Even When It Hurts

These past few months have been a roller coaster. One week I'm feeling fantastic, the next week I'm sliding into a deep pit of depression with a side of psychosis and dissociation, then the next week I'm feeling mentally well but physically unwell, into Strathroy hospital, home, into Strathroy hospital again, then home, into Parkwood hospital, then home. 

It's draining.

 But, when all hope seems lost, I remember that not all is lost to the God of the impossible. He can take us through this place of weariness, weakness, pain, and struggles, and bring us to a new life of peace. We live in a fallen world so (I hate to break it to you but...) not all things are going to work out as we hope they will. We do not know the future or what's going to happen but we can rest assured and know that even in these terrible struggles, the worst situations, seemingly hopeless circumstances, God will work all things out for our good. That is truth.

Your struggle, situation, circumstance, however painful it may be, is the path that God is using to reveal more of himself to you. He knows you are going to need to lean on Him to get through this and that dependence is OK. In fact, that dependence on God is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Your struggles will not - cannot defeat you. They may appear to be taking you down but they are actually helping you to rise above. God will shape and transform your heart through this trial...but only if you allow Him. Why this particular, incredibly painful, trial? Honestly, I don't know. We may never know this side of heaven. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that His plan is to prosper us, not to harm us, and to give us a hope and a future.

We must learn to trust Him even when it hurts.

We must stand in faith no matter how big the storm that is overwhelming our life.

Some days trusting God seems like the hardest thing to do, other days it's a breeze, as if it were the only thing to do. The Lord brings the tide in and takes it out. He controls the wind and the rain. The sun rises at His command. He certainly has perfected His purpose for our lives and will provide for what we need.

Don't let your weariness make you think that God does not care for you when your prayers seem unanswered. His mercy and unending love are with you even now. He knows what you are doing in your life. He sees your tears and holds them in a bottle. He does not forget your name, where you are, or any other little detail about you. He is the God of all possibility and ultimately all things must bow to His will for your life.

The days are growing short and evil is abounding. Take joy knowing that even through Satan, the hand of God is in FULL CONTROL. He will never fail you nor will He let anything in this world destroy you.

Be strong. Jesus' promises give us peace no matter what happens here. None of these struggles we are going through - physical illness, mental illness, death of a loved one, stress, overwhelming business of life, social problems - can impede the purpose He has for us or the love He has for us. He knew our stories before the foundation of the earth. 

Trust that even in this mess, God will be with us. 

That is the hope that separates believers from the rest of the world. 

*if you're not a believer or you haven't accepted Christ into your life and you would like to know more about these promises that could be for you too-contact me! Or if you would like prayer or someone to talk to-contact me...I would love to hear from you! (summerschyff@hotmail.ca)

Break up letter

Dear OCD,

Sometimes I wonder why I was cursed with you. Day after day I stand here tormented by you. At times your anxiety grips me so hard I can barely breathe. You caused my immobilizing seizures. you're so unreliable! You always tell me to panic when I have an unsafe thought when no one else would be phased by  such a thought.

I hate that you are aware (or at least part of you is aware) that my anxiety doesn't match up with reality. Part of you tells me that my fears aren't going to happen. Part of you is rational. 

But only part.

And that's painfully cruel! You've taken over my brain and made my brain betray me. Brain, you have to know how cruel that is because even though I know I should let this fear go-you won't let me. Even as you taunt me with reality you still force me to clutch that anxiety to my chest.

You make me go to war with myself, making me ruminate until I'm physically and mentally exhausted. You make my thoughts bounce back and forth like  pinball machine. You send out 600 "what ifs" per hour. The only way I can let go of these thoughts is through sheer exhaustion.

Sometimes I hate you, brain, and because you are a part of me...sometimes I hate me BUT I don't have to take this anymore. Now I'm standing up to you! I'm not going to let you control my life anymore. Until now our relationship has been built on fear and that's just not healthy. Relationships need trust and I just can't trust you. So, I guess this is it...I'm breaking up with you. I don't want you to be part of my life anymore. I'm taking the necessary steps to get rid of you for good. Good bye OCD...I'm moving on from you.

            Sincerely,

        Summer

One Year Ago...

It’s really quite crazy how quickly things can change. One day I’m thinking about finishing up the semester, getting a job, and heading off to college…the next thing I know my world blacks out and suddenly I’m trapped in a confused reality. Then you think its just a fluke. Lots of people ‘faint’ every now and then- no big deal…until it happens again, only this time you discover it’s a seizure …and again…and again…Then you start to realize that your entire future is looking different. The seizures make life unsafe so working is no longer an option. They mess with your memory and ‘finishing up the semester’ suddenly becomes A LOT harder than school has ever been. Even simple things like walking to class on my own become major challenges because I would get lost or forget where I was going.

A year ago today I had my very first seizure. In case you have missed something or you’re just starting to read now, you can read the previous post for a short catch-up of my past year.

We have learned so much through this journey. By we I mean-my family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates, and even you: my blog-readers. This experience has not just been hard for me but also for everyone around me.

“At school, when I saw you going through these seizures I felt scared and helpless. No matter how much I told myself that you were in God's hands and that he would protect you and take care of you, it was always so hard for me to not feel scared for you and feel so helpless and like I couldn't help you! Day after day I would check up on you at school and everyday I would constantly be wondering how you were and where you were and just being worried for you. It always broke my heart to have to go searching the school for you and then finding you somewhere, sometimes bleeding, just being so confused and looking so lost! All I wanted to do was hug you and tell you that you were fine but you didn't know who I was half the time and I would just feel so helpless! That time when you had a full out seizure and I went with your mom to the hospital was probably one of the worst feelings ever. I had to watch you go to the hospital in an ambulance on a stretcher and then I had to sit in the waiting room just praying and praying.” ~Close Friend

Although this year has been tough, it’s not all been bad. There are still some good days, and there are still things to laugh and smile about.

“One of the things that stand out to me was your humour through it all. You could just be coming out of an episode and we could joke about you coming back. I could joke about you going for a walk and not knowing where you were going. Not everyone could do that.” ~Teacher
One of the big positives for me was seeing how many people have been willing to help out. Friends willing to change their schedules for me or make changes to still include me in plans, teachers helping with class work and going beyond normal teacher duties, and family making me feel extra loved and prayed for. But, the biggest positive has been meeting my best friend. If I didn’t start having seizures right then, we may have never become this close. Now, a year later, I can’t imagine my life without her!

“A really cool positive was watching you and Jasmine become very close. Every time I was there, Jasmine was there too. Then, seeing you guys hanging outside of school was very cool.” ~Teacher
Thank you Jasmine, and everyone else who has helped out in one way or another!

Usually when we go through difficult times there is learning, It’s not always clear to see…but it’s there. God doesn’t like to see his children hurting but there is always a purpose for trials and he remains faithful through them.

“Learning to trust God every moment has been my biggest challenge and greatest joy of this past year.” ~Mom
We’ve also learned so much about anxiety, OCD, depression, and mental Illness in general.

“I’ve learned about some of the ways anxiety can show in physical forms and how the mind tells the body when it senses danger.” ~Teacher
We’ve earned about the huge stigma that’s attached to MI and how far that stigma is from the truth. People who don’t have personal experience with MI don’t understand how debilitating and life altering it can be. MI’s are invisible illnesses, meaning that people can’t see the illness: they can only see the altered behaviour that the illness causes.

I’m beginning to learn how to separate who I am from my illness, which is proving to be a huge struggle. They get mixed up so easily!

“Summer is not OCD or her MI, but she is an amazing girl who loves God and wants to help others. One thing I have learned about MI is that if everyone who has told me that they, or someone they know, struggle with MI, if all those people would not be ashamed and speak openly there would be no stigma. People would accept MI as a medical condition just as cancer and diabetes. That day is coming and you are helping by reading and sharing this blog.” ~Mom

The biggest learning will be learning how to manage my life with MI in it. It may all go away someday but there’s a chance it may not. That just means learning to live with the uncertainty that OCD brings into my life and learning to stand up to my thoughts. One day OCD, anxiety, and depression will, at the least, live quietly in the back of my mind rather than having complete control over me like it does today. Until then I will make the best of the good days and just get through the bad days, taking it moment by moment.