Even When It Hurts

These past few months have been a roller coaster. One week I'm feeling fantastic, the next week I'm sliding into a deep pit of depression with a side of psychosis and dissociation, then the next week I'm feeling mentally well but physically unwell, into Strathroy hospital, home, into Strathroy hospital again, then home, into Parkwood hospital, then home. 

It's draining.

 But, when all hope seems lost, I remember that not all is lost to the God of the impossible. He can take us through this place of weariness, weakness, pain, and struggles, and bring us to a new life of peace. We live in a fallen world so (I hate to break it to you but...) not all things are going to work out as we hope they will. We do not know the future or what's going to happen but we can rest assured and know that even in these terrible struggles, the worst situations, seemingly hopeless circumstances, God will work all things out for our good. That is truth.

Your struggle, situation, circumstance, however painful it may be, is the path that God is using to reveal more of himself to you. He knows you are going to need to lean on Him to get through this and that dependence is OK. In fact, that dependence on God is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Your struggles will not - cannot defeat you. They may appear to be taking you down but they are actually helping you to rise above. God will shape and transform your heart through this trial...but only if you allow Him. Why this particular, incredibly painful, trial? Honestly, I don't know. We may never know this side of heaven. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that His plan is to prosper us, not to harm us, and to give us a hope and a future.

We must learn to trust Him even when it hurts.

We must stand in faith no matter how big the storm that is overwhelming our life.

Some days trusting God seems like the hardest thing to do, other days it's a breeze, as if it were the only thing to do. The Lord brings the tide in and takes it out. He controls the wind and the rain. The sun rises at His command. He certainly has perfected His purpose for our lives and will provide for what we need.

Don't let your weariness make you think that God does not care for you when your prayers seem unanswered. His mercy and unending love are with you even now. He knows what you are doing in your life. He sees your tears and holds them in a bottle. He does not forget your name, where you are, or any other little detail about you. He is the God of all possibility and ultimately all things must bow to His will for your life.

The days are growing short and evil is abounding. Take joy knowing that even through Satan, the hand of God is in FULL CONTROL. He will never fail you nor will He let anything in this world destroy you.

Be strong. Jesus' promises give us peace no matter what happens here. None of these struggles we are going through - physical illness, mental illness, death of a loved one, stress, overwhelming business of life, social problems - can impede the purpose He has for us or the love He has for us. He knew our stories before the foundation of the earth. 

Trust that even in this mess, God will be with us. 

That is the hope that separates believers from the rest of the world. 

*if you're not a believer or you haven't accepted Christ into your life and you would like to know more about these promises that could be for you too-contact me! Or if you would like prayer or someone to talk to-contact me...I would love to hear from you! (summerschyff@hotmail.ca)

A Moment In My Mind

I was asking myself "what's wrong with me?" Why do I always have such awful thoughts? Then, in that moment, my brain chatter went completely quiet, like somebody pushed the mute button. What is this....silence? Total silence. At first I was shocked to find myself in a quiet mind and then I was immediately captivated by this unusual happenstance.

It was a rare, short but beautiful, moment because the internal dialogue that anxiety creates is unique to anxiety sufferers and it never ends. We are always worrying about something, anything, and everything. This is why I wanted to create a brief window into my life, giving people an idea of what its like to live with anxiety.

Then, the next moment, it was gone. All the brain chatter came rushing back.

What if I get sick? What if I die? What if they don't like me? What if I don't get accepted? What if I fail? What if I hurt someone? What if I mess up? What will they think of me? What's going to happen if I go? I'm hopeless. I spend too much time thinking about my thoughts. I could slice that persons face.

Suddenly, my brain shoots into overdrive. Whats wrong with me? Who thinks thoughts like that? Why do I have these thoughts? Maybe I'm a murderer. I should go to hell or maybe I should die. 

What if I die now that I've thought that? ok. ok. ok. We've got a problem! *Heart starts racing* I've got to get help! I need to text my mom. So, I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I search for my moms number but all I can see is pixels, even though I can see clearly in my mind where my moms name is, my eyes just can't focus on the task at hand. I'm still to worried that I'm going to die.

