It’s really quite crazy how quickly things can change. One day I’m thinking about finishing up the semester, getting a job, and heading off to college…the next thing I know my world blacks out and suddenly I’m trapped in a confused reality. Then you think its just a fluke. Lots of people ‘faint’ every now and then- no big deal…until it happens again, only this time you discover it’s a seizure …and again…and again…Then you start to realize that your entire future is looking different. The seizures make life unsafe so working is no longer an option. They mess with your memory and ‘finishing up the semester’ suddenly becomes A LOT harder than school has ever been. Even simple things like walking to class on my own become major challenges because I would get lost or forget where I was going.
A year ago today I had my very first seizure. In case you have missed something or you’re just starting to read now, you can read the previous post for a short catch-up of my past year.
We have learned so much through this journey. By we I mean-my family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates, and even you: my blog-readers. This experience has not just been hard for me but also for everyone around me.
“At school, when I saw you going through these seizures I felt scared and helpless. No matter how much I told myself that you were in God's hands and that he would protect you and take care of you, it was always so hard for me to not feel scared for you and feel so helpless and like I couldn't help you! Day after day I would check up on you at school and everyday I would constantly be wondering how you were and where you were and just being worried for you. It always broke my heart to have to go searching the school for you and then finding you somewhere, sometimes bleeding, just being so confused and looking so lost! All I wanted to do was hug you and tell you that you were fine but you didn't know who I was half the time and I would just feel so helpless! That time when you had a full out seizure and I went with your mom to the hospital was probably one of the worst feelings ever. I had to watch you go to the hospital in an ambulance on a stretcher and then I had to sit in the waiting room just praying and praying.” ~Close Friend
Although this year has been tough, it’s not all been bad. There are still some good days, and there are still things to laugh and smile about.
“One of the things that stand out to me was your humour through it all. You could just be coming out of an episode and we could joke about you coming back. I could joke about you going for a walk and not knowing where you were going. Not everyone could do that.” ~Teacher
One of the big positives for me was seeing how many people have been willing to help out. Friends willing to change their schedules for me or make changes to still include me in plans, teachers helping with class work and going beyond normal teacher duties, and family making me feel extra loved and prayed for. But, the biggest positive has been meeting my best friend. If I didn’t start having seizures right then, we may have never become this close. Now, a year later, I can’t imagine my life without her!
“A really cool positive was watching you and Jasmine become very close. Every time I was there, Jasmine was there too. Then, seeing you guys hanging outside of school was very cool.” ~Teacher
Thank you Jasmine, and everyone else who has helped out in one way or another!
Usually when we go through difficult times there is learning, It’s not always clear to see…but it’s there. God doesn’t like to see his children hurting but there is always a purpose for trials and he remains faithful through them.
“Learning to trust God every moment has been my biggest challenge and greatest joy of this past year.” ~Mom
We’ve also learned so much about anxiety, OCD, depression, and mental Illness in general.
“I’ve learned about some of the ways anxiety can show in physical forms and how the mind tells the body when it senses danger.” ~Teacher
We’ve earned about the huge stigma that’s attached to MI and how far that stigma is from the truth. People who don’t have personal experience with MI don’t understand how debilitating and life altering it can be. MI’s are invisible illnesses, meaning that people can’t see the illness: they can only see the altered behaviour that the illness causes.
I’m beginning to learn how to separate who I am from my illness, which is proving to be a huge struggle. They get mixed up so easily!
“Summer is not OCD or her MI, but she is an amazing girl who loves God and wants to help others. One thing I have learned about MI is that if everyone who has told me that they, or someone they know, struggle with MI, if all those people would not be ashamed and speak openly there would be no stigma. People would accept MI as a medical condition just as cancer and diabetes. That day is coming and you are helping by reading and sharing this blog.” ~Mom
The biggest learning will be learning how to manage my life with MI in it. It may all go away someday but there’s a chance it may not. That just means learning to live with the uncertainty that OCD brings into my life and learning to stand up to my thoughts. One day OCD, anxiety, and depression will, at the least, live quietly in the back of my mind rather than having complete control over me like it does today. Until then I will make the best of the good days and just get through the bad days, taking it moment by moment.
