Held by Invisible Hands

Dear God,

I don't understand why you've placed me on this journey. Don't you see that it's too hard for me? Do you see me? Do you care? Where are you? Why aren't you helping me? How long will you leave me here struggling just to breathe? I'm drowning in pain; I weep all night long. My cheeks are stained with tears. How long must I wrestle with these thoughts and live with this sorrow in my heart? I've built up all these tall walls around me to keep everyone at a safe distance but I'm lonely, Lord. Heal me because I cannot go one more step. I am faint; my mind is in agony; all night long my soul is in anguish. I'm worn out from all my anxieties. How long, O Lord, how long?
Sincerely, The Hurt and Broken

Dear the Hurt and Broken,

I have heard your weeping. I keep track of all your sorrows. I have collected all your tears in my bottle. I have recorded each one in my book. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time for war and a time for peace. There is time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven. My timing is perfect for I know what I am doing. Although this season hurts, I have a plan for your life, trust me. Do not give up this fight because I know the outcome. I have already won the Victory. Daughter, I love you so much.
Sincerely, God

Dear God,

I'm sorry that I ever doubted you. I know that you are perfect and holy. I'm so grateful that you hear every tear that falls and answer every request. Help me to take hold of my faith and hang on no matter what the storms of tomorrow bring. Right now hope is dangled in the winds of uncertainty. I don't struggle with whether you will deliver on your promise to make something beautiful from the shattered remains of my life-I just wonder when. I thank you that I have recovered enough to believe that things will get better...somehow...someway. And maybe, just maybe, you're not finished with me yet. Please help me to survive until the next chapter of my life.
Sincerely, your Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Remember that I am holding you with invisible hands. Don't worry about the rest.

Sincerely, God

How You Should Not Help Me

My last post was about how to help me and what to say so I thought there should also be a post about things NOT to say to someone who is struggling with a mental illness. So many people want to help me but aren't exactly sure how...so instead they chat away and tell me about what helped their "Great-Aunts-Cousins'-Sister-in-law" when they were depressed 25 years ago...I'm sorry, but what helped you or your friend may not work for me, and quite honestly, I don't really want to hear about it. Here are some examples of what NOT to say to someone struggling with an mental illness:

DON'T SAY:

Have you tried....(I get this one a lot)
Do you have any unresolved sin in your life?
There's always someone worse off than you
No one said life was fair
Don't feel sorry for yourself
Everyone gets depressed
Get over it
Just think positive
It's your own fault
Believe me, i know how it feels. I was depressed once (for several days) and I just ___ and then I was fine!
Snap out of it
You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
You’d feel better if you got off all those pills
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger
Go out and have some fun
I know how you feel

All of these statements show that you don't know what your talking about. Most people don't understand....and that's really ok! I would prefer it to be awkwardly quiet than hear one of these phrases. Try inserting some of these 


Hey, diabetic, you'd feel better if you came off those meds.
Hey, paraplegic, so you can't use your legs, we create our own reality.
Hey, person who has MS, I know how you feel.

You get the idea. These sound completely unreasonable, and it’s no more reasonable to say to someone struggling with mental illness

I do understand that people don’t know they are being hurtful. People are trying to help. I get it. But here’s the thing, my illness is just as real as anyone else’s. Please stop forcing me to convince you.

And a Personal Update:

I've been back in the hospital for the past 3 months. We are waiting to get an OCD assessment in Toronto to see if they can offer me the OCD treatment that I need and I'm also meeting with a research team. If they decide that they can't help me there than we will start filling out info to head to Boston's OCD program. Please pray that we can have the assessment soon so I can finally get good treatment that I desperately need!  

REPOST: Dear Hurting Friend (Saturday, 22 February 2014)

To my dear hurting friend,

Are you struggling? Are you worn out and tired? Do you feel like you are about to give up? Then hold on! Be strong! Hope is coming for you! If you have made it this far than you are a fighter!

I know what it feels like to think you're drowning and believe you're not going to make it to the other side of your mountain. I know what it feels like to reach your breaking point. You say you "can't do this anymore." You feel as if life is too much for you to handle and you would rather just die so you can be with Jesus. You feel like your life is out of control. You think you've gone too far. You've even convinced yourself that God could never love you. I've been there...actually I'm still recovering from that place. I know you will struggle to believe these next words but I promise you, with all I have in me, that these are all words of truth!

It's a daily battle for me to believe the things I know to be true. Somedays I win; somedays I loose, but thank God the final battle has already been won! We have victory in Christ! One day (in God's timing) Christ will bring us to the place where he will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more pain, sorrow, crying, or death. What a wonderful truth!

This trial that you're going through is not the last word! God has written the final chapter and it is about fulfillment and eternal joy for those who love him. Eternity with God will be more amazing than we could ever imagine! Hearing about how awesome heaven will be makes me feel so impatient...I long to be "home" with Jesus NOW...but that is not His plan. God's plan and God's timing are perfect. He has a purpose for you-an amazing plan that ONLY YOU could fulfill-before he calls you home. 

"He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be My son[daughter]." ~Revelation 21:7

The people who overcome "stand firm to the end." Following Christ requires boldness and bravery to stand for him through these difficult trials. Yes, He is carrying us (especially when we don't "feel" him) but we must do our part to walk with Christ with all the strength we can muster up. THEN, on the days we are too weak we must cling to His promises with every last ounce of strength we can find. On our darkest days when we barely have the strength to call out his name we can merely whisper his name and He will hear us. Sooner or later life turns upside down for everyone. When life gets hard the road to recovery may not be painless. It may not be quick but God is going to use this struggle for good...trust Him.

Your friend, Summer 

REPOST: Not That Different (Tuesday, 29 April 2014)

Hello, my name is summer. I am 19 years old. I have blonde hair. I have a great family. I love art and I have a mental illness.

It's hard for me to separate who I am from my illness so I'm sure it must be extremely difficult for other people to separate. Some people almost take a step back from someone who has a mental illness. Maybe it's because they "don't understand it", they think they "can't relate to it" or maybe it's because they can't separate the person who has the illness from the illness itself. I think we do this because we can't physically see mental illnesses; it's not like having a broken leg which we can clearly see and understand. 

The funny thing is we can all relate to it! How many times have you imagined a really bad senario in your head about something-a test, a meeting, or a date? You pictured the worst and got in a panic about it then it actually turned out fine. How many times have you been so down that you just wanted to stay in bed all day? How many times have you gotten worried because you couldn't remember if you actually locked the door? We all go through these experiences...just some of us go through them daily. If we look at the stigmas attached to mental illness, we see that we can all relate to them. They're not so scary and weird now, are they?

But what about the people who have these experiences everyday? What about the people who can't live their lives because of them? Why can't they just stop worrying about things? Why can't they just find some motivation? Why do some people have these experiences everyday while others can just dismiss them?

It's because having these experiences to the extreme is an illness. There is a neurochemical imbalance that makes it nearly impossible for these people to prevent these experiences. These people cannot "just get over it" on their own because they have no control over them.

We are not all that different from each other.

REPOST: I HAVE OCD...SO NOW WHAT? (Saturday, 9 November 2013)

Saturday, 9 November 2013In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.

In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.

OCD makes up all these “rules” that become mental compulsions. (If a person has contamination obsessions, they compulsively wash their hands as a reaction to the contamination thought.) In reaction to my violent obsessions I repeatedly count by 3’s up to 33 to neutralize the thoughts, distract myself, or suppress the thoughts. Also, in reaction to my thoughts I have given the colour red ‘special power.’ I avoid the colour red as often as possible-I don‘t look at it and I don’t touch or use-anything red because I am afraid that the colour will make me lose control. I also have‘superstitious compulsions.’ I am afraid that stepping on vertical lines will make me loose control and make me act on one of my thoughts. I know that these things are ridiculous! But at the same time, I just cannot bring myself to do (or not do) these silly actions. That’s Just how OCD works. 

So how do I recover from OCD?

