I'm numb but everything hurts. I'm sick of hurting; sick of crying myself to sleep; sick of faking a smile; and sick of feeling worse.
It hurts. It hurts a lot and there is so much more that I keep inside so it doesn't hurt anyone else. Then sometimes I get physically sick because I feel so "not good enough," because I "can't do anything right," and I'm too tired to go on.
The thing is, alone, I'm not enough. Alone, I can't fight this, And that's OK because, praisetheLord, we are NOT alone and with Him we are ALWAYS enough.
Someone, somewhere needs to hear this today. If that's you, I just want to take a second to tell you how enough you are.
You are genuine. You are wise and you are compassionate. Your struggles have shaped a kind and gentle heart. You are purposeful (trust me you really are). You are loving and you are courageous. You are intuitive (your gorgeous soul always knows best). You are capable (even when you don't feel as if you are) and you are adaptable (or else you wouldn't have made it this far).
You are extraordinary and with God on your team,
you are so enough it blows my mind.
God wants you to know that you don't have to fight alone.
Give in to the loving arms He's reaching out to you.
You have the Holy Spirit here to comfort you, teach you, and help you.
Now go take some time to go love yourself and the wonderful God who created you.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. "(Psalm 139:13-14)
These days people seem to make a big deal of telling people to "hold on" or "be strong"...but you know what...? It's okay to not always be strong. It's okay to break down and it's okay to cry. Some days are just hard and we need to accept them as they are. Some days all I can do is cry out to God to come save me from this mess of a mind I carry on my shoulders. Some days my heart is in such a shamble that I wonder how I managed to get dressed in the morning never mind survive the day...but you know what...? That's okay too. Some days are just hard and that's okay. Having a bad day and breaking down doesn't mean you're going to have a bad day everyday. It simply means that you had a bad day. Crying on a hard day doesn't make you weak, it simply makes you human. It's okay to not always be okay and it's okay to not always be strong. Fight when you can but relax when you need to. It's okay to be scared and overwhelmed just don't let it consume you. Let it be okay to not be okay and okay to not always be strong. When we are so weak we feel like quitting we must allow God to continue to carry us through no matter how badly you want to give up. Gods power is made perfect when we are not enough. “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9New Living Translation (NLT)
Over the past year and a half I have been battling severe depression (which leads to suicidal thinking)-along with psychosis (Which is mainly controlled with medication now) and severe OCD. In that time my depression has been in a downward spiral. Even with each medication we tried I've just been feeling worse and worse. Medications were making me feel hopeless. I felt as if every few months my dr would say, "Here's another medication to try. It may work but probably not so welcome to your life for the next two months while we wait to see if this works" (OK, maybe they didn't quite say it like that...) Then every few months I would report "No change" (in fact, I was feeling worse). I've been stuck in a hopeless downward spiral of depression. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but the OCD makes me need to try and distract myself from my thoughts. No matter how hard I've tried to make myself feel happy I'm just not. Happiness feels so distant; out of reach. Because nothing is helping my depression we are trying electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday they put me to sleep and then shock my brain into a controlled seizure. The weird thing about ECT is that no one knows exactly how/why it works. All they know is that it "resets" the chemicals in the brain. I started ECT on Wednesday (Jan. 21st) and I'll have up to 20 treatments. There is a lot of hope that ECT will work for me. I've seen a few other people have really great results from ECT and I'm hoping to see the same for me. So far I've only had two treatments so it is too early to see a change but the treatments have gone really well-my body is responding well to the treatments. After the ECT is finished we will still be going to Toronto to get assessed and get some treatment for the OCD. In the Bible, Canaan was a land with giants. The Anakites may have been 7-9' tall. Many of the walls around the city were up to 30' tall! The Israelites fear was understandable but not justified because the All Powerful God had already promised them victory. Sometimes I find myself fearful of the war raging inside my heart. The battle of good & evil; joy & sadness. I focus on the negatives and doubt God will actually pull through and help me find victory. "Where can we go? Our brothers made us lose heart. They say the people are stronger and taller than we are with walls up to the sky. We even saw Anakites there.Then I said to you 'Don't be shocked or afraid of them! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you just as you saw him do in Egypt and you saw how The Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you travelled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place." Deuteronomy 1:29-33 Although the road God wants us to take is sometimes scarier and harder, God has promised to lead the way and take care of us just as He has brought us this far in our journey. Please pray that I will trust God when he says He will win the victory in my battle. Please pray that the ECT works and for as few side effects as possible.
Dear God, I don't understand why you've placed me on this journey. Don't you see that it's too hard for me? Do you see me? Do you care? Where are you? Why aren't you helping me? How long will you leave me here struggling just to breathe? I'm drowning in pain; I weep all night long. My cheeks are stained with tears. How long must I wrestle with these thoughts and live with this sorrow in my heart? I've built up all these tall walls around me to keep everyone at a safe distance but I'm lonely, Lord. Heal me because I cannot go one more step. I am faint; my mind is in agony; all night long my soul is in anguish. I'm worn out from all my anxieties. How long, O Lord, how long? Sincerely, The Hurt and Broken Dear the Hurt and Broken, I have heard your weeping. I keep track of all your sorrows. I have collected all your tears in my bottle. I have recorded each one in my book. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time for war and a time for peace. There is time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven. My timing is perfect for I know what I am doing. Although this season hurts, I have a plan for your life, trust me. Do not give up this fight because I know the outcome. I have already won the Victory. Daughter, I love you so much. Sincerely, God Dear God, I'm sorry that I ever doubted you. I know that you are perfect and holy. I'm so grateful that you hear every tear that falls and answer every request. Help me to take hold of my faith and hang on no matter what the storms of tomorrow bring. Right now hope is dangled in the winds of uncertainty. I don't struggle with whether you will deliver on your promise to make something beautiful from the shattered remains of my life-I just wonder when. I thank you that I have recovered enough to believe that things will get better...somehow...someway. And maybe, just maybe, you're not finished with me yet. Please help me to survive until the next chapter of my life. Sincerely, your Daughter Dear Daughter, Remember that I am holding you with invisible hands. Don't worry about the rest. Sincerely, God
We all find ourselves in situations where we feel we have no control, where we feel hopeless and alone. Maybe you're suddenly without a job, lost in a stormy dark night, your relationship or marriage is spiralling out of control, your child shows you no respect, or a sickness or death leaves you breathless and now you feel your friends distancing themselves from you because they don't know what to say or do. What would you like people to do for you if you were in one of these situations?
Most likely you would want them to do for you as I would want you to do for me. When you know I am cutting to try and stop the pain, when I'm running away from fear, when I am hearing illogical voices in my head that are constantly telling me untruths, or when you see me crouching in a corner, alone and inclosed by an inescapable sadness, please:
Take my hand and lift me up.
Show me compassion, not pity or disgust.
Tell me, retell me, assure me, that I am a woman of worth and significance.
Show me you love me with an unconditional love (Don't just tell me!).
Show me grace.
Treat me as you would a "normal" person-because I am.
Invite me to be-and accept me as-your true friend.
Give me a shoulder to cry on.
Don't abandon me.
Don't be afraid to talk with me. I can share what I am comfortable with (some days will be different than others).
Try and understand me (all I ask is that you try).
Be honest and tell me what you're thinking.
Don't try and be my psychologist-leave that to the experts.
Pray for me and with me-only God is my complete healer!
Read/message me the truths of God's word to me-I need to be reminded often.
(SAY)
I'm here for you
You're not alone in this
You are important to me
Do you want a hug? (please ask because somedays it may make things worse)
When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you
I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I am here to listen and support you
I'm not going to leave or abandon you
You're not crazy
I love you (only if you mean it)
It sucks that you're in so much pain
I'm not going to leave you; I'm going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me
What can I do to help?
This must be very hard for you
I'm here for you; I'll always be here
You are amazing, strong, and beautiful
You'll get through this
You never have to apologize for your illness or feeling this way
I'm not scared of you
These statements show that you recognize that
I am in pain, that you don't understand, and that you will be there for me anyways.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is give me a little escape from my mind. Distract me with something fun and leave my illness aside for a while. I love to have fun but sometimes my illness gets in the way.
I know I have significance in God's sight. I know I am loved by him and that gives me a sense of purpose, hope, peace, and comfort that no one will ever experience unless you know Jesus Christ personally...but would it ever feel great if I could feel that, and hear that from you as well. I know it would speed my recovery and it would give you a sense that God is using you to heal me.
Thank you to my wonderful Papa, Jim Johnston, for helping me with this post! I love you!
I watched Frozen again the other night and both times I watched it I couldn't help but notice the similarities to my life with MI (mental illness). Could Disney be speaking of the dangers of stigmatizing MI and the power that love and acceptance has in recovery? Honestly, I don't know...but the similarities were too much for me to pass up.
Elsa, one of the main characters in the film, has a "condition" that is strongly linked to her emotions. She has explosions of ice from her hands that she cannot control. With my mental illness I have emotions and actions that, at times, I cannot control.
When Elsa is little she accidentally hurts her sister, Anna, with her powers. I know there have been times where I have hurt other people when I've done things I didn't mean to do.
Elsa and her parents become afraid that Elsa will become completely uncontrollable. They chose to shield everyone from her powers by keeping them a secret. They give her gloves to control her ice powers. My family and I are big believers in raising awareness for MI but there still has been times when the stigma has seeped into our minds. My family has never asked me to keep my illness a secret though, and they are completely supportive of this blog. Unfortunately, this is not the case for many children and teens. Many people go undiagnosed because they are afraid to have something "wrong" with them, or if they are diagnosed, it's kept low key.
"Conceal; don't feel" became Elsa's motto. I could write a whole blog about trying to "control" my illness in a society that doesn't understand it.
Elsa learns to shut everyone out of her life, even the people who desperately wanted to connect with her. I can't even count how many times I've felt so unloveable and ashamed that i locked myself away from the people who care about me. To everyone who's been trying to love me: you deserve a medal.
In the movie, Elsa has an embarrassing public outburst which causes some confusion and even some harsh criticism. One man repeatedly calls her a monster and tries to convince everyone that she is unfit to rule the kingdom. I'm not sure if this is a negative or positive that I can't remember most of what happens during a psychotic episode. Even though I can't remember, I still feel so embarrassed for doing such silly things that I wouldn't do in my right state of mind. At one point, Satan even had me convinced that I am unforgivable and that I would never make it to heaven.
Elsa runs away to the mountains by herself where she slowly learns to accept and even find beauty in her "condition." The lyrics to the song Let it Go (It's not just some little catchy song!)are so relatable to my life with MI! The song talks about holding everything inside because of shame, then "letting go" of it all, not letting the things that make you different hold you captive.
In the end, love is what restores Elsa, Anna, and their kingdom back to order. It is that love that inspires the entire kingdom to accept & embrace Elsa's powers. I know that I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for the power of unconditional love and support from my family, friends, and God.
Stigma keeps us silent.
Stigma keeps us away from others.
Stigma banishes us to the outskirts of society.
But love and acceptance can heal.
In order to teach the mentally ill how to love themselves; we must first learn how to love them.
It starts with the conversation. Lets talk!
(That is, if you can get Let it Go out of your head for a minute. ;)
Are you struggling? Are you worn out and tired? Do you feel like you are about to give up? Then hold on! Be strong! Hope is coming for you! If you have made it this far than you are a fighter!
I know what it feels like to think you're drowning and believe you're not going to make it to the other side of your mountain. I know what it feels like to reach your breaking point. You say you "can't do this anymore." You feel as if life is too much for you to handle and you would rather just die so you can be with Jesus. You feel like your life is out of control. You think you've gone too far. You've even convinced yourself that God could neverlove you. I've been there...actually I'm still recovering from that place. I know you will struggle to believe these next words but I promise you, with all I have in me, that these are all words of truth!
It's a daily battle for me to believe the things I know to be true. Somedays I win; somedays I loose, but thank God the final battle has already been won! We have victory in Christ! One day (in God's timing) Christ will bring us to the place where he will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more pain, sorrow, crying, or death. What a wonderful truth!
This trial that you're going through is not the last word! God has written the final chapter and it is about fulfillment and eternal joy for those who love him. Eternity with God will be more amazing than we could ever imagine! Hearing about how awesome heaven will be makes me feel so impatient...I long to be "home" with Jesus NOW...but that is not His plan. God's plan and God's timing are perfect. He has a purpose for you-an amazing plan that ONLY YOU could fulfill-before he calls you home.
"He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be My son [daughter]." ~Revelation 21:7
The people who overcome "stand firm to the end." Following Christ requires boldness and bravery to stand for him through these difficult trials. Yes, He is carrying us (especially when we don't "feel" him) but we must do our part to walk with Christ with all the strength we can muster up. THEN, on the days we are too weak we must cling to His promises with every last ounce of strength we can find. On our darkest days when we barely have the strength to call out his name we can merely whisper his name and He will hear us. Sooner or later life turns upside down for everyone. When life gets hard the road to recovery may not be painless. It may not be quick but God is going to use this struggle for good...trust Him.
