Even When It Hurts

These past few months have been a roller coaster. One week I'm feeling fantastic, the next week I'm sliding into a deep pit of depression with a side of psychosis and dissociation, then the next week I'm feeling mentally well but physically unwell, into Strathroy hospital, home, into Strathroy hospital again, then home, into Parkwood hospital, then home. 

It's draining.

 But, when all hope seems lost, I remember that not all is lost to the God of the impossible. He can take us through this place of weariness, weakness, pain, and struggles, and bring us to a new life of peace. We live in a fallen world so (I hate to break it to you but...) not all things are going to work out as we hope they will. We do not know the future or what's going to happen but we can rest assured and know that even in these terrible struggles, the worst situations, seemingly hopeless circumstances, God will work all things out for our good. That is truth.

Your struggle, situation, circumstance, however painful it may be, is the path that God is using to reveal more of himself to you. He knows you are going to need to lean on Him to get through this and that dependence is OK. In fact, that dependence on God is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Your struggles will not - cannot defeat you. They may appear to be taking you down but they are actually helping you to rise above. God will shape and transform your heart through this trial...but only if you allow Him. Why this particular, incredibly painful, trial? Honestly, I don't know. We may never know this side of heaven. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that His plan is to prosper us, not to harm us, and to give us a hope and a future.

We must learn to trust Him even when it hurts.

We must stand in faith no matter how big the storm that is overwhelming our life.

Some days trusting God seems like the hardest thing to do, other days it's a breeze, as if it were the only thing to do. The Lord brings the tide in and takes it out. He controls the wind and the rain. The sun rises at His command. He certainly has perfected His purpose for our lives and will provide for what we need.

Don't let your weariness make you think that God does not care for you when your prayers seem unanswered. His mercy and unending love are with you even now. He knows what you are doing in your life. He sees your tears and holds them in a bottle. He does not forget your name, where you are, or any other little detail about you. He is the God of all possibility and ultimately all things must bow to His will for your life.

The days are growing short and evil is abounding. Take joy knowing that even through Satan, the hand of God is in FULL CONTROL. He will never fail you nor will He let anything in this world destroy you.

Be strong. Jesus' promises give us peace no matter what happens here. None of these struggles we are going through - physical illness, mental illness, death of a loved one, stress, overwhelming business of life, social problems - can impede the purpose He has for us or the love He has for us. He knew our stories before the foundation of the earth. 

Trust that even in this mess, God will be with us. 

That is the hope that separates believers from the rest of the world. 

*if you're not a believer or you haven't accepted Christ into your life and you would like to know more about these promises that could be for you too-contact me! Or if you would like prayer or someone to talk to-contact me...I would love to hear from you! (summerschyff@hotmail.ca)

I have OCD...SOOO now what...?

In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.

OCD makes up all these “rules” that become mental compulsions. (If a person has contamination obsessions, they compulsively wash their hands as a reaction to the contamination thought.) In reaction to my violent obsessions I repeatedly count by 3’s up to 33 to neutralize the thoughts, distract myself, or suppress the thoughts. Also, in reaction to my thoughts I have given the colour red ‘special power.’ I avoid the colour red as often as possible-I don‘t look at it and I don’t touch or use-anything red because I am afraid that the colour will make me lose control. I also have ‘superstitious compulsions.’ I am afraid that stepping on vertical lines will make me loose control and make me act on one of my thoughts. I know that these things are ridiculous! But at the same time, I just cannot bring myself to do (or not do) these silly actions. That’s Just how OCD works.

So how do I recover from OCD?

My treatment for OCD involves medication to help with the strong anxiety (& depression) and also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a way of re-training my brain and body. The compulsions are so strongly engraved in my mind that they are just automatic! Sometimes I don’t even realize I am counting!

On Tuesdays my CBT group learns about OCD and the cognitive part of therapy. The cognitive part of therapy focuses on the mind and the thought processes. On Fridays my CBT group does “exposures” which focus on challenging behaviours. When I say “exposures” I mean exposing myself to the things I am really afraid of or exposing myself to the extremely high anxiety that comes from not doing a compulsion. Now, that Is the really hard part because it‘s the exact opposite of what OCD is telling me to do! (And may I add… OCD is preeeetty convincing…)

For example, I have a fear of my thoughts and feel that the colour red will make me lose control and act on my thoughts. That is why I don’t look at red, touch red, and or wear red…and certainly not do any of these things while having terrible thoughts. So, to help get rid of that fear I need to expose myself to both red & my thoughts.

We start out with "easy" [quotations because it's not really easy at all...just the most 'do-able'] exposures-things that cause me anxiety but not so much anxiety that I wouldn‘t be able to sit with it. Then we build on it.

1. My first exposure was just to simply write down my thoughts-even though that felt like it was making these disgusting, horrible, images and thoughts even more real.

2. My second exposure was to look at something red for a while and allow my thoughts to come.

 

{Allowing my thoughts to just be there instead of pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself has turned out to be the most difficult peice of all the exposures}. 

I began by looking just as long as long as I could stand the anxiety. Then, as I pushed myself, I could look at red for longer periods of time . It seems like a simple task but It caused me so much anxiety!

3. Then I wrote my thoughts in red. And eventually posted them on my wall (DEFINITELY not something I wanted hanging there-but that way I could be exposing my self even more to the thoughts).

4. For my fourth exposure I started to wear red shoes AND allow my thoughts to just come rather than pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself with counting.

5. THEN… I BOUGHT A RED SWEATER TO WEAR! (Around the house)

6. This week I am starting to wear red

A L L. T H E. T I M E.

 

Right Now: sometimes I can look at red things without even thinking about it!! Other times I am still able to easily challenge myself when | automatically look away. I catch myself looking away and I can say to myself,

“Hey, It’s just a colour. I CAN look at it. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

Then I force myself to look at it.

When I started wearing red my anxiety level would stay between 80/100-100/100.
Right Now: wearing my red shoes while there is no “dangerous” situations my distress level is only 20/100 and wearing the red sweater while I’m at home with no “dangerous” situations my distress can sit at just 50/100! {Just 2 weeks ago the lowest it would go is 70/100 after sitting for several hours with 85-95/100}.

I get so easily discouraged when I think about how far I still need to go to be in control of ODC but I really need to keep it in perspective. I have been living with ODC for 12 years and I have only been in this group for 9 weeks.

These 9 weeks are the only time in the 12 years that there has been improvement!*

 Before this group started I would have said that ALL of the exposures I have now done were completely impossible but praise the Lord I’ve make it this far and that Never Once have I ever walked alone.

 

song by: Matt Redman-Never Once:

 

 

*See...I even used red font there!

Don't Fit the Bill

“If I tell people…that makes me different …and not different in a cool way…but different in a oh-oh-mental-alert kind of way.” -My brain

It’s okay to admit you’re ‘crazy’ When you do something that’s a little different… but admitting that you have a mental health issue is completely different. Its not cool to admit that you get overly anxious about things that are everyday life for most people. My mental health issues make me feel ’crazy’ but I realize that there’s no hope to ending the mental health stigma if I’m not prepared to talk openly about my own experience.

I’m sure that most of us who have struggled with mental health issues want to end the stigma surrounding it but no one wants to be the first to stand up and admit that not everything is peachy-perfect in their life. It is difficult for me to share about the times I lose hope, because of the pressures and anxiety that OCD and depression cause. Common assumptions about OCD make it even harder to explain my OCD I because I feel like I ‘don’t fit the bill.’

OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) is often stereo-typed but not actually well understood by the majority of people, so there are worries about the judgements people will make out of ignorance. For example, I imagine that unless someone asks me directly about my OCD, they would assume I frequently wash my hands and check that the door is locked. Don’t get me wrong: these are common and destructive forms of OCD too, however, I do not struggle with these particular compulsions. Its scary and distressing for me to explain what goes on inside my head.

My OCD is different from the stereotypical obsessions and compulsions. I don’t frequently wash my hands, check that the stove is off or that the doors are locked, and I’m not a ’neat freak.’ I obsess that I am going to violently hurt somebody. I constantly live in a state of fear that I will loose control and act on these thoughts.

“Where do these thoughts even come from!? Christians can’t think these things! That thought is a sin! Now you’ve thought about stabbing someone…you’re going to do it! People say you won’t act on these thoughts but you will! You must count to distract yourself from these thoughts.

Never think about that again.” -My brain.

The never-ending torment these thoughts cause in my mind is too much to cope with; the anxiety caused is unbearable. My mind never stops running; I never have a second of real rest. Sometimes I even get so overwhelmed by my thoughts that the only way I think I can protect others from myself is to kill myself. Now, I do NOT want to die, I just feel as though if I hurt myself before I hurt someone else then everyone around me will be safe. I am so embarrassed about having these awful thoughts. They make me feel like I’m a murderer…a terrible person…disgusting…worthless…alone.

“For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mothers womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14

These thoughts are both physically and emotionally DRAINING. I’m not sure I will make it through…but thankfully God has a plan. God is going to give me the extra strength when I need it…and when I have absolutely NONE left he will carry me through. When I’m ready to give up in the middle of one of my therapy sessions: God is right beside me cheering me on even when-especially when-I don’t feel it. I’m learning not to trust how I feel because OCD and Satan give us wrong ‘feelings’ the signals get mixed up and we end up back at the bottom. We have God on our side fighting the battle that he’s already won for us!

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Jesus

God is hearing every single prayer and he will heal me in his timing-whatever form healing may come in. I know it’s going to take many months of hard work but I can already see some small improvements. I know Gods hand in in this journey and he will carry me through it.