My treatment for OCD involves medication to help with the strong anxiety (& depression) and alsocognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a way of re-training my brain and body. The compulsions are so strongly engraved in my mind that they are just automatic! Sometimes I don’t even realize I am counting! 

On Tuesdays my CBT group learns about OCD and the cognitive part of therapy. The cognitive part of therapy focuses on the mind and the thought processes. On Fridays my CBT group does“exposures” which focus on challenging behaviours. When I say “exposures” I mean exposing myself to the things I am really afraid of or exposing myself to the extremely high anxiety that comes from not doing a compulsion. Now, that Is the really hard part because it‘s the exact opposite of what OCD is telling me to do! (And may I add… OCD is preeeetty convincing…) 

For example, I have a fear of my thoughts and feel that the colour red will make me lose control and act on my thoughts. That is why I don’t look at red, touch red, and or wear red…and certainly not do any of these things while having terrible thoughts. So, to help get rid of that fear I need to expose myself to both red & my thoughts. 

We start out with "easy" [quotations because it's not really easy at all...just the most 'do-able'] exposures-things that cause me anxiety but not so much anxiety that I wouldn‘t be able to sit with it. Then we build on it. 

1. My first exposure was just to simply write down my thoughts-even though that felt like it was making these disgusting, horrible, images and thoughts even more real. 

2. My second exposure was to look at something red for a while and allow my thoughts to come.

{Allowing my thoughts to just be there instead of pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself has turned out to be the most difficult peice of all the exposures}. 

I began by looking just as long as long as I could stand the anxiety. Then, as I pushed myself, I could look at red for longer periods of time . It seems like a simple task but It caused me so much anxiety! 

3. Then I wrote my thoughts in red. And eventually posted them on my wall (DEFINITELY not something I wanted hanging there-but that way I could be exposing my self even more to the thoughts).

4. For my fourth exposure I started to wear red shoes AND allow my thoughts to just come rather than pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself with counting.

5. THEN… I BOUGHT A RED SWEATER TO WEAR! (Around the house)

6. This week I am starting to wear red 

A L L. T H E. T I M E.

Right Now: sometimes I can look at red things without even thinking about it!! Other times I am still able to easily challenge myself when | automatically look away. I catch myself looking away and I can say to myself,

“Hey, It’s just a colour. I CAN look at it. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

Then I force myself to look at it.

When I started wearing red my anxiety level would stay between 80/100-100/100.
Right Now: wearing my red shoes while there is no “dangerous” situations my distress level is only 20/100 and wearing the red sweater while I’m at home with no “dangerous” situations my distress can sit at just 50/100! {Just 2 weeks ago the lowest it would go is 70/100 after sitting for several hours with 85-95/100}.

I get so easily discouraged when I think about how far I still need to go to be in control of ODC but I really need to keep it in perspective. I have been living with ODC for 12 years and I have only been in this group for 9 weeks. 

These 9 weeks are the only time in the 12 years that there has been improvement!*

 Before this group started I would have said that ALL of the exposures I have now done were completely impossible but praise the Lord I’ve make it this far and that Never Once have I ever walked alone.

REPOST: Don't Fit the Bill (Monday, 7 October 2013)

“If I tell people…that makes me different …and not different in a cool way…but different in a oh-oh-mental-alert kind of way.” -My brain

It’s okay to admit you’re ‘crazy’ When you do something that’s a little different… but admitting that you have a mental health issue is completely different. Its not cool to admit that you get overly anxious about things that are everyday life for most people. My mental health issues make me feel ’crazy’ but I realize that there’s no hope to ending the mental health stigma if I’m not prepared to talk openly about my own experience.

I’m sure that most of us who have struggled with mental health issues want to end the stigma surrounding it but no one wants to be the first to stand up and admit that not everything is peachy-perfect in their life. It is difficult for me to share about the times I lose hope, because of the pressures and anxiety that OCD and depression cause. Common assumptions about OCD make it even harder to explain my OCD I because I feel like I ‘don’t fit the bill.’ 

OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) is often stereo-typed but not actually well understood by the majority of people, so there are worries about the judgements people will make out of ignorance. For example, I imagine that unless someone asks me directly about my OCD, they would assume I frequently wash my hands and check that the door is locked. Don’t get me wrong: these are common and destructive forms of OCD too, however, I do not struggle with these particular compulsions. Its scary and distressing for me to explain what goes on inside my head.

My OCD is different from the stereotypical obsessions and compulsions. I don’t frequently wash my hands, check that the stove is off or that the doors are locked, and I’m not a ’neat freak.’ I obsess that I am going to violently hurt somebody. I constantly live in a state of fear that I will loose control and act on these thoughts.

“Where do these thoughts even come from!? Christians can’t think these things! That thought is a sin! Now you’ve thought about stabbing someone…you’re going to do it! People say you won’t act on these thoughts but you will! You must count to distract yourself from these thoughts.

Never think about that again.” -My brain.

The never-ending torment these thoughts cause in my mind is too much to cope with; the anxiety caused is unbearable. My mind never stops running; I never have a second of real rest. Sometimes I even get so overwhelmed by my thoughts that the only way I think I can protect others from myself is to kill myself. Now, I do NOT want to die, I just feel as though if I hurt myself before I hurt someone else then everyone around me will be safe. I am so embarrassed about having these awful thoughts. They make me feel like I’m a murderer…a terrible person…disgusting…worthless…alone.

“For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mothers womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14

These thoughts are both physically and emotionally DRAINING. I’m not sure I will make it through…but thankfully God has a plan. God is going to give me the extra strength when I need it…and when I have absolutely NONE left he will carry me through. When I’m ready to give up in the middle of one of my therapy sessions: God is right beside me cheering me on even when-especially when-I don’t feel it. I’m learning not to trust how I feel because OCD and Satan give us wrong ‘feelings’ the signals get mixed up and we end up back at the bottom. We have God on our side fighting the battle that he’s already won for us!

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Jesus

God is hearing every single prayer and he will heal me in his timing-whatever form healing may come in. I know it’s going to take many months of hard work but I can already see some small improvements. I know Gods hand in in this journey and he will carry me through it.

REPOST: The Secret Battles (Monday, 7 October 2013)

This topic can stir up a lot of different emotions. Some people may laugh but others may be able to relate. I hope I can help some people to gain a new understanding of this topic. This topic is mental illness (MI). As I write this I am currently still struggling with my mental illness (OCD-depression-anxiety-non-epileptic seizures…how ever you want to label it), however, I want to be able to use my struggle to encourage other people who may be dealing with something similar and help my family and friends understand what I’m going through. That is why I have decided to get back into blogging. 

Being a Christian certainly does not make us immune to MI, but Christians may be less likely to admit to struggling mentally. /some Christians can be very uptight about these kinds of things. “We can’t possibly have depression because we have Jesus as our savior!” I have even read that Christians ought not be depressed because it is a bad witness to the gospel, but lets face it…we all struggle from time to time!

Medical professionals now recognize MI’s as ILLNESSES. Now, I definitely agree with this, but I also believe that Satan is allowed to test us too. Even some of the greatest men in the bible had fears and struggles! I believe that Job, David, Paul, and even Jonah were depressed at some point. The psalms are full of David’s struggles-but also full of encouragement and help! (For example, refer to previous post for Psalm 13)

Over the past year I have experienced fears and emotions like never before. Sometimes, I just want to run away and hide…but I know that wont help me move forward and wont help me in the long run.

I’ve always viewed myself as an “in control” person. No matter what life threw at me I appeared to take it in stride, even though for 11 years I also delt with very scary tormenting thoughts. They were way too scary and “crazy” to talk to anyone about. So, for 11 years I never spoke of them…I never even wrote about them!

Then, in November 2012 I began to have non-epileptic seizures-a result of stress and anxiety. No body else could see any signs of stress or anxiety in my life…not even my councillor. I kept these thoughts to locked up inside that I couldn’t even bring myself to even think about disclosing my thoughts to anyone. So I continued to struggle with these seizures with ‘no real cause’ until June 2013.

On thst day I was feeling like I was totally ready to give up. My crazy thoughts running through my head were getting to be way too much. At the same time my mother was really digging to find the cause of my anxiety. So then, at our kitchen table, I began to spill out all my secrets that had been eating away at my soul for 11 years.

Opening up about my secrets provided me with some relief….but it also created so much more anxiety. I began to fear, now that everyone knew my thoughts, that people would judge me based on my thoughts. Although I still struggle to believe it, I have since learned that this is not the truth. My family and friends still loved me with my crazy intrusive thoughts.

Even with the OCD diagnosis and feeling accepted and supported…for some reason my thoughts and compulsions still spiralled out of control. Even with medication to help, I became so distressed over my near-constant intrusive thoughts that I began to have suicidal thoughts and did self harm as “disciplinary” acts. These were things I had no control over…and still have no control over. I’m still struggling and even writing this from my bed in the mental health unit of the hospital. I’m still severely distressed by my thoughts. I’m hurting and this journey is quite literally a fight for my life. 

I want to encourage anyone who may be dealing with any kind of MI or anyone who is just feeling a little down: this will NOT be forever and your fighting here on earth is not going unnoticed. God seed you hurting right now and he can give you hope and comfort if you allow him. He will give you the strength you need for each moment. 1 in every 4 people deal with a MI…so you are NOT ALONE in this battle. There is medical help for MI’s with medications and treatment which can work well (especially when aided with scripture and lessons the Lord teaches you!)

Have you ever heard the saying “You travel in the direction you’re looking”? I completely agree with this, that if you are continually looking down you will travel in that direction…but doing the opposite is easier said than done. There are times when no matter how hard I try focusing on scriptures or singing worship/praise to the Lord, that the darkness continues to consume me; suffocating me. These are the moments I believe the Lord uses the people around you to carry you. I am so fortunate to have such loving and supportive family and friends who are there for me when I need them, who I know will pray for me, and be available for me to text/call when I need to. 

We all have times when we need the support of others and it’s important to have safe places to go when it all gets too much. 

One thing I know for sure: even in the midst of this darkness, the Lord is here with me. It’s only when I have these moments of clarity that I can see this. 

Hold on to Gods promises. Keep looking up and keep going, I am.

Fall Update 2014

There is so much going on in my life that I don’t even know where to begin this update. I’ve been back in the hospital for just over 2 months now because I needed some help learning to manage my dissociative episodes(times where it’s as if I'm running on auto pilot-and not thinking clearly). I've learned some tricks and skills that I have been using to help me to manage these episodes. So the episodes have gotten somewhat better but I still can’t catch EVERY episode before it gets too severe. Like thursday, for example, I went outside to go for a short walk (by myself) like I had been doing frequently throughout the past few days. I thought everything was going smoothly but then all of a sudden I was on the train tracks in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no recollection of how I got there! I called my mom in a panic and after a little while we did some apple technology stuff that helped the police find where I was! I know so many of my friends and family were praying and helping search for me…so thank you all so much, our prayers are being heard.

I also got my service dog, Zoë, in May! She has been wonderful!! She is learning so much (still lots of training to go though…)Not only is she incredibly smart…she’s also incredibly adorable and I just love her to pieces. Welcome to Team Schyff, Zoë!

Treatment-wise we are waiting to go to Toronto to meet with an OCD treatment team. This team will evaluate my OCD symptoms and decide if they think they would be able to help me there or if a hospital like Boston would be better suited to my needs.

THIS WEEK IS OCD AWARENESS WEEK!! each day I will be re-posting older posts that are more informative on OCD, Share these posts with all your friends and family!!

A friends Journey

This is a post by one of my beautiful friends. This is her story. She has chosen to write anonymously but I would love to pass on messages of encouragment to her!

Mental illness. It’s something that has been popping up in the news in the last few years-teen suicides, bed shortages, criminal trials, just to name a few. It is estimated that 20% of Canadians will experience a mental illness at some point in their life. That’s 1 in 5 people. If you don’t personally have an illness, it is likely that someone close to you is struggling, whether you know it or not. Mental illness is not like most physical illnesses. Most of the time you can’t see it. And many individuals hide their battle due to the stigma that still surrounds mental health today. 

I, like many others, became quite skilled at hiding my illness. I’ve had people tell me that I have a “perfect” life. And superficially I did-I had a handful of friends, a loving family, was doing well in school, was athletic, etc. But nobody knew what was going on under the surface. To be honest, I didn’t even know what was happening until my depression was overwhelming.

Eventually I did seek treatment. However, with every medication they gave to me, the worse I got. And no amount of cognitive therapy made any difference.  After several visits to the ER I was finally admitted to the hospital to keep me safe. I stayed for over 6 months, and spent almost 2 months on “constant observation”. That meant a nurse stayed by my side 24/7-into the bathroom, the shower, everywhere. After I’d been in hospital a few months I started ECT. Basically they put me to sleep three times a week and then applied electricity to my brain to induce a seizure. It’s about as fun as it sounds.  But after a few weeks something completely unexpected (for me) happened-I started to feel better. 

I’ve since been discharged from the hospital but it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. My mental illness is still there. It’s not like an infection that goes away completely after a week of antibiotics. My antidepressants help, but they don’t remove my depression. 

Having depression sucks. Depression is not just being “sad”. It’s a feeling of such complete despair and hopelessness that suicide becomes an option-an enticing one too.  It turned my life (and my family’s/friends’) upside down. I was supposed to graduate a few weeks ago, but that didn’t happen.  I had to quit my job.  Several of my friends walked away.  And I felt like God was a million miles away. It is so hard to believe that God is still there and that He still cares when you cannot feel His presence or comfort. 

The most important thing that I have learned so far in my journey is that feelings are not facts. And to be honest, most of the time my feelings are the complete opposite of the truth. Just because you can’t feel God does not mean He is not there. Just because you feel like things are out of control does not mean that God is not carrying out his perfect plan for you. You are not useless, unimportant, unsavable, worthless, or unlovable. It is so easy to fall into believing these false truths simply because your mind tells you they are true.

Stop listening to what your brain is telling you and listen instead to what God has to say. God made you and says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  You aren’t just a clump of cells that somehow managed to form a human being.  Furthermore, God loves you. He loves you so much that He died for you. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done or what has happened to you-the cross was enough.  “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23-24).  If you have accepted Christ as your Saviour, God “remembers your sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12) and you can approach Him with confidence, knowing that because of Jesus you are blameless in His sight (Hebrews 4:14-16, Hebrews 10:19-23).  Finally, you have a purpose.  God has a perfect plan for your life.  A plan that will bring you closer to Him and help others that cross your path in their own spiritual journey.  “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 2911).  It’s hard to believe that sometimes.  The Bible tells us “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).  Mental illness does not feel good at all.  And it’s hard to see how something so painful for so many people can possibly be good.  But God has a plan.  He knows exactly what He’s doing and how this is going to turn out.  

You can’t let your feelings dictate your life.  I know they are there and they are intense and very convincing.  They appear to be the truth.  But they are not.  You can’t control them or make them go away, but you can choose to not let them control you.  It’s not easy (nowhere close actually) but with God it is possible.  Ask Him to help you distinguish between facts and feelings.  Write verses on cue cards and plaster them where you will see them frequently.  Read your Bible.  Have a few people you trust that can gently and lovingly tell you when you are believing your feelings and direct you to the truth. 

Not once does God ever promise that our lives will be easy.  In fact, He often tells us the opposite.  However, He does promise that He will be there beside you constantly (Deut. 31:6).  Even when you can’t feel Him.  Especially when you can’t feel Him (Psalm 34:18).  He also promises that in the end, He will win (John 16:33).  Today it may feel like you’re losing the battle.  But God will win the war.  He will destroy evil, and the pain of this sinful world will be erased.  Keep fighting- God’s got this.

How May I Help You?

We all find ourselves in situations where we feel we have no control, where we feel hopeless and alone. Maybe you're suddenly without a job, lost in a stormy dark night, your relationship or marriage is spiralling out of control, your child shows you no respect, or a sickness or death leaves you breathless and now you feel your friends distancing themselves from you because they don't know what to say or do. What would you like people to do for you if you were in one of these situations?

Most likely you would want them to do for you as I would want you to do for me. When you know I am cutting to try and stop the pain, when I'm running away from fear, when I am hearing illogical voices in my head that are constantly telling me untruths, or when you see me crouching in a corner, alone and inclosed by an inescapable sadness, please:

Take my hand and lift me up.

Show me compassion, not pity or disgust.

Tell me, retell me, assure me, that I am a woman of worth and significance.

Show me you love me with an unconditional love (Don't just tell me!).

Show me grace.

Treat me as you would a "normal" person-because I am.

Invite me to be-and accept me as-your true friend.

Give me a shoulder to cry on.

Don't abandon me.

Don't be afraid to talk with me. I can share what I am comfortable with (some days will be different than others).

Try and understand me (all I ask is that you try).

Be honest and tell me what you're thinking.

Don't try and be my psychologist-leave that to the experts.

Pray for me and with me-only God is my complete healer!

Read/message me the truths of God's word to me-I need to be reminded often.




(SAY)

I'm here for you

You're not alone in this

You are important to me

Do you want a hug? (please ask because somedays it may make things worse)

When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you

I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I am here to listen and support you

I'm not going to leave or abandon you

You're not crazy

I love you (only if you mean it)

It sucks that you're in so much pain

I'm not going to leave you; I'm going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me

What can I do to help?

This must be very hard for you

I'm here for you; I'll always be here

You are amazing, strong, and beautiful

You'll get through this

You never have to apologize for your illness or feeling this way

I'm not scared of you


These statements show that you recognize that 
I am in pain, that you don't understand, and that you will be there for me anyways.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is give me a little escape from my mind. Distract me with something fun and leave my illness aside for a while. I love to have fun but sometimes my illness gets in the way. 

 I know I have significance in God's sight. I know I am loved by him and that gives me a sense of purpose, hope, peace, and comfort that no one will ever experience unless you know Jesus Christ personally...but would it ever feel great if I could feel that, and hear that from you as well. I know it would speed my recovery and it would give you a sense that God is using you to heal me.

Thank you to my wonderful Papa, Jim Johnston, for helping me with this post! I love you!

"Conceal; Don't Feel"

I watched Frozen again the other night and both times I watched it I couldn't help but notice the similarities to my life with MI (mental illness). Could Disney be speaking of the dangers of stigmatizing MI and the power that love and acceptance has in recovery? Honestly, I don't know...but the similarities were too much for me to pass up.

Elsa, one of the main characters in the film, has a "condition" that is strongly linked to her emotions. She has explosions of ice from her hands that she cannot control. With my mental illness I have emotions and actions that, at times, I cannot control.

When Elsa is little she accidentally hurts her sister, Anna, with her powers. I know there have been times where I have hurt other people when I've done things I didn't mean to do.

Elsa and her parents become afraid that Elsa will become completely uncontrollable. They chose to shield everyone from her powers by keeping them a secret. They give her gloves to control her ice powers. My family and I are big believers in raising awareness for MI but there still has been times when the stigma has seeped into our minds. My family has never asked me to keep my illness a secret though, and they are completely supportive of this blog. Unfortunately, this is not the case for many children and teens. Many people go undiagnosed because they are afraid to have something "wrong" with them, or if they are diagnosed, it's kept low key.

"Conceal; don't feel" became Elsa's motto. I could write a whole blog about trying to "control" my illness in a society that doesn't understand it.

Elsa learns to shut everyone out of her life, even the people who desperately wanted to connect with her. I can't even count how many times I've felt so unloveable and ashamed that i locked myself away from the people who care about me. To everyone who's been trying to love me: you deserve a medal.

In the movie, Elsa has an embarrassing public outburst which causes some confusion and even some harsh criticism. One man repeatedly calls her a monster and tries to convince everyone that she is unfit to rule the kingdom.  I'm not sure if this is a negative or positive that I can't remember most of what happens during a psychotic episode. Even though I can't remember, I still feel so embarrassed for doing such silly things that I wouldn't do in my right state of mind. At one point, Satan even had me convinced that I am unforgivable and that I would never make it to heaven.

Elsa runs away to the mountains by herself where she slowly learns to accept and even find beauty in her "condition." The lyrics to the song Let it Go (It's not just some little catchy song!) are so relatable to my life with MI! The song talks about holding everything inside because of shame, then "letting go" of it all, not letting the things that make you different hold you captive.

In the end, love is what restores Elsa, Anna, and their kingdom back to order. It is that love that inspires the entire kingdom to accept & embrace Elsa's powers. I know that I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for the power of unconditional love and support from my family, friends, and God.

Stigma keeps us silent.

Stigma keeps us away from others.

Stigma banishes us to the outskirts of society.

But love and acceptance can heal.

In order to teach the mentally ill how to love themselves; we must first learn how to love them.

It starts with the conversation. Lets talk!

(That is, if you can get Let it Go out of your head for a minute. ;)

Not That Different

Hello, my name is summer. I am 19 years old. I have blonde hair. I have a great family. I love art and I have a mental illness.

It's hard for me to separate who I am from my illness so I'm sure it must be extremely difficult for other people to separate. Some people almost take a step back from someone who has a mental illness. Maybe it's because they "don't understand it", they think they "can't relate to it" or maybe it's because they can't separate the person who has the illness from the illness itself. I think we do this because we can't physically see mental illnesses; it's not like having a broken leg which we can clearly see and understand. 

The funny thing is we can all relate to it! How many times have you imagined a really bad senario in your head about something-a test, a meeting, or a date? You pictured the worst and got in a panic about it then it actually turned out fine. How many times have you been so down that you just wanted to stay in bed all day? How many times have you gotten worried because you couldn't remember if you actually locked the door? We all go through these experiences...just some of us go through them daily. If we look at the stigmas attached to mental illness, we see that we can all relate to them. They're not so scary and weird now, are they?

But what about the people who have these experiences everyday? What about the people who can't live their lives because of them? Why can't they just stop worrying about things? Why can't they just find some motivation? Why do some people have these experiences everyday while others can just dismiss them?

It's because having these experiences to the extreme is an illness. There is a neurochemical imbalance that makes it nearly impossible for these people to prevent these experiences. These people cannot "just get over it" on their own because they have no control over them.

We are not all that different from each other.

Dear Hurting Friend

To my dear hurting friend,

Are you struggling? Are you worn out and tired? Do you feel like you are about to give up? Then hold on! Be strong! Hope is coming for you! If you have made it this far than you are a fighter!

I know what it feels like to think you're drowning and believe you're not going to make it to the other side of your mountain. I know what it feels like to reach your breaking point. You say you "can't do this anymore." You feel as if life is too much for you to handle and you would rather just die so you can be with Jesus. You feel like your life is out of control. You think you've gone too far. You've even convinced yourself that God could never love you. I've been there...actually I'm still recovering from that place. I know you will struggle to believe these next words but I promise you, with all I have in me, that these are all words of truth!

It's a daily battle for me to believe the things I know to be true. Somedays I win; somedays I loose, but thank God the final battle has already been won! We have victory in Christ! One day (in God's timing) Christ will bring us to the place where he will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more pain, sorrow, crying, or death. What a wonderful truth!

This trial that you're going through is not the last word! God has written the final chapter and it is about fulfillment and eternal joy for those who love him. Eternity with God will be more amazing than we could ever imagine! Hearing about how awesome heaven will be makes me feel so impatient...I long to be "home" with Jesus NOW...but that is not His plan. God's plan and God's timing are perfect. He has a purpose for you-an amazing plan that ONLY YOