These days people seem to make a big deal of telling people to "hold on" or "be strong"...but you know what...? It's okay to not always be strong. It's okay to break down and it's okay to cry. Some days are just hard and we need to accept them as they are. Some days all I can do is cry out to God to come save me from this mess of a mind I carry on my shoulders. Some days my heart is in such a shamble that I wonder how I managed to get dressed in the morning never mind survive the day...but you know what...? That's okay too. Some days are just hard and that's okay. Having a bad day and breaking down doesn't mean you're going to have a bad day everyday. It simply means that you had a bad day. Crying on a hard day doesn't make you weak, it simply makes you human. It's okay to not always be okay and it's okay to not always be strong. Fight when you can but relax when you need to. It's okay to be scared and overwhelmed just don't let it consume you. Let it be okay to not be okay and okay to not always be strong. When we are so weak we feel like quitting we must allow God to continue to carry us through no matter how badly you want to give up. Gods power is made perfect when we are not enough. “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9New Living Translation (NLT)
We all find ourselves in situations where we feel we have no control, where we feel hopeless and alone. Maybe you're suddenly without a job, lost in a stormy dark night, your relationship or marriage is spiralling out of control, your child shows you no respect, or a sickness or death leaves you breathless and now you feel your friends distancing themselves from you because they don't know what to say or do. What would you like people to do for you if you were in one of these situations?
Most likely you would want them to do for you as I would want you to do for me. When you know I am cutting to try and stop the pain, when I'm running away from fear, when I am hearing illogical voices in my head that are constantly telling me untruths, or when you see me crouching in a corner, alone and inclosed by an inescapable sadness, please:
Take my hand and lift me up.
Show me compassion, not pity or disgust.
Tell me, retell me, assure me, that I am a woman of worth and significance.
Show me you love me with an unconditional love (Don't just tell me!).
Show me grace.
Treat me as you would a "normal" person-because I am.
Invite me to be-and accept me as-your true friend.
Give me a shoulder to cry on.
Don't abandon me.
Don't be afraid to talk with me. I can share what I am comfortable with (some days will be different than others).
Try and understand me (all I ask is that you try).
Be honest and tell me what you're thinking.
Don't try and be my psychologist-leave that to the experts.
Pray for me and with me-only God is my complete healer!
Read/message me the truths of God's word to me-I need to be reminded often.
(SAY)
I'm here for you
You're not alone in this
You are important to me
Do you want a hug? (please ask because somedays it may make things worse)
When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you
I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I am here to listen and support you
I'm not going to leave or abandon you
You're not crazy
I love you (only if you mean it)
It sucks that you're in so much pain
I'm not going to leave you; I'm going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me
What can I do to help?
This must be very hard for you
I'm here for you; I'll always be here
You are amazing, strong, and beautiful
You'll get through this
You never have to apologize for your illness or feeling this way
I'm not scared of you
These statements show that you recognize that
I am in pain, that you don't understand, and that you will be there for me anyways.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is give me a little escape from my mind. Distract me with something fun and leave my illness aside for a while. I love to have fun but sometimes my illness gets in the way.
I know I have significance in God's sight. I know I am loved by him and that gives me a sense of purpose, hope, peace, and comfort that no one will ever experience unless you know Jesus Christ personally...but would it ever feel great if I could feel that, and hear that from you as well. I know it would speed my recovery and it would give you a sense that God is using you to heal me.
Thank you to my wonderful Papa, Jim Johnston, for helping me with this post! I love you!
I watched Frozen again the other night and both times I watched it I couldn't help but notice the similarities to my life with MI (mental illness). Could Disney be speaking of the dangers of stigmatizing MI and the power that love and acceptance has in recovery? Honestly, I don't know...but the similarities were too much for me to pass up.
Elsa, one of the main characters in the film, has a "condition" that is strongly linked to her emotions. She has explosions of ice from her hands that she cannot control. With my mental illness I have emotions and actions that, at times, I cannot control.
When Elsa is little she accidentally hurts her sister, Anna, with her powers. I know there have been times where I have hurt other people when I've done things I didn't mean to do.
Elsa and her parents become afraid that Elsa will become completely uncontrollable. They chose to shield everyone from her powers by keeping them a secret. They give her gloves to control her ice powers. My family and I are big believers in raising awareness for MI but there still has been times when the stigma has seeped into our minds. My family has never asked me to keep my illness a secret though, and they are completely supportive of this blog. Unfortunately, this is not the case for many children and teens. Many people go undiagnosed because they are afraid to have something "wrong" with them, or if they are diagnosed, it's kept low key.
"Conceal; don't feel" became Elsa's motto. I could write a whole blog about trying to "control" my illness in a society that doesn't understand it.
Elsa learns to shut everyone out of her life, even the people who desperately wanted to connect with her. I can't even count how many times I've felt so unloveable and ashamed that i locked myself away from the people who care about me. To everyone who's been trying to love me: you deserve a medal.
In the movie, Elsa has an embarrassing public outburst which causes some confusion and even some harsh criticism. One man repeatedly calls her a monster and tries to convince everyone that she is unfit to rule the kingdom. I'm not sure if this is a negative or positive that I can't remember most of what happens during a psychotic episode. Even though I can't remember, I still feel so embarrassed for doing such silly things that I wouldn't do in my right state of mind. At one point, Satan even had me convinced that I am unforgivable and that I would never make it to heaven.
Elsa runs away to the mountains by herself where she slowly learns to accept and even find beauty in her "condition." The lyrics to the song Let it Go (It's not just some little catchy song!)are so relatable to my life with MI! The song talks about holding everything inside because of shame, then "letting go" of it all, not letting the things that make you different hold you captive.
In the end, love is what restores Elsa, Anna, and their kingdom back to order. It is that love that inspires the entire kingdom to accept & embrace Elsa's powers. I know that I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for the power of unconditional love and support from my family, friends, and God.
Stigma keeps us silent.
Stigma keeps us away from others.
Stigma banishes us to the outskirts of society.
But love and acceptance can heal.
In order to teach the mentally ill how to love themselves; we must first learn how to love them.
It starts with the conversation. Lets talk!
(That is, if you can get Let it Go out of your head for a minute. ;)
Are you struggling? Are you worn out and tired? Do you feel like you are about to give up? Then hold on! Be strong! Hope is coming for you! If you have made it this far than you are a fighter!
I know what it feels like to think you're drowning and believe you're not going to make it to the other side of your mountain. I know what it feels like to reach your breaking point. You say you "can't do this anymore." You feel as if life is too much for you to handle and you would rather just die so you can be with Jesus. You feel like your life is out of control. You think you've gone too far. You've even convinced yourself that God could neverlove you. I've been there...actually I'm still recovering from that place. I know you will struggle to believe these next words but I promise you, with all I have in me, that these are all words of truth!
It's a daily battle for me to believe the things I know to be true. Somedays I win; somedays I loose, but thank God the final battle has already been won! We have victory in Christ! One day (in God's timing) Christ will bring us to the place where he will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more pain, sorrow, crying, or death. What a wonderful truth!
This trial that you're going through is not the last word! God has written the final chapter and it is about fulfillment and eternal joy for those who love him. Eternity with God will be more amazing than we could ever imagine! Hearing about how awesome heaven will be makes me feel so impatient...I long to be "home" with Jesus NOW...but that is not His plan. God's plan and God's timing are perfect. He has a purpose for you-an amazing plan that ONLY YOU could fulfill-before he calls you home.
"He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be My son [daughter]." ~Revelation 21:7
The people who overcome "stand firm to the end." Following Christ requires boldness and bravery to stand for him through these difficult trials. Yes, He is carrying us (especially when we don't "feel" him) but we must do our part to walk with Christ with all the strength we can muster up. THEN, on the days we are too weak we must cling to His promises with every last ounce of strength we can find. On our darkest days when we barely have the strength to call out his name we can merely whisper his name and He will hear us. Sooner or later life turns upside down for everyone. When life gets hard the road to recovery may not be painless. It may not be quick but God is going to use this struggle for good...trust Him.
It’s really quite crazy how quickly things can change. One day I’m thinking about finishing up the semester, getting a job, and heading off to college…the next thing I know my world blacks out and suddenly I’m trapped in a confused reality. Then you think its just a fluke. Lots of people ‘faint’ every now and then- no big deal…until it happens again, only this time you discover it’s a seizure …and again…and again…Then you start to realize that your entire future is looking different. The seizures make life unsafe so working is no longer an option. They mess with your memory and ‘finishing up the semester’ suddenly becomes A LOT harder than school has ever been. Even simple things like walking to class on my own become major challenges because I would get lost or forget where I was going.
A year ago today I had my very first seizure. In case you have missed something or you’re just starting to read now, you can read the previous post for a short catch-up of my past year.
We have learned so much through this journey. By we I mean-my family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates, and even you: my blog-readers. This experience has not just been hard for me but also for everyone around me. “At school, when I saw you going through these seizures I felt scared and helpless. No matter how much I told myself that you were in God's hands and that he would protect you and take care of you, it was always so hard for me to not feel scared for you and feel so helpless and like I couldn't help you! Day after day I would check up on you at school and everyday I would constantly be wondering how you were and where you were and just being worried for you. It always broke my heart to have to go searching the school for you and then finding you somewhere, sometimes bleeding, just being so confused and looking so lost! All I wanted to do was hug you and tell you that you were fine but you didn't know who I was half the time and I would just feel so helpless! That time when you had a full out seizure and I went with your mom to the hospital was probably one of the worst feelings ever. I had to watch you go to the hospital in an ambulance on a stretcher and then I had to sit in the waiting room just praying and praying.” ~Close Friend Although this year has been tough, it’s not all been bad. There are still some good days, and there are still things to laugh and smile about. “One of the things that stand out to me was your humour through it all. You could just be coming out of an episode and we could joke about you coming back. I could joke about you going for a walk and not knowing where you were going. Not everyone could do that.” ~Teacher One of the big positives for me was seeing how many people have been willing to help out. Friends willing to change their schedules for me or make changes to still include me in plans, teachers helping with class work and going beyond normal teacher duties, and family making me feel extraloved and prayed for. But, the biggest positive has been meeting my best friend. If I didn’t start having seizures right then, we may have never become this close. Now, a year later, I can’t imagine my life without her! “A really cool positive was watching you and Jasmine become very close. Every time I was there, Jasmine was there too. Then, seeing you guys hanging outside of school was very cool.” ~Teacher Thank you Jasmine, and everyone else who has helped out in one way or another!
Usually when we go through difficult times there is learning, It’s not always clear to see…but it’s there. God doesn’t like to see his children hurting but there is always a purpose for trials and he remains faithful through them. “Learning to trust God every moment has been my biggest challenge and greatest joy of this past year.” ~Mom We’ve also learned so much about anxiety, OCD, depression, and mental Illness in general. “I’ve learned about some of the ways anxiety can show in physical forms and how the mind tells the body when it senses danger.” ~Teacher We’ve earned about the huge stigma that’s attached to MI and how far that stigma is from the truth. People who don’t have personal experience with MI don’t understand how debilitating and life altering it can be. MI’s are invisible illnesses, meaning that people can’t see the illness: they can only see the altered behaviour that the illness causes. I’m beginning to learn how to separate who I am from my illness, which is proving to be a huge struggle. They get mixed up so easily! “Summer is not OCD or her MI, but she is an amazing girl who loves God and wants to help others. One thing I have learned about MI is that if everyone who has told me that they, or someone they know, struggle with MI, if all those people would not be ashamed and speak openly there would be no stigma. People would accept MI as a medical condition just as cancer and diabetes. That day is coming and you are helping by reading and sharing this blog.” ~Mom The biggest learning will be learning how to manage my life with MI in it. It may all go away someday but there’s a chance it may not. That just means learning to live with the uncertainty that OCD brings into my life and learning to stand up to my thoughts. One day OCD, anxiety, and depression will, at the least, live quietly in the back of my mind rather than having complete control over me like it does today. Until then I will make the best of the good days and just get through the bad days, taking it moment by moment.
In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.
OCD makes up all these “rules” that become mental compulsions. (If a person has contamination obsessions, they compulsively wash their hands as a reaction to the contamination thought.) In reaction to my violent obsessions I repeatedly count by 3’s up to 33 to neutralize the thoughts, distract myself, or suppress the thoughts. Also, in reaction to my thoughts I have given the colour red ‘special power.’ I avoid the colour red as often as possible-I don‘t look at it and I don’t touch or use-anything red because I am afraid that the colour will make me lose control. I also have ‘superstitious compulsions.’ I am afraid that stepping on vertical lines will make me loose control and make me act on one of my thoughts. I know that these things are ridiculous! But at the same time, I just cannot bring myself to do (or not do) these silly actions. That’s Just how OCD works.
So how do I recover from OCD?
My treatment for OCD involves medication to help with the strong anxiety (& depression) and also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a way of re-training my brain and body. The compulsions are so strongly engraved in my mind that they are just automatic! Sometimes I don’t even realize I am counting!
On Tuesdays my CBT group learns about OCD and the cognitive part of therapy. The cognitive part of therapy focuses on the mind and the thought processes. On Fridays my CBT group does “exposures” which focus on challenging behaviours. When I say “exposures” I mean exposing myself to the things I am really afraid of or exposing myself to the extremely high anxiety that comes from not doing a compulsion. Now, that Is the really hard part because it‘s the exact opposite of what OCD is telling me to do! (And may I add… OCD is preeeetty convincing…)
For example, I have a fear of my thoughts and feel that the colour red will make me lose control and act on my thoughts. That is why I don’t look at red, touch red, and or wear red…and certainly not do any of these things while having terrible thoughts. So, to help get rid of that fear I need to expose myself to both red & my thoughts.
We start out with "easy" [quotations because it's not really easy at all...just the most 'do-able'] exposures-things that cause me anxiety but not so much anxiety that I wouldn‘t be able to sit with it. Then we build on it.
1. My first exposure was just to simply write down my thoughts-even though that felt like it was making these disgusting, horrible, images and thoughts even more real.
2. My second exposure was to look at something red for a while and allow my thoughts to come.
{Allowing my thoughts to just be there instead of pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself has turned out to be the most difficult peice of all the exposures}.
I began by looking just as long as long as I could stand the anxiety. Then, as I pushed myself, I could look at red for longer periods of time . It seems like a simple task but It caused me so much anxiety!
3. Then I wrote my thoughts in red. And eventually posted them on my wall (DEFINITELY not something I wanted hanging there-but that way I could be exposing my self even more to the thoughts).
4. For my fourth exposure I started to wear red shoes AND allow my thoughts to just come rather than pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself with counting.
5. THEN… I BOUGHT A RED SWEATER TO WEAR! (Around the house)
6. This week I am starting to wear red
A L L. T H E. T I M E.
Right Now: sometimes I can look at red things without even thinking about it!! Other times I am still able to easily challenge myself when | automatically look away. I catch myself looking away and I can say to myself,
“Hey, It’s just a colour. I CAN look at it. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
Then I force myself to look at it.
When I started wearing red my anxiety level would stay between 80/100-100/100. Right Now: wearing my red shoes while there is no “dangerous” situations my distress level is only 20/100 and wearing the red sweater while I’m at home with no “dangerous” situations my distress can sit at just 50/100! {Just 2 weeks ago the lowest it would go is 70/100 after sitting for several hours with 85-95/100}.
I get so easily discouraged when I think about how far I still need to go to be in control of ODC but I really need to keep it in perspective. I have been living with ODC for 12 years and I have only been in this group for 9 weeks.
These 9 weeks are the only time in the 12 years that there has been improvement!*
Before this group started I would have said that ALL of the exposures I have now done were completely impossible but praise the Lord I’ve make it this far and that Never Once have I ever walked alone.
“If I tell people…that makes me different …and not different in a cool way…but different in a oh-oh-mental-alert kind of way.” -My brain
It’s okay to admit you’re ‘crazy’ When you do something that’s a little different… but admitting that you have a mental health issue is completely different. Its not cool to admit that you get overly anxious about things that are everyday life for most people. My mental health issues make me feel ’crazy’ but I realize that there’s no hope to ending the mental health stigma if I’m not prepared to talk openly about my own experience.
I’m sure that most of us who have struggled with mental health issues want to end the stigma surrounding it but no one wants to be the first to stand up and admit that not everything is peachy-perfect in their life. It is difficult for me to share about the times I lose hope, because of the pressures and anxiety that OCD and depression cause. Common assumptions about OCD make it even harder to explain my OCD I because I feel like I ‘don’t fit the bill.’
OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) is often stereo-typed but not actually well understood by the majority of people, so there are worries about the judgements people will make out of ignorance. For example, I imagine that unless someone asks me directly about my OCD, they would assume I frequently wash my hands and check that the door is locked. Don’t get me wrong: these are common and destructive forms of OCD too, however, I do not struggle with these particular compulsions. Its scary and distressing for me to explain what goes on inside my head.
My OCD is different from the stereotypical obsessions and compulsions. I don’t frequently wash my hands, check that the stove is off or that the doors are locked, and I’m not a ’neat freak.’ I obsess that I am going to violently hurt somebody. I constantly live in a state of fear that I will loose control and act on these thoughts.
“Where do these thoughts even come from!? Christians can’t think these things! That thought is a sin! Now you’ve thought about stabbing someone…you’re going to do it! People say you won’t act on these thoughts but you will! You must count to distract yourself from these thoughts.
Never think about that again.” -My brain.
The never-ending torment these thoughts cause in my mind is too much to cope with; the anxiety caused is unbearable. My mind never stops running; I never have a second of real rest. Sometimes I even get so overwhelmed by my thoughts that the only way I think I can protect others from myself is to kill myself. Now, I do NOT want to die, I just feel as though if I hurt myself before I hurt someone else then everyone around me will be safe. I am so embarrassed about having these awful thoughts. They make me feel like I’m a murderer…a terrible person…disgusting…worthless…alone.
“For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14
These thoughts are both physically and emotionally DRAINING. I’m not sure I will make it through…but thankfully God has a plan. God is going to give me the extra strength when I need it…and when I have absolutely NONE left he will carry me through. When I’m ready to give up in the middle of one of my therapy sessions: God is right beside me cheering me on even when-especially when-I don’t feel it. I’m learning not to trust how I feel because OCD and Satan give us wrong ‘feelings’ the signals get mixed up and we end up back at the bottom. We have God on our side fighting the battle that he’s already won for us!
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Jesus
God is hearing every single prayer and he will heal me in his timing-whatever form healing may come in. I know it’s going to take many months of hard work but I can already see some small improvements. I know Gods hand in in this journey and he will carry me through it.