Tuesday 19 November 2013
Catch Up
A year ago today I had my very first seizure. In case you have missed something or you’re just starting to read now, here are some of the major things that have happened in my life over the past year:
November 19th I began having seizures which continued to get bigger and more frequent until April when I was diagnosed with non-epileptic seizures. The seizures were supposed to go away on their own within a few weeks of the diagnosis (but have yet to stop).
In June, I finally told my mom about the awful thoughts that had tormented me for 11 years. June 14th I was diagnosed with OCD and began the process of finding the right medications and treatments.
In July, I was accepted to bible college thinking that I could audit courses while continuing with mental health treatments. I eventually came to the conclusion that it would be too risky to add the extra stressors to my life and made the difficult decision to put school on hold for a while.
Mid-July, I became severely depressed. Between July 23rd and October 16th I had 3 hospital admissions for psychiatric care. I spent 66 out of those 102 days in hospital.
I have now been home for a month…but that does not mean I am better. In fact some days are worse, but we have made changes that have allowed me to stay safe in my home.
November 19th I began having seizures which continued to get bigger and more frequent until April when I was diagnosed with non-epileptic seizures. The seizures were supposed to go away on their own within a few weeks of the diagnosis (but have yet to stop).
In June, I finally told my mom about the awful thoughts that had tormented me for 11 years. June 14th I was diagnosed with OCD and began the process of finding the right medications and treatments.
In July, I was accepted to bible college thinking that I could audit courses while continuing with mental health treatments. I eventually came to the conclusion that it would be too risky to add the extra stressors to my life and made the difficult decision to put school on hold for a while.
Mid-July, I became severely depressed. Between July 23rd and October 16th I had 3 hospital admissions for psychiatric care. I spent 66 out of those 102 days in hospital.
I have now been home for a month…but that does not mean I am better. In fact some days are worse, but we have made changes that have allowed me to stay safe in my home.
Saturday 9 November 2013
I have OCD...SOOO now what...?
In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.
OCD makes up all these “rules” that become mental compulsions. (If a person has contamination obsessions, they compulsively wash their hands as a reaction to the contamination thought.) In reaction to my violent obsessions I repeatedly count by 3’s up to 33 to neutralize the thoughts, distract myself, or suppress the thoughts. Also, in reaction to my thoughts I have given the colour red ‘special power.’ I avoid the colour red as often as possible-I don‘t look at it and I don’t touch or use-anything red because I am afraid that the colour will make me lose control. I also have ‘superstitious compulsions.’ I am afraid that stepping on vertical lines will make me loose control and make me act on one of my thoughts. I know that these things are ridiculous! But at the same time, I just cannot bring myself to do (or not do) these silly actions. That’s Just how OCD works.
My treatment for OCD involves medication to help with the strong anxiety (& depression) and also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a way of re-training my brain and body. The compulsions are so strongly engraved in my mind that they are just automatic! Sometimes I don’t even realize I am counting!
On Tuesdays my CBT group learns about OCD and the cognitive part of therapy. The cognitive part of therapy focuses on the mind and the thought processes. On Fridays my CBT group does “exposures” which focus on challenging behaviours. When I say “exposures” I mean exposing myself to the things I am really afraid of or exposing myself to the extremely high anxiety that comes from not doing a compulsion. Now, that Is the really hard part because it‘s the exact opposite of what OCD is telling me to do! (And may I add… OCD is preeeetty convincing…)
For example, I have a fear of my thoughts and feel that the colour red will make me lose control and act on my thoughts. That is why I don’t look at red, touch red, and or wear red…and certainly not do any of these things while having terrible thoughts. So, to help get rid of that fear I need to expose myself to both red & my thoughts.
We start out with "easy" [quotations because it's not really easy at all...just the most 'do-able'] exposures-things that cause me anxiety but not so much anxiety that I wouldn‘t be able to sit with it. Then we build on it.
1. My first exposure was just to simply write down my thoughts-even though that felt like it was making these disgusting, horrible, images and thoughts even more real.
2. My second exposure was to look at something red for a while and allow my thoughts to come.
I began by looking just as long as long as I could stand the anxiety. Then, as I pushed myself, I could look at red for longer periods of time . It seems like a simple task but It caused me so much anxiety!
3. Then I wrote my thoughts in red. And eventually posted them on my wall (DEFINITELY not something I wanted hanging there-but that way I could be exposing my self even more to the thoughts).
4. For my fourth exposure I started to wear red shoes AND allow my thoughts to just come rather than pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself with counting.
5. THEN… I BOUGHT A RED SWEATER TO WEAR! (Around the house)
6. This week I am starting to wear red
Right Now: sometimes I can look at red things without even thinking about it!! Other times I am still able to easily challenge myself when | automatically look away. I catch myself looking away and I can say to myself,
When I started wearing red my anxiety level would stay between 80/100-100/100.
Right Now: wearing my red shoes while there is no “dangerous” situations my distress level is only 20/100 and wearing the red sweater while I’m at home with no “dangerous” situations my distress can sit at just 50/100! {Just 2 weeks ago the lowest it would go is 70/100 after sitting for several hours with 85-95/100}.
I get so easily discouraged when I think about how far I still need to go to be in control of ODC but I really need to keep it in perspective. I have been living with ODC for 12 years and I have only been in this group for 9 weeks.
*See...I even used red font there!
OCD makes up all these “rules” that become mental compulsions. (If a person has contamination obsessions, they compulsively wash their hands as a reaction to the contamination thought.) In reaction to my violent obsessions I repeatedly count by 3’s up to 33 to neutralize the thoughts, distract myself, or suppress the thoughts. Also, in reaction to my thoughts I have given the colour red ‘special power.’ I avoid the colour red as often as possible-I don‘t look at it and I don’t touch or use-anything red because I am afraid that the colour will make me lose control. I also have ‘superstitious compulsions.’ I am afraid that stepping on vertical lines will make me loose control and make me act on one of my thoughts. I know that these things are ridiculous! But at the same time, I just cannot bring myself to do (or not do) these silly actions. That’s Just how OCD works.
So how do I recover from OCD?
My treatment for OCD involves medication to help with the strong anxiety (& depression) and also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a way of re-training my brain and body. The compulsions are so strongly engraved in my mind that they are just automatic! Sometimes I don’t even realize I am counting!
On Tuesdays my CBT group learns about OCD and the cognitive part of therapy. The cognitive part of therapy focuses on the mind and the thought processes. On Fridays my CBT group does “exposures” which focus on challenging behaviours. When I say “exposures” I mean exposing myself to the things I am really afraid of or exposing myself to the extremely high anxiety that comes from not doing a compulsion. Now, that Is the really hard part because it‘s the exact opposite of what OCD is telling me to do! (And may I add… OCD is preeeetty convincing…)
For example, I have a fear of my thoughts and feel that the colour red will make me lose control and act on my thoughts. That is why I don’t look at red, touch red, and or wear red…and certainly not do any of these things while having terrible thoughts. So, to help get rid of that fear I need to expose myself to both red & my thoughts.
We start out with "easy" [quotations because it's not really easy at all...just the most 'do-able'] exposures-things that cause me anxiety but not so much anxiety that I wouldn‘t be able to sit with it. Then we build on it.
1. My first exposure was just to simply write down my thoughts-even though that felt like it was making these disgusting, horrible, images and thoughts even more real.
2. My second exposure was to look at something red for a while and allow my thoughts to come.
{Allowing my thoughts to just be there instead of pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself has turned out to be the most difficult peice of all the exposures}.
I began by looking just as long as long as I could stand the anxiety. Then, as I pushed myself, I could look at red for longer periods of time . It seems like a simple task but It caused me so much anxiety!
3. Then I wrote my thoughts in red. And eventually posted them on my wall (DEFINITELY not something I wanted hanging there-but that way I could be exposing my self even more to the thoughts).
4. For my fourth exposure I started to wear red shoes AND allow my thoughts to just come rather than pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself with counting.
5. THEN… I BOUGHT A RED SWEATER TO WEAR! (Around the house)
6. This week I am starting to wear red
A L L. T H E. T I M E.
“Hey, It’s just a colour. I CAN look at it. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
Then I force myself to look at it.When I started wearing red my anxiety level would stay between 80/100-100/100.
Right Now: wearing my red shoes while there is no “dangerous” situations my distress level is only 20/100 and wearing the red sweater while I’m at home with no “dangerous” situations my distress can sit at just 50/100! {Just 2 weeks ago the lowest it would go is 70/100 after sitting for several hours with 85-95/100}.
I get so easily discouraged when I think about how far I still need to go to be in control of ODC but I really need to keep it in perspective. I have been living with ODC for 12 years and I have only been in this group for 9 weeks.
These 9 weeks are the only time in the 12 years that there has been improvement!*
Before this group started I would have said that ALL of the exposures I have now done were completely impossible but praise the Lord I’ve make it this far and that Never Once have I ever walked alone.
song by: Matt Redman-Never Once:
*See...I even used red font there!
Monday 7 October 2013
Don't Fit the Bill
“If I tell people…that makes me different …and not different in a cool way…but different in a oh-oh-mental-alert kind of way.” -My brain
It’s okay to admit you’re ‘crazy’ When you do something that’s a little different… but admitting that you have a mental health issue is completely different. Its not cool to admit that you get overly anxious about things that are everyday life for most people. My mental health issues make me feel ’crazy’ but I realize that there’s no hope to ending the mental health stigma if I’m not prepared to talk openly about my own experience.
I’m sure that most of us who have struggled with mental health issues want to end the stigma surrounding it but no one wants to be the first to stand up and admit that not everything is peachy-perfect in their life. It is difficult for me to share about the times I lose hope, because of the pressures and anxiety that OCD and depression cause. Common assumptions about OCD make it even harder to explain my OCD I because I feel like I ‘don’t fit the bill.’
OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) is often stereo-typed but not actually well understood by the majority of people, so there are worries about the judgements people will make out of ignorance. For example, I imagine that unless someone asks me directly about my OCD, they would assume I frequently wash my hands and check that the door is locked. Don’t get me wrong: these are common and destructive forms of OCD too, however, I do not struggle with these particular compulsions. Its scary and distressing for me to explain what goes on inside my head.
My OCD is different from the stereotypical obsessions and compulsions. I don’t frequently wash my hands, check that the stove is off or that the doors are locked, and I’m not a ’neat freak.’ I obsess that I am going to violently hurt somebody. I constantly live in a state of fear that I will loose control and act on these thoughts.
“Where do these thoughts even come from!? Christians can’t think these things! That thought is a sin! Now you’ve thought about stabbing someone…you’re going to do it! People say you won’t act on these thoughts but you will! You must count to distract yourself from these thoughts.
Never think about that again.” -My brain.
The never-ending torment these thoughts cause in my mind is too much to cope with; the anxiety caused is unbearable. My mind never stops running; I never have a second of real rest. Sometimes I even get so overwhelmed by my thoughts that the only way I think I can protect others from myself is to kill myself. Now, I do NOT want to die, I just feel as though if I hurt myself before I hurt someone else then everyone around me will be safe. I am so embarrassed about having these awful thoughts. They make me feel like I’m a murderer…a terrible person…disgusting…worthless…alone.
“For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Jesus
God is hearing every single prayer and he will heal me in his timing-whatever form healing may come in. I know it’s going to take many months of hard work but I can already see some small improvements. I know Gods hand in in this journey and he will carry me through it.
Monday 10 June 2013
NOT FOR A MOMENT
"Not for a moment, did you forsake me..." even on the hardest of days.
You were reaching through the storm
walking on the water
even when I could not see
in the middle of it all
when I thought You were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did You forsake me not for a moment did You forsake me
walking on the water
even when I could not see
in the middle of it all
when I thought You were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did You forsake me not for a moment did You forsake me
after all You are constant
after all You are only good
after all You are sovereign
not for a moment will You forsake me
not for a moment will You forsake me
after all You are only good
after all You are sovereign
not for a moment will You forsake me
not for a moment will You forsake me
You were singing in the dark
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
and every step every breath you are there
every tear every cry every prayer
in my heart at my worst
when my world falls down
not for a moment will You forsake me
every tear every cry every prayer
in my heart at my worst
when my world falls down
not for a moment will You forsake me
even in the dark
even when it’s hard
you will never leave me
after all
not for a moment will You forsake me
Saturday 25 May 2013
No Formula
There Is no formula for healing.What I mean is there is no ‘step one, step 2, and step 3’ for getting back to normal when you've found yourself in a difficult situation.
I like to have control and do things that have a step-by-step process and have a set outcome. Maybe that’s why I’ve always enjoyed school: the set schedule and being given specific instructions on how to do an assignment.
But life is not like a science exam. Life is not reading a book, answering questions and then memorizing all of the important facts so you can ace the test.
Life is not like a drawing. Life is not making a grid on a picture and copying it exactly box-by-box, erasing and re-drawing.
Life is not like a steady job. Life is not putting in 40 hours every week and receiving a pay cheque of the same amount every other Friday.
Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation my first instinct is to try and figure out how to fix it: “What can I do to end this difficulty?” “How can I make sure everything will be okay?” Lately I’ve been finding myself wishing I could make this situation all go away, or that I could just fast forward a few months so I can return to “normal.”
It’s frustrating for me to see a problem and try to fix it but then not get the results I was expecting. It’s hard when there isn’t exact steps to take to get better. Sometimes it feels like all I ever do is wait! I waited to see dr.s, I waited for tests, now to get better…I need to wait again. There are things I can do to get better, but there isn't that step-by-step process that I like.
There is no formula.
BUT there is a God-a God who calls us to not only trust Him but also to rejoice in ALL circumstances! Wherever we are, whatever were struggling with, whatever we’re waiting for: if we just turn to Him, He can use us right where we are! He is calling us to a greater purpose and He will use whatever you have to offer! Any talents, any passion, any past experiences, even our brokenness and imperfections! He has a purpose for you that only you can fulfill!
Have confidence today because God has chosen you and called you! He will show you how He wants to use you. When you’re broken, feeling worthless, experiencing setbacks, or just worn, remember that God is working behind the scenes. He will take what the enemy has meant for harm and turn it around for your good!
Even though there is no formula we can continue moving forward by just taking life one day at a time because you are chosen! God is equipping you to overcome every obstacle in this life.
He’s chosen you!
“You didn’t choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won’t spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.” {John 15:16}
To be honest, I have never liked the saying, “time heals.” Because time alone doesn’t heal our hearts; God heals our hearts. But I believe He heals in His own timing–a timing that is best for His children because it teaches us perseverance and builds our faith (see James 1:2-4), and it ultimately draws us closer to Him.
I love this song by John Waller, called “While I’m Waiting.” It’s a beautiful, simple message reminding us to praise God while we wait.
“I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord”
Saturday 11 May 2013
Healing: the UPS & the DOWNS
Setbacks are inevitable. I knew they would come. Although, I hoped that they wouldn’t, it’s part of the process. I had thought that everything would just settle down in a few weeks but now I’m realizing that it may take a little longer than I had anticipated... and that’s okay!
Maybe it’s because I am only looking at the road ahead and all the things I want to be doing but can’t-instead of looking at how far I’ve come. When I look back to where I was just a week and a half ago, that’s when I realize that I have made progress! Huge progress, actually! It’s just hard to see that when your in the midst of a bad day.
We have to remember that the struggle is part of the story. The nightmare we may be living—or have lived at some point—is something God can use to remind us of our need for Him. He can take our broken pieces and make them into something beautiful if we only trust Him.
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” {2 Corinthians 12:9-10}
I know because I am experiencing it. I am now only beginning to see the pieces come together. It may take days, or weeks, or months before I can see the other side. In the meantime: I know whose arms will never fail me, whose ears will never tire of my cries and whose shoulder I can always lean on.
This truth carries me through the things that seem beyond what I can possibly manage. With God’s strength and the encouragement from the people around me, Perseverance is possible!
Sometimes I will feel discouraged, but I can’t let that keep me down. It’s a process that will take time. Each time I get back up from a setback, I’ll grow stronger and move closer to the end goal.
Thank you to the many, MANY people who have been praying for me, encouraging me, and reading this blog (over 530 views in 2 weeks!). Please continue to pray for patience as we work towards healing, pray that God would open my eyes to the hidden stressors in my life, pray that I will be able to say no to the things I’m not ready for, and pray that I wont allow setbacks discourage me.
My body has been reacting to stress through seizures for 6 months; I can’t just expect my brain to suddenly just know how to stop! My teacher told me this good analogy:
“It’s like having a broken leg. You can’t just start to walk on it and expect it to be better just because you know it’s broken. It still needs time to heal.”
So, I can't just return to my life and expect everything to be normal. My brain still needs time to heal and adjust.
The journey can feel SO LONG and some days I just feel worn.
Maybe it’s because I am only looking at the road ahead and all the things I want to be doing but can’t-instead of looking at how far I’ve come. When I look back to where I was just a week and a half ago, that’s when I realize that I have made progress! Huge progress, actually! It’s just hard to see that when your in the midst of a bad day.
We have to remember that the struggle is part of the story. The nightmare we may be living—or have lived at some point—is something God can use to remind us of our need for Him. He can take our broken pieces and make them into something beautiful if we only trust Him.
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” {2 Corinthians 12:9-10}
I know because I am experiencing it. I am now only beginning to see the pieces come together. It may take days, or weeks, or months before I can see the other side. In the meantime: I know whose arms will never fail me, whose ears will never tire of my cries and whose shoulder I can always lean on.
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength." {Philippians 4:13}
This truth carries me through the things that seem beyond what I can possibly manage. With God’s strength and the encouragement from the people around me, Perseverance is possible!
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings; because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” {Rom. 5:3-5}
It doesn't matter what your challenge is, God has enough strength to help you conquer it. Nothing is too big for Him. Let Him strengthen you when and where you need it. With Him at your side, perseverance will come. Sometimes I will feel discouraged, but I can’t let that keep me down. It’s a process that will take time. Each time I get back up from a setback, I’ll grow stronger and move closer to the end goal.
Thank you to the many, MANY people who have been praying for me, encouraging me, and reading this blog (over 530 views in 2 weeks!). Please continue to pray for patience as we work towards healing, pray that God would open my eyes to the hidden stressors in my life, pray that I will be able to say no to the things I’m not ready for, and pray that I wont allow setbacks discourage me.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” {Joshua 1:9}
Saturday 4 May 2013
It Seemed Impossible
"As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength." (Psalm 138:3)
For anyone who doesn’t know: for the last 6 months. I have been experiencing an increasing number of unexplained seizures. We had many dr. appointments, tests, and ER visits to try and figure out why they were happening. This past weekend I was admitted to the epilepsy unit at the hospital to determine if my seizures were epileptic or non-epileptic.
Just before heading into London I prayed and asked God for 3 things:
For anyone who doesn’t know: for the last 6 months. I have been experiencing an increasing number of unexplained seizures. We had many dr. appointments, tests, and ER visits to try and figure out why they were happening. This past weekend I was admitted to the epilepsy unit at the hospital to determine if my seizures were epileptic or non-epileptic.
Just before heading into London I prayed and asked God for 3 things:
- That I wouldn’t need to stay in the hospital very long (even though we were told it would take 5-10 days).
- That I wouldn’t need to take medication.
- That I would just get better quickly and easily.
I was in the hospital for 3 days (didn't need to stay long: answer to prayer #1) when they had gathered up enough information from my VEEG to confirm a diagnosis. The official diagnosis is Non-epileptic Seizures. Basically, this means that at the time when the seizures started I probably had some stress built up in my life. Then, as I began to have more seizures I would become more stressed about why they were happening and as a result I would have more seizures. That became a vicious cycle with more stress building up after more seizures.
There is no set treatment for the seizures. Most peoples seizures stop right after they are diagnosed because an enormous weight is lifted off their shoulders once that they finally know what is happening to them! (healing quickly: answer to prayer #3)
We have been told that my seizures would stop within a few weeks just on their own! With no medication, no therapy…nothing! They will just stop! What an amazing answer to prayer(#2)!
