Even When It Hurts

These past few months have been a roller coaster. One week I'm feeling fantastic, the next week I'm sliding into a deep pit of depression with a side of psychosis and dissociation, then the next week I'm feeling mentally well but physically unwell, into Strathroy hospital, home, into Strathroy hospital again, then home, into Parkwood hospital, then home. 

It's draining.

 But, when all hope seems lost, I remember that not all is lost to the God of the impossible. He can take us through this place of weariness, weakness, pain, and struggles, and bring us to a new life of peace. We live in a fallen world so (I hate to break it to you but...) not all things are going to work out as we hope they will. We do not know the future or what's going to happen but we can rest assured and know that even in these terrible struggles, the worst situations, seemingly hopeless circumstances, God will work all things out for our good. That is truth.

Your struggle, situation, circumstance, however painful it may be, is the path that God is using to reveal more of himself to you. He knows you are going to need to lean on Him to get through this and that dependence is OK. In fact, that dependence on God is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Your struggles will not - cannot defeat you. They may appear to be taking you down but they are actually helping you to rise above. God will shape and transform your heart through this trial...but only if you allow Him. Why this particular, incredibly painful, trial? Honestly, I don't know. We may never know this side of heaven. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that His plan is to prosper us, not to harm us, and to give us a hope and a future.

We must learn to trust Him even when it hurts.

We must stand in faith no matter how big the storm that is overwhelming our life.

Some days trusting God seems like the hardest thing to do, other days it's a breeze, as if it were the only thing to do. The Lord brings the tide in and takes it out. He controls the wind and the rain. The sun rises at His command. He certainly has perfected His purpose for our lives and will provide for what we need.

Don't let your weariness make you think that God does not care for you when your prayers seem unanswered. His mercy and unending love are with you even now. He knows what you are doing in your life. He sees your tears and holds them in a bottle. He does not forget your name, where you are, or any other little detail about you. He is the God of all possibility and ultimately all things must bow to His will for your life.

The days are growing short and evil is abounding. Take joy knowing that even through Satan, the hand of God is in FULL CONTROL. He will never fail you nor will He let anything in this world destroy you.

Be strong. Jesus' promises give us peace no matter what happens here. None of these struggles we are going through - physical illness, mental illness, death of a loved one, stress, overwhelming business of life, social problems - can impede the purpose He has for us or the love He has for us. He knew our stories before the foundation of the earth. 

Trust that even in this mess, God will be with us. 

That is the hope that separates believers from the rest of the world. 

*if you're not a believer or you haven't accepted Christ into your life and you would like to know more about these promises that could be for you too-contact me! Or if you would like prayer or someone to talk to-contact me...I would love to hear from you! (summerschyff@hotmail.ca)

Recovery Update: The Joys and Sorrows of 2015

It's that time of year again when we evaluate everything we have accomplished over the past year.

THIS YEAR so much has changed! 

I spent the first 4 months (of a total of 9 month visit) in the new Parkwood mental health care hospital. During that time I received electro convulsive therapy (ECT-read past blogs for more info on that part of my journey). The ECT helped SO much but it was really only part of the treatment I needed to fully recover. Although my Dr. at that time thought that this was all I needed and I just needed to work out the rest with a psychologist (who I happened to not get along with...for good reasons). So, even though I was still struggling with severe OCD (that seemed no further help could be offered) and major dissociative episodes, my psychiatrist decided to send me home in May. 

I was home for a total of 3 weeks where I struggled through each and every day and night. After I had been home for a few weeks my primary contact at the hospital suddenly changed (I'm not ok with sudden changes!) and then my psychiatrist announced she was moving to a different hospital and I would be getting a new Dr. 

I felt shaken. Everything that was supposed to be my constant was shifting and the crazy thoughts in my head began to take over. Not just my mind but physically through dissociations.

