struggled through each and every day and night. After I had been home for a few weeks my primary contact at the hospital suddenly changed (I'm not ok with sudden changes!) and then my psychiatrist announced she was moving to a different hospital and I would be getting a new Dr. 

I felt shaken. Everything that was supposed to be my constant was shifting and the crazy thoughts in my head began to take over. Not just my mind but physically through dissociations.

So then, crisis after crisis occurred and my parents became understandably drained and had no choice but to let the crisis team to admit me to the hospital AGAIN. I spent several consecutive days unable to speak or communicate past nodding/shaking my head for yes or no. When I'm in this state I'm very irrational and tend to do things to hurt or injure myself badly or just run away, usually to somewhere unsafe (like the train tracks). I actually have very little memory of these times. I am very grateful for that but the things I do remember haunt me. Fortunately there are no full memories just little snapshots every once and a while and the memories of trying to get my bearings-calling my beyond-worried-mother when I "snap out" of the dissociation.

Once I was admitted I found out I would be put on a different unit than I had been on in my past stays over two years. I was super nervous about this move but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened! The nurses on this unit seemed to have a different perspective and had less judgement. Along with the new unit came a new psychiatrist! Again a huge, terrifying, change! But it worked out wonderfully!! I was supposed to see my new outpatient Dr (who I hadn't met yet) just a few days after I was admitted. So this lovely lady came to see me inpatient. She just walked into my room and started talking to me like we knew each other! Apparently she had come the day before and met me but I was in a dissociation and didn't say a word to her! She probably had no idea how she was going to help a patient who didn't talk! Eventually my new psychiatrist,  Dr. N, recognized my confusion and we did our introductions. I would soon find out what an incredible answer to prayer this Dr. was.

It didn't take me long to grow attached to Dr. N and apparently the feeling was mutual because she wasn't planning on taking on inpatients but she kept me (as inpatient then later as an outpatient!). As we got to know each other better she recognized how big a problem the OCD was and started me on Memantine: an experimental med for OCD and eventually Valproic Acid to help with the dissociations. This combination worked! Can you believe it!? After too many years of suffering my mind FINALLY had some relief!! And it took a while, but combined with individual "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" the dissociations came to an end too.

Isn't that a happy ending!?!? 

Suffering, suffering, suffering...then boom God sends some healing! 

When you think you can't go one more step...God steps in and walks a thousand until you have the strength to go on your own again. When you think you can't handle one more bad day...God sends someone to make you smile or laugh. If you think you're never going to get better, you think you're going to die from this terrible illness, you think your situation is completely hopeless...I promise you with everything in me, that God will step in and show you HEALING-but it will be on His time not yours. In the meantime He will be holding your right hand.

This time last year (it feels like so much longer than that!) I was in a really, really, terrible place. I did not have any desire to live or fight off my illness. When I reflected on the year that passed I felt like such a failure. I hadn't done anything to get me closer to my goals. In fact, my goals had turned to dust and all I was doing was passing time. This part of my life was so terrible that I don't even remember much of it, like I blocked it out of my memory. 

Now that I'm passed that, I'm doing everything I can not to go back, but I do need to look at this time so I can see and ponder all the wonderful ways God protected me: from cars passing when I dissociated on a street, from trains while I walked the tracks, from my countless suicide attempts, and from small things like infections from my deep cuts from the glass I picked up. It really is a miracle that I'm still here today. Now, near the end of this year, I thank God for the blessing of life. Even though it's still tough. I'm not yet fully recovered. Far from it, actually. But I'm way farther than I was. Somedays I still have to fight SO incredibly hard. It will be like that for a while still but I believe the worst is past. This is clichéd but: because of these struggles I am stronger, my faith is unshakable, I look for blessings more, and live life fully.

I can honestly say, for the first time in quite a while, that I am REALLY looking forward to all that the new year has to bring! I'm excited to have Zoë by my side full time. I'm excited to keep working on my OCD (well...sort of...it's the hardest thing to ever do but it has results that improve the quality of my life!). I'm excited to keep working on other aspects of my mental health and excited to (hopefully) get some answers for my physical health. I'm excited to be going to church again like normal people (as opposed to leaving the sanctuary or sitting in the balcony). I'm excited for the possibility of online courses in the fall (if things keep improving as they have). I'm also excited for small things, like, the possibility of living an outpatient life, the possibility of making new friends, and hanging out with old friends (doing fun things instead of visiting in a hospital setting).

Most of all I'm happy to just be living the life of a happy person.

So, thank you God, for an INCREDIBLE end to the year! I owe it all to you! I just want to know the person who created me and blessed me with this new outlook, better. I am fully yours!

To all those who haven't gotten this far in recovery yet...you will get there. It feels impossible and lonely. This journey is hard, I know. The way I feel now is so worth the fight! So I can't push you enough to keep fighting with all (even if it's only reaching out your hand!) the strength you can muster. You're going to make it because I am praying for each and every person who reads this blog.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have been following this journey! Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me, kept in contact, hugged me, taken time to make (temporary) changes-until I can overcome more of my OCD, to those who have gone out of their way to help me with my anxiety, or to those who just made me feel normal. I love and appreciate you all! 

I feel like a brand new person.

Personal Update-January 2015

Over the past year and a half I have been battling severe depression (which leads to suicidal thinking)-along with psychosis (Which is mainly controlled with medication now) and severe OCD. In that time my depression has been in a downward spiral. Even with each medication we tried I've just been feeling worse and worse. Medications were making me feel hopeless. I felt as if every few months my dr would say, "Here's another medication to try. It may work but probably not so welcome to your life for the next two months while we wait to see if this works" (OK, maybe they didn't quite say it like that...) Then every few months I would report "No change" (in fact, I was feeling worse). I've been stuck in a hopeless downward spiral of depression. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but the OCD makes me need to try and distract myself  from my thoughts. No matter how hard I've tried to make myself feel happy I'm just not. Happiness feels so distant; out of reach.

Because nothing is helping my depression we are trying electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday they put me to sleep and then shock my brain into a controlled seizure. The weird thing about ECT is that no one knows exactly how/why it works. All they know is that it "resets" the chemicals in the brain. 

I started ECT on Wednesday (Jan. 21st) and I'll have up to 20 treatments. There is a lot of hope that ECT will work for me. I've seen a few other people have really great results from ECT and I'm hoping to see the same for me. So far I've only had two treatments so it is too early to see a change but the treatments have gone really well-my body is responding well to the treatments.

After the ECT is finished we will still be going to Toronto to get assessed and get some treatment for the OCD.

In the Bible, Canaan was a land with giants. The Anakites may have been 7-9' tall. Many of the walls around the city were up to 30' tall! The Israelites fear was understandable but not justified because the All Powerful God had already promised them victory. Sometimes I find myself fearful of the war raging inside my heart. The battle of good & evil; joy & sadness. I focus on the negatives and doubt God will actually pull through and help me find victory. 

"Where can we go? Our brothers made us lose heart. They say the people are stronger and taller than we are with walls up to the sky. We even saw Anakites there.Then I said to you 'Don't be shocked or afraid of them! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you just as you saw him do in Egypt and you saw how The Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you travelled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place."  Deuteronomy 1:29-33

Although the road God wants us to take is sometimes scarier and harder, God has promised to lead the way and take care of us just as He has brought us this far in our journey.

Please pray that I will trust God when he says He will win the victory in my battle. Please pray that the ECT works and for as few side effects as possible.  

Held by Invisible Hands

Dear God,

I don't understand why you've placed me on this journey. Don't you see that it's too hard for me? Do you see me? Do you care? Where are you? Why aren't you helping me? How long will you leave me here struggling just to breathe? I'm drowning in pain; I weep all night long. My cheeks are stained with tears. How long must I wrestle with these thoughts and live with this sorrow in my heart? I've built up all these tall walls around me to keep everyone at a safe distance but I'm lonely, Lord. Heal me because I cannot go one more step. I am faint; my mind is in agony; all night long my soul is in anguish. I'm worn out from all my anxieties. How long, O Lord, how long?
Sincerely, The Hurt and Broken

Dear the Hurt and Broken,

I have heard your weeping. I keep track of all your sorrows. I have collected all your tears in my bottle. I have recorded each one in my book. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time for war and a time for peace. There is time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven. My timing is perfect for I know what I am doing. Although this season hurts, I have a plan for your life, trust me. Do not give up this fight because I know the outcome. I have already won the Victory. Daughter, I love you so much.
Sincerely, God

Dear God,

I'm sorry that I ever doubted you. I know that you are perfect and holy. I'm so grateful that you hear every tear that falls and answer every request. Help me to take hold of my faith and hang on no matter what the storms of tomorrow bring. Right now hope is dangled in the winds of uncertainty. I don't struggle with whether you will deliver on your promise to make something beautiful from the shattered remains of my life-I just wonder when. I thank you that I have recovered enough to believe that things will get better...somehow...someway. And maybe, just maybe, you're not finished with me yet. Please help me to survive until the next chapter of my life.
Sincerely, your Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Remember that I am holding you with invisible hands. Don't worry about the rest.

Sincerely, God

How May I Help You?

We all find ourselves in situations where we feel we have no control, where we feel hopeless and alone. Maybe you're suddenly without a job, lost in a stormy dark night, your relationship or marriage is spiralling out of control, your child shows you no respect, or a sickness or death leaves you breathless and now you feel your friends distancing themselves from you because they don't know what to say or do. What would you like people to do for you if you were in one of these situations?

Most likely you would want them to do for you as I would want you to do for me. When you know I am cutting to try and stop the pain, when I'm running away from fear, when I am hearing illogical voices in my head that are constantly telling me untruths, or when you see me crouching in a corner, alone and inclosed by an inescapable sadness, please:

Take my hand and lift me up.

Show me compassion, not pity or disgust.

Tell me, retell me, assure me, that I am a woman of worth and significance.

Show me you love me with an unconditional love (Don't just tell me!).

Show me grace.

Treat me as you would a "normal" person-because I am.

Invite me to be-and accept me as-your true friend.

Give me a shoulder to cry on.

Don't abandon me.

Don't be afraid to talk with me. I can share what I am comfortable with (some days will be different than others).

Try and understand me (all I ask is that you try).

Be honest and tell me what you're thinking.

Don't try and be my psychologist-leave that to the experts.

Pray for me and with me-only God is my complete healer!

Read/message me the truths of God's word to me-I need to be reminded often.




(SAY)

I'm here for you

You're not alone in this

You are important to me

Do you want a hug? (please ask because somedays it may make things worse)

When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you

I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I am here to listen and support you

I'm not going to leave or abandon you

You're not crazy

I love you (only if you mean it)

It sucks that you're in so much pain

I'm not going to leave you; I'm going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me

What can I do to help?

This must be very hard for you

I'm here for you; I'll always be here

You are amazing, strong, and beautiful

You'll get through this

You never have to apologize for your illness or feeling this way

I'm not scared of you


These statements show that you recognize that 
I am in pain, that you don't understand, and that you will be there for me anyways.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is give me a little escape from my mind. Distract me with something fun and leave my illness aside for a while. I love to have fun but sometimes my illness gets in the way. 

 I know I have significance in God's sight. I know I am loved by him and that gives me a sense of purpose, hope, peace, and comfort that no one will ever experience unless you know Jesus Christ personally...but would it ever feel great if I could feel that, and hear that from you as well. I know it would speed my recovery and it would give you a sense that God is using you to heal me.

Thank you to my wonderful Papa, Jim Johnston, for helping me with this post! I love you!

"Conceal; Don't Feel"

I watched Frozen again the other night and both times I watched it I couldn't help but notice the similarities to my life with MI (mental illness). Could Disney be speaking of the dangers of stigmatizing MI and the power that love and acceptance has in recovery? Honestly, I don't know...but the similarities were too much for me to pass up.

Elsa, one of the main characters in the film, has a "condition" that is strongly linked to her emotions. She has explosions of ice from her hands that she cannot control. With my mental illness I have emotions and actions that, at times, I cannot control.

When Elsa is little she accidentally hurts her sister, Anna, with her powers. I know there have been times where I have hurt other people when I've done things I didn't mean to do.

Elsa and her parents become afraid that Elsa will become completely uncontrollable. They chose to shield everyone from her powers by keeping them a secret. They give her gloves to control her ice powers. My family and I are big believers in raising awareness for MI but there still has been times when the stigma has seeped into our minds. My family has never asked me to keep my illness a secret though, and they are completely supportive of this blog. Unfortunately, this is not the case for many children and teens. Many people go undiagnosed because they are afraid to have something "wrong" with them, or if they are diagnosed, it's kept low key.

"Conceal; don't feel" became Elsa's motto. I could write a whole blog about trying to "control" my illness in a society that doesn't understand it.

Elsa learns to shut everyone out of her life, even the people who desperately wanted to connect with her. I can't even count how many times I've felt so unloveable and ashamed that i locked myself away from the people who care about me. To everyone who's been trying to love me: you deserve a medal.

In the movie, Elsa has an embarrassing public outburst which causes some confusion and even some harsh criticism. One man repeatedly calls her a monster and tries to convince everyone that she is unfit to rule the kingdom.  I'm not sure if this is a negative or positive that I can't remember most of what happens during a psychotic episode. Even though I can't remember, I still feel so embarrassed for doing such silly things that I wouldn't do in my right state of mind. At one point, Satan even had me convinced that I am unforgivable and that I would never make it to heaven.

Elsa runs away to the mountains by herself where she slowly learns to accept and even find beauty in her "condition." The lyrics to the song Let it Go (It's not just some little catchy song!) are so relatable to my life with MI! The song talks about holding everything inside because of shame, then "letting go" of it all, not letting the things that make you different hold you captive.

In the end, love is what restores Elsa, Anna, and their kingdom back to order. It is that love that inspires the entire kingdom to accept & embrace Elsa's powers. I know that I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for the power of unconditional love and support from my family, friends, and God.

Stigma keeps us silent.

Stigma keeps us away from others.

Stigma banishes us to the outskirts of society.

But love and acceptance can heal.

In order to teach the mentally ill how to love themselves; we must first learn how to love them.

It starts with the conversation. Lets talk!

(That is, if you can get Let it Go out of your head for a minute. ;)

Winter Update

~Waves ~  Therapeutic Doodling

Once again, its been a really long time since I've updated my blog. *sigh* There has been so much going on in my head that it's been difficult to put my thoughts all together so that they make sense. I've been back in the hospital for the last two months. Once again I have been letting the MI (mental Illness) stigma get in the way of me wanting to be open and honest about my story on here.  BUT-right now I'm going to set that aside because if I don't talk about this than who will..?

Our bodies can do some pretty insane things when we are under extreme amounts of stress. I think my body likes to find the most unique ways to express my stress. The most recent way is through psychosis. I've been so nervous about sharing this diagnosis because I feel as though people will automatically throw the "crazy" label on me as soon as they hear "psychosis."

The psychosis is caused by extreme stress and the psychosis causes extreme fear, anxiety, and paranoia. I've learned that I "compartmentalize" things in my mind to organize my life. It's as if I have a box in my mind for my emotions and a separate box for my thinking. When I access my "emotions box" the emotions take over and I loose my ability to think clearly. When this happens, there is a quick 'switch' in which the emotions begin to send messages to my brain saying "Go!" "Quick, get out of here!" "It's not safe!" My automatic reaction is to run away! I've even managed to escape from the locked unit of the hospital several times. I don't mean to do this and although I really want to go home I still do not want to run away. Right now I am unable to recognize this 'switch' that happens in my mind, therefore, I am unable to control my automatic reactions.

Right now my therapy consists of learning different ways to recognize what my body is telling me and recognizing when my body makes that 'switch'. If/when I do recognize that my body may be telling me that I'm stressed then I am supposed to use a "grounding technique". Grounding Techniques are anything that activate the senses such as holding cold ice, lighting & smelling a candle, petting an animal, listening to calm or very exciting music. 

This is a difficult part of recovery. I feel like so much of this stage of recovery is on me: things I need to learn and trial and error of new strategies - figuring out which ones will work for me. One of the coping tools I have been looking into is a service dog! I'm pretty excited about this. It would give me something to work towards and look forward to. Another coping strategy I have been using is little cards that my mom printed out for me that talk about our identity in Christ with verses on the back. 

You can find the cards here: 

http://www.proprofs.com/flashcards/cardshowall.php?title=who-i-am-in-christ-verses

Over the past week my new anti-psychotic medication has been working! This is a HUGE improvement! It has made such a difference! Please pray for continued healing, and wisdom for my doctors. Pray that I will stay strong in my faith and cling to my true identity in Christ and just let the devils words just pass  me by.  Please pray that the process of getting the service dog would move along quickly. Thank you for all your prayers and support!