I could stab that person walking by.

WHAT?!?! Summer!! How could you ever think something so awful?! I must be the worst person on the planet! No one else would ever think something like that. 

The Dr. said lots of people have these thoughts occasionally...but that can't be true. Nobody thinks like that. I must be a psycho-murderer at heart. 

I could punch that person.

WHAT?!?! NO!! 

I NEED TO GET RID OF THESE THOUGHTS!!

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Still there...

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12...

You have now survived just 10 seconds in my brain. For anxiety sufferers this continues for hours and hours on end.

Although my mind is a crazy place at times, I find comfort knowing I don't need to battle alone. 

"Moses answered the people, "Stand firm and you will see the the deliverance the Lord will bring you today....The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." (Exodus 14:14) 

I feel as though I fight anxiety every moment of my life but what a comfort to know that God's got it all under control, I need only be still. The people were despairing but Moses encouraged them to watch the wonderful way the Lord would rescue them. Moses had a positive attitude! When it looked as if they were trapped, Moses called upon God to intervene. WE may not be chased by an army but we may still feel trapped by anxiety. Instead of giving in to despair when all these thoughts are rushing through our mind we need to only "stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will bring...The Lord will fight for you you need only be still."  

How May I Help You?

We all find ourselves in situations where we feel we have no control, where we feel hopeless and alone. Maybe you're suddenly without a job, lost in a stormy dark night, your relationship or marriage is spiralling out of control, your child shows you no respect, or a sickness or death leaves you breathless and now you feel your friends distancing themselves from you because they don't know what to say or do. What would you like people to do for you if you were in one of these situations?

Most likely you would want them to do for you as I would want you to do for me. When you know I am cutting to try and stop the pain, when I'm running away from fear, when I am hearing illogical voices in my head that are constantly telling me untruths, or when you see me crouching in a corner, alone and inclosed by an inescapable sadness, please:

Take my hand and lift me up.

Show me compassion, not pity or disgust.

Tell me, retell me, assure me, that I am a woman of worth and significance.

Show me you love me with an unconditional love (Don't just tell me!).

Show me grace.

Treat me as you would a "normal" person-because I am.

Invite me to be-and accept me as-your true friend.

Give me a shoulder to cry on.

Don't abandon me.

Don't be afraid to talk with me. I can share what I am comfortable with (some days will be different than others).

Try and understand me (all I ask is that you try).

Be honest and tell me what you're thinking.

Don't try and be my psychologist-leave that to the experts.

Pray for me and with me-only God is my complete healer!

Read/message me the truths of God's word to me-I need to be reminded often.




(SAY)

I'm here for you

You're not alone in this

You are important to me

Do you want a hug? (please ask because somedays it may make things worse)

When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you

I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I am here to listen and support you

I'm not going to leave or abandon you

You're not crazy

I love you (only if you mean it)

It sucks that you're in so much pain

I'm not going to leave you; I'm going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me

What can I do to help?

This must be very hard for you

I'm here for you; I'll always be here

You are amazing, strong, and beautiful

You'll get through this

You never have to apologize for your illness or feeling this way

I'm not scared of you


These statements show that you recognize that 
I am in pain, that you don't understand, and that you will be there for me anyways.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is give me a little escape from my mind. Distract me with something fun and leave my illness aside for a while. I love to have fun but sometimes my illness gets in the way. 

 I know I have significance in God's sight. I know I am loved by him and that gives me a sense of purpose, hope, peace, and comfort that no one will ever experience unless you know Jesus Christ personally...but would it ever feel great if I could feel that, and hear that from you as well. I know it would speed my recovery and it would give you a sense that God is using you to heal me.

Thank you to my wonderful Papa, Jim Johnston, for helping me with this post! I love you!

"Conceal; Don't Feel"

I watched Frozen again the other night and both times I watched it I couldn't help but notice the similarities to my life with MI (mental illness). Could Disney be speaking of the dangers of stigmatizing MI and the power that love and acceptance has in recovery? Honestly, I don't know...but the similarities were too much for me to pass up.