So then, crisis after crisis occurred and my parents became understandably drained and had no choice but to let the crisis team to admit me to the hospital AGAIN. I spent several consecutive days unable to speak or communicate past nodding/shaking my head for yes or no. When I'm in this state I'm very irrational and tend to do things to hurt or injure myself badly or just run away, usually to somewhere unsafe (like the train tracks). I actually have very little memory of these times. I am very grateful for that but the things I do remember haunt me. Fortunately there are no full memories just little snapshots every once and a while and the memories of trying to get my bearings-calling my beyond-worried-mother when I "snap out" of the dissociation.

Once I was admitted I found out I would be put on a different unit than I had been on in my past stays over two years. I was super nervous about this move but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened! The nurses on this unit seemed to have a different perspective and had less judgement. Along with the new unit came a new psychiatrist! Again a huge, terrifying, change! But it worked out wonderfully!! I was supposed to see my new outpatient Dr (who I hadn't met yet) just a few days after I was admitted. So this lovely lady came to see me inpatient. She just walked into my room and started talking to me like we knew each other! Apparently she had come the day before and met me but I was in a dissociation and didn't say a word to her! She probably had no idea how she was going to help a patient who didn't talk! Eventually my new psychiatrist,  Dr. N, recognized my confusion and we did our introductions. I would soon find out what an incredible answer to prayer this Dr. was.

It didn't take me long to grow attached to Dr. N and apparently the feeling was mutual because she wasn't planning on taking on inpatients but she kept me (as inpatient then later as an outpatient!). As we got to know each other better she recognized how big a problem the OCD was and started me on Memantine: an experimental med for OCD and eventually Valproic Acid to help with the dissociations. This combination worked! Can you believe it!? After too many years of suffering my mind FINALLY had some relief!! And it took a while, but combined with individual "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" the dissociations came to an end too.

Isn't that a happy ending!?!? 

Suffering, suffering, suffering...then boom God sends some healing! 

When you think you can't go one more step...God steps in and walks a thousand until you have the strength to go on your own again. When you think you can't handle one more bad day...God sends someone to make you smile or laugh. If you think you're never going to get better, you think you're going to die from this terrible illness, you think your situation is completely hopeless...I promise you with everything in me, that God will step in and show you HEALING-but it will be on His time not yours. In the meantime He will be holding your right hand.

This time last year (it feels like so much longer than that!) I was in a really, really, terrible place. I did not have any desire to live or fight off my illness. When I reflected on the year that passed I felt like such a failure. I hadn't done anything to get me closer to my goals. In fact, my goals had turned to dust and all I was doing was passing time. This part of my life was so terrible that I don't even remember much of it, like I blocked it out of my memory. 

Now that I'm passed that, I'm doing everything I can not to go back, but I do need to look at this time so I can see and ponder all the wonderful ways God protected me: from cars passing when I dissociated on a street, from trains while I walked the tracks, from my countless suicide attempts, and from small things like infections from my deep cuts from the glass I picked up. It really is a miracle that I'm still here today. Now, near the end of this year, I thank God for the blessing of life. Even though it's still tough. I'm not yet fully recovered. Far from it, actually. But I'm way farther than I was. Somedays I still have to fight SO incredibly hard. It will be like that for a while still but I believe the worst is past. This is clichéd but: because of these struggles I am stronger, my faith is unshakable, I look for blessings more, and live life fully.

I can honestly say, for the first time in quite a while, that I am REALLY looking forward to all that the new year has to bring! I'm excited to have Zoë by my side full time. I'm excited to keep working on my OCD (well...sort of...it's the hardest thing to ever do but it has results that improve the quality of my life!). I'm excited to keep working on other aspects of my mental health and excited to (hopefully) get some answers for my physical health. I'm excited to be going to church again like normal people (as opposed to leaving the sanctuary or sitting in the balcony). I'm excited for the possibility of online courses in the fall (if things keep improving as they have). I'm also excited for small things, like, the possibility of living an outpatient life, the possibility of making new friends, and hanging out with old friends (doing fun things instead of visiting in a hospital setting).

Most of all I'm happy to just be living the life of a happy person.

So, thank you God, for an INCREDIBLE end to the year! I owe it all to you! I just want to know the person who created me and blessed me with this new outlook, better. I am fully yours!

To all those who haven't gotten this far in recovery yet...you will get there. It feels impossible and lonely. This journey is hard, I know. The way I feel now is so worth the fight! So I can't push you enough to keep fighting with all (even if it's only reaching out your hand!) the strength you can muster. You're going to make it because I am praying for each and every person who reads this blog.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have been following this journey! Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me, kept in contact, hugged me, taken time to make (temporary) changes-until I can overcome more of my OCD, to those who have gone out of their way to help me with my anxiety, or to those who just made me feel normal. I love and appreciate you all! 

I feel like a brand new person.

Personal Update and How You Can Pray For Me

Personal update and how you can pray for me: 

Right now, mentally, I am doing quite well! Praise The Lord! For the most part my OCD has been manageable and the dissociations have been minimal no big "episodes" where I run away, get lost, cut, and loose contact with reality (although at times I have to work really hard to fight them off 👊 I've learned coping skills that actually help!). Although things are all well right now I will still have bad days ahead. 🙏 Please pray that I will continue to take life one moment at a time. Pray that I will be able to remember the good days when I'm having bad days and most importantly pray that I have more good days!

I've been coming off of one of my main medications 💊 [nosinan-my antipsychotic] (due to side effects). The first time I came off of it I was a wreck!! I had a major dissociative episode and then almost 3 weeks of days after days of complete dissociation. So we went back on it and added a new medication that would hopefully replace the old one. I'm SO happy to say that this switch has been quite successful ! I'm almost off the nosinan (i was on 100mg now im down to 25mg!). 🙏 Please pray for the remainder of this switch! And that this new "mood stabilizer" continues to be effective.

My Dr says that if things continue to be stable and I'm feeling good we are looking at discharge from the hospital in a couple weeks! YAY! And I have a good feeling about this discharge because my team is so great, flexible, and supportive!

On the downside my seizures have really been acting up over the past week. They had been pretty controlled for such a long time but I've had 4 big ones this week and luckily only minor injuries have occurred! 🙏 Please pray that we can figure out why I'm having this flare all of a sudden. Please pray that these episodes stop happening. Pray for safety if they are to occur and pray for Zoë  as this is great training and experience for her! 🐶

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

In these troubled times (and all times) God isn't just some far off god who created everything who now just sits back and watches us run around like maniacs...NO God is a loving humble God who actually cares for us! He can do anything in the entire universe but He chooses to come care for us and hold us up. How incredible is that?

Father, we are in awe of your love and character. We praise you for all you've done and all you have yet to do. Help us to love you with a passion even as we're struggling.

A big thank you goes out to all of my prayer warriors out there-I have the most wonderful supporters from all over the world! God has really blessed me with the greatest friends and family, dog, Dr, rec therapist, and team ever!

Enough

Some days are just hard. 

I'm numb but everything hurts. I'm sick of hurting; sick of crying myself to sleep; sick of faking a smile; and sick of feeling worse. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot and there is so much more that I keep inside so it doesn't hurt anyone else. Then sometimes I get physically sick because I feel so "not good enough," because I "can't do anything right," and I'm too tired to go on.

The thing is, alone, I'm not enough. Alone, I can't fight this, And that's OK because, praise the Lord, we are NOT alone and with Him we are ALWAYS enough.

Someone, somewhere needs to hear this today. If that's you, I just want to take a second to tell you how enough you are. 

You are genuine. You are wise and you are compassionate. Your struggles have shaped a kind and gentle heart. You are purposeful (trust me you really are). You are loving and you are courageous. You are intuitive (your gorgeous soul always knows best). You are capable (even when you don't feel as if you are) and you are adaptable (or else you wouldn't have made it this far). 

You are extraordinary and with God on your team, 

you are so enough it blows my mind.

God wants you to know that you don't have to fight alone. 

Give in to the loving arms He's reaching out to you. 

You have the Holy Spirit here to comfort you, teach you, and help you. 

Now go take some time to go love yourself and the wonderful God who created you.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. "(Psalm 139:13-14)

Break up letter

Dear OCD,

Sometimes I wonder why I was cursed with you. Day after day I stand here tormented by you. At times your anxiety grips me so hard I can barely breathe. You caused my immobilizing seizures. you're so unreliable! You always tell me to panic when I have an unsafe thought when no one else would be phased by  such a thought.

I hate that you are aware (or at least part of you is aware) that my anxiety doesn't match up with reality. Part of you tells me that my fears aren't going to happen. Part of you is rational. 

But only part.

And that's painfully cruel! You've taken over my brain and made my brain betray me. Brain, you have to know how cruel that is because even though I know I should let this fear go-you won't let me. Even as you taunt me with reality you still force me to clutch that anxiety to my chest.

You make me go to war with myself, making me ruminate until I'm physically and mentally exhausted. You make my thoughts bounce back and forth like  pinball machine. You send out 600 "what ifs" per hour. The only way I can let go of these thoughts is through sheer exhaustion.

Sometimes I hate you, brain, and because you are a part of me...sometimes I hate me BUT I don't have to take this anymore. Now I'm standing up to you! I'm not going to let you control my life anymore. Until now our relationship has been built on fear and that's just not healthy. Relationships need trust and I just can't trust you. So, I guess this is it...I'm breaking up with you. I don't want you to be part of my life anymore. I'm taking the necessary steps to get rid of you for good. Good bye OCD...I'm moving on from you.

            Sincerely,

        Summer

How May I Help You?

We all find ourselves in situations where we feel we have no control, where we feel hopeless and alone. Maybe you're suddenly without a job, lost in a stormy dark night, your relationship or marriage is spiralling out of control, your child shows you no respect, or a sickness or death leaves you breathless and now you feel your friends distancing themselves from you because they don't know what to say or do. What would you like people to do for you if you were in one of these situations?

Most likely you would want them to do for you as I would want you to do for me. When you know I am cutting to try and stop the pain, when I'm running away from fear, when I am hearing illogical voices in my head that are constantly telling me untruths, or when you see me crouching in a corner, alone and inclosed by an inescapable sadness, please:

Take my hand and lift me up.

Show me compassion, not pity or disgust.

Tell me, retell me, assure me, that I am a woman of worth and significance.

Show me you love me with an unconditional love (Don't just tell me!).

Show me grace.

Treat me as you would a "normal" person-because I am.

Invite me to be-and accept me as-your true friend.

Give me a shoulder to cry on.

Don't abandon me.

Don't be afraid to talk with me. I can share what I am comfortable with (some days will be different than others).

Try and understand me (all I ask is that you try).

Be honest and tell me what you're thinking.

Don't try and be my psychologist-leave that to the experts.

Pray for me and with me-only God is my complete healer!

Read/message me the truths of God's word to me-I need to be reminded often.




(SAY)

I'm here for you

You're not alone in this

You are important to me

Do you want a hug? (please ask because somedays it may make things worse)

When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you

I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I am here to listen and support you

I'm not going to leave or abandon you

You're not crazy

I love you (only if you mean it)

It sucks that you're in so much pain

I'm not going to leave you; I'm going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me

What can I do to help?

This must be very hard for you

I'm here for you; I'll always be here

You are amazing, strong, and beautiful

You'll get through this

You never have to apologize for your illness or feeling this way

I'm not scared of you


These statements show that you recognize that 
I am in pain, that you don't understand, and that you will be there for me anyways.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is give me a little escape from my mind. Distract me with something fun and leave my illness aside for a while. I love to have fun but sometimes my illness gets in the way. 

 I know I have significance in God's sight. I know I am loved by him and that gives me a sense of purpose, hope, peace, and comfort that no one will ever experience unless you know Jesus Christ personally...but would it ever feel great if I could feel that, and hear that from you as well. I know it would speed my recovery and it would give you a sense that God is using you to heal me.

Thank you to my wonderful Papa, Jim Johnston, for helping me with this post! I love you!

One Year Ago...

It’s really quite crazy how quickly things can change. One day I’m thinking about finishing up the semester, getting a job, and heading off to college…the next thing I know my world blacks out and suddenly I’m trapped in a confused reality. Then you think its just a fluke. Lots of people ‘faint’ every now and then- no big deal…until it happens again, only this time you discover it’s a seizure …and again…and again…Then you start to realize that your entire future is looking different. The seizures make life unsafe so working is no longer an option. They mess with your memory and ‘finishing up the semester’ suddenly becomes A LOT harder than school has ever been. Even simple things like walking to class on my own become major challenges because I would get lost or forget where I was going.

A year ago today I had my very first seizure. In case you have missed something or you’re just starting to read now, you can read the previous post for a short catch-up of my past year.

We have learned so much through this journey. By we I mean-my family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates, and even you: my blog-readers. This experience has not just been hard for me but also for everyone around me.

“At school, when I saw you going through these seizures I felt scared and helpless. No matter how much I told myself that you were in God's hands and that he would protect you and take care of you, it was always so hard for me to not feel scared for you and feel so helpless and like I couldn't help you! Day after day I would check up on you at school and everyday I would constantly be wondering how you were and where you were and just being worried for you. It always broke my heart to have to go searching the school for you and then finding you somewhere, sometimes bleeding, just being so confused and looking so lost! All I wanted to do was hug you and tell you that you were fine but you didn't know who I was half the time and I would just feel so helpless! That time when you had a full out seizure and I went with your mom to the hospital was probably one of the worst feelings ever. I had to watch you go to the hospital in an ambulance on a stretcher and then I had to sit in the waiting room just praying and praying.” ~Close Friend

Although this year has been tough, it’s not all been bad. There are still some good days, and there are still things to laugh and smile about.

“One of the things that stand out to me was your humour through it all. You could just be coming out of an episode and we could joke about you coming back. I could joke about you going for a walk and not knowing where you were going. Not everyone could do that.” ~Teacher
One of the big positives for me was seeing how many people have been willing to help out. Friends willing to change their schedules for me or make changes to still include me in plans, teachers helping with class work and going beyond normal teacher duties, and family making me feel extra loved and prayed for. But, the biggest positive has been meeting my best friend. If I didn’t start having seizures right then, we may have never become this close. Now, a year later, I can’t imagine my life without her!

“A really cool positive was watching you and Jasmine become very close. Every time I was there, Jasmine was there too. Then, seeing you guys hanging outside of school was very cool.” ~Teacher
Thank you Jasmine, and everyone else who has helped out in one way or another!

Usually when we go through difficult times there is learning, It’s not always clear to see…but it’s there. God doesn’t like to see his children hurting but there is always a purpose for trials and he remains faithful through them.

“Learning to trust God every moment has been my biggest challenge and greatest joy of this past year.” ~Mom
We’ve also learned so much about anxiety, OCD, depression, and mental Illness in general.

“I’ve learned about some of the ways anxiety can show in physical forms and how the mind tells the body when it senses danger.” ~Teacher
We’ve earned about the huge stigma that’s attached to MI and how far that stigma is from the truth. People who don’t have personal experience with MI don’t understand how debilitating and life altering it can be. MI’s are invisible illnesses, meaning that people can’t see the illness: they can only see the altered behaviour that the illness causes.

I’m beginning to learn how to separate who I am from my illness, which is proving to be a huge struggle. They get mixed up so easily!

“Summer is not OCD or her MI, but she is an amazing girl who loves God and wants to help others. One thing I have learned about MI is that if everyone who has told me that they, or someone they know, struggle with MI, if all those people would not be ashamed and speak openly there would be no stigma. People would accept MI as a medical condition just as cancer and diabetes. That day is coming and you are helping by reading and sharing this blog.” ~Mom

The biggest learning will be learning how to manage my life with MI in it. It may all go away someday but there’s a chance it may not. That just means learning to live with the uncertainty that OCD brings into my life and learning to stand up to my thoughts. One day OCD, anxiety, and depression will, at the least, live quietly in the back of my mind rather than having complete control over me like it does today. Until then I will make the best of the good days and just get through the bad days, taking it moment by moment.