The next step in recovery is learning how to recognize and manage stress better so that I can prevent future seizures. It may take a little time and work, but at least now we know what’s causing them and what we need to do.
Now, We can finally see the end of this journey! It will soon be over! Can you believe it!?
In Matthew 14, When Peter was starting to walk on the water towards Jesus, what made Him afraid? It was the same waves and wind as when he got out of the boat, but as the winds blew and the waves rose Peter took his eyes off Jesus. He stopped believing that Christ alone could keep him safe on the water.
Once you start to believe that Christ isn’t enough for your impossible situation, you begin to sink.
Nobody enjoys the thought of waiting on Gods perfect timing while we are going through a painful trial. Sometimes it can be so difficult to look at our seeming impossible situation and believe that God is still in control and working things out. Despite all the frustrations through the past 6 months, God has been showing himself to me and giving me little glimpses of hope throughout the whole journey, but as soon as we look to our own power and strength to overcome a struggle, we will never be enough.
If you are going through a situation that seems impossible to you, remember to keep your eyes focused on God. True peace comes from knowing God will never fail you, no matter how impossible your situation seems.
God doesn’t take any pleasure in watching his precious children struggle and wait, but through each of your struggles God will reveal more of himself to you.
Friday 26 April 2013
Anchored
Five months ago I thought I had everything figured out. I had been enjoying the past 10 months of my new-found independence and I was ready to step away from high school and venture into the world of work and college. I thought if I worked hard I would fulfil all of my plans, and all my dreams, then I would be successful. Life was busy, but I was right on schedule with where I wanted to be. Or so I thought.
I am not the author of my life, but sometimes I act like I am. No matter how much you plan, you dream, you hope…you cannot control your circumstances and you cannot completely plan out your future (proverbs 19:21). That’s because the unexpected can happen.
And when it does, it comes like a tidal wave, it shakes you down to your knees and flips your world upside down.
Lately, things haven’t been going the way I’ve planned but I have a choice: I could play the victim and use it as a convenient excuse not to do good things, or I could grasp God’s waiting hand and allow the wave to make me stronger.
I had already known that God was in control and all-powerful, but I had yet to feel His wonderful peace. Yes, in the middle of all of my seizures, memory problems, confusion, and appointments…I have peace. I have been learning how to lean on God as my anchor: trusting Him with all of my fears, my frustrations, and especially with all of the unknowns.
The past year and a half have changed me. I’ve had both: the best days of my life and the worst, but I don’t think I would change it. The things going on in my brain really do just stink to go through and deal with, but I have hope, and I believe that God has an amazing plan for my life and the problems I’m going through right now are a part of that plan. I will just hold on to my anchor until the waves have passed.
I am not the author of my life, but sometimes I act like I am. No matter how much you plan, you dream, you hope…you cannot control your circumstances and you cannot completely plan out your future (proverbs 19:21). That’s because the unexpected can happen.
The unexpected DOES happen.
And when it does, it comes like a tidal wave, it shakes you down to your knees and flips your world upside down.
Lately, things haven’t been going the way I’ve planned but I have a choice: I could play the victim and use it as a convenient excuse not to do good things, or I could grasp God’s waiting hand and allow the wave to make me stronger.
I had already known that God was in control and all-powerful, but I had yet to feel His wonderful peace. Yes, in the middle of all of my seizures, memory problems, confusion, and appointments…I have peace. I have been learning how to lean on God as my anchor: trusting Him with all of my fears, my frustrations, and especially with all of the unknowns.
I don’t know what the future holds, or even what tomorrow will bring but I do know that God is working all things together for my good (Romans 8:28). He has a master plan for my life. There may be things I don’t understand right now, but I’m not worried. I know all the pieces aren't there yet but one day it will all come together and everything will make sense. Someday I will see God’s amazing plan taking me places I never dreamed!
No matter how long it takes, when God works: it is always worth the wait.
The past year and a half have changed me. I’ve had both: the best days of my life and the worst, but I don’t think I would change it. The things going on in my brain really do just stink to go through and deal with, but I have hope, and I believe that God has an amazing plan for my life and the problems I’m going through right now are a part of that plan. I will just hold on to my anchor until the waves have passed.
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