Elsa, one of the main characters in the film, has a "condition" that is strongly linked to her emotions. She has explosions of ice from her hands that she cannot control. With my mental illness I have emotions and actions that, at times, I cannot control.

When Elsa is little she accidentally hurts her sister, Anna, with her powers. I know there have been times where I have hurt other people when I've done things I didn't mean to do.

Elsa and her parents become afraid that Elsa will become completely uncontrollable. They chose to shield everyone from her powers by keeping them a secret. They give her gloves to control her ice powers. My family and I are big believers in raising awareness for MI but there still has been times when the stigma has seeped into our minds. My family has never asked me to keep my illness a secret though, and they are completely supportive of this blog. Unfortunately, this is not the case for many children and teens. Many people go undiagnosed because they are afraid to have something "wrong" with them, or if they are diagnosed, it's kept low key.

"Conceal; don't feel" became Elsa's motto. I could write a whole blog about trying to "control" my illness in a society that doesn't understand it.

Elsa learns to shut everyone out of her life, even the people who desperately wanted to connect with her. I can't even count how many times I've felt so unloveable and ashamed that i locked myself away from the people who care about me. To everyone who's been trying to love me: you deserve a medal.

In the movie, Elsa has an embarrassing public outburst which causes some confusion and even some harsh criticism. One man repeatedly calls her a monster and tries to convince everyone that she is unfit to rule the kingdom.  I'm not sure if this is a negative or positive that I can't remember most of what happens during a psychotic episode. Even though I can't remember, I still feel so embarrassed for doing such silly things that I wouldn't do in my right state of mind. At one point, Satan even had me convinced that I am unforgivable and that I would never make it to heaven.

Elsa runs away to the mountains by herself where she slowly learns to accept and even find beauty in her "condition." The lyrics to the song Let it Go (It's not just some little catchy song!) are so relatable to my life with MI! The song talks about holding everything inside because of shame, then "letting go" of it all, not letting the things that make you different hold you captive.

In the end, love is what restores Elsa, Anna, and their kingdom back to order. It is that love that inspires the entire kingdom to accept & embrace Elsa's powers. I know that I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for the power of unconditional love and support from my family, friends, and God.

Stigma keeps us silent.

Stigma keeps us away from others.

Stigma banishes us to the outskirts of society.

But love and acceptance can heal.

In order to teach the mentally ill how to love themselves; we must first learn how to love them.

It starts with the conversation. Lets talk!

(That is, if you can get Let it Go out of your head for a minute. ;)

Don't Fit the Bill

“If I tell people…that makes me different …and not different in a cool way…but different in a oh-oh-mental-alert kind of way.” -My brain

It’s okay to admit you’re ‘crazy’ When you do something that’s a little different… but admitting that you have a mental health issue is completely different. Its not cool to admit that you get overly anxious about things that are everyday life for most people. My mental health issues make me feel ’crazy’ but I realize that there’s no hope to ending the mental health stigma if I’m not prepared to talk openly about my own experience.

I’m sure that most of us who have struggled with mental health issues want to end the stigma surrounding it but no one wants to be the first to stand up and admit that not everything is peachy-perfect in their life. It is difficult for me to share about the times I lose hope, because of the pressures and anxiety that OCD and depression cause. Common assumptions about OCD make it even harder to explain my OCD I because I feel like I ‘don’t fit the bill.’

OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) is often stereo-typed but not actually well understood by the majority of people, so there are worries about the judgements people will make out of ignorance. For example, I imagine that unless someone asks me directly about my OCD, they would assume I frequently wash my hands and check that the door is locked. Don’t get me wrong: these are common and destructive forms of OCD too, however, I do not struggle with these particular compulsions. Its scary and distressing for me to explain what goes on inside my head.

My OCD is different from the stereotypical obsessions and compulsions. I don’t frequently wash my hands, check that the stove is off or that the doors are locked, and I’m not a ’neat freak.’ I obsess that I am going to violently hurt somebody. I constantly live in a state of fear that I will loose control and act on these thoughts.

“Where do these thoughts even come from!? Christians can’t think these things! That thought is a sin! Now you’ve thought about stabbing someone…you’re going to do it! People say you won’t act on these thoughts but you will! You must count to distract yourself from these thoughts.

Never think about that again.” -My brain.

The never-ending torment these thoughts cause in my mind is too much to cope with; the anxiety caused is unbearable. My mind never stops running; I never have a second of real rest. Sometimes I even get so overwhelmed by my thoughts that the only way I think I can protect others from myself is to kill myself. Now, I do NOT want to die, I just feel as though if I hurt myself before I hurt someone else then everyone around me will be safe. I am so embarrassed about having these awful thoughts. They make me feel like I’m a murderer…a terrible person…disgusting…worthless…alone.

“For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mothers womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14

These thoughts are both physically and emotionally DRAINING. I’m not sure I will make it through…but thankfully God has a plan. God is going to give me the extra strength when I need it…and when I have absolutely NONE left he will carry me through. When I’m ready to give up in the middle of one of my therapy sessions: God is right beside me cheering me on even when-especially when-I don’t feel it. I’m learning not to trust how I feel because OCD and Satan give us wrong ‘feelings’ the signals get mixed up and we end up back at the bottom. We have God on our side fighting the battle that he’s already won for us!

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Jesus

God is hearing every single prayer and he will heal me in his timing-whatever form healing may come in. I know it’s going to take many months of hard work but I can already see some small improvements. I know Gods hand in in this journey and he will carry me through it.

No Formula

There Is no formula for healing.

What I mean is there is no ‘step one, step 2, and step 3’ for getting back to normal when you've found yourself in a difficult situation.

I like to have control and do things that have a step-by-step process and have a set outcome. Maybe that’s why I’ve always enjoyed school: the set schedule and being given specific instructions on how to do an assignment.

But life is not like a science exam. Life is not reading a book, answering questions and then memorizing all of the important facts so you can ace the test.

Life is not like a drawing. Life is not making a grid on a picture and copying it exactly box-by-box,  erasing and re-drawing.

Life is not like a steady job. Life is not putting in 40 hours every week and receiving a pay cheque of the same amount every other Friday.

Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation my first instinct is to try and figure out how to fix it: “What can I do to end this difficulty?” “How can I make sure everything will be okay?” Lately I’ve been finding myself wishing I could make this situation all go away, or that I could just fast forward a few months so I can return to “normal.”

It’s frustrating for me to see a problem and try to fix it but then not get the results I was expecting. It’s hard when there isn’t exact steps to take to get better. Sometimes it feels like all I ever do is wait! I waited to see dr.s, I waited for tests, now to get better…I need to wait again. There are things I can do to get better, but there isn't that step-by-step process that I like.

There is no formula.

BUT  there is  a God-a God who calls us to not only trust Him but also to rejoice in ALL circumstances! Wherever we are, whatever were struggling with, whatever we’re waiting for: if we just turn to Him, He can use us right where we are! He is calling us to a greater purpose and He will use whatever you have to offer! Any talents, any passion, any past experiences, even our brokenness and imperfections! He has a purpose for you that only you can fulfill!

Have confidence today because God has chosen you and called you! He will show you how He wants to use you. When you’re broken, feeling worthless, experiencing setbacks, or just worn, remember that God is working behind the scenes. He will take what the enemy has meant for harm and turn it around for your good!
Even though there is no formula we can continue moving forward by just taking life one day at a time because you are chosen! God is equipping you to overcome every obstacle in this life.

He’s chosen you!

“You didn’t choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won’t spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.” {John 15:16}

 

To be honest, I have never liked the saying, “time heals.” Because time alone doesn’t heal our hearts; God heals our hearts. But I believe He heals in His own timing–a timing that is best for His children because it teaches us perseverance and builds our faith (see James 1:2-4), and it ultimately draws us closer to Him.

I love this song by John Waller, called “While I’m Waiting.” It’s a beautiful, simple message reminding us to praise God while we wait.

“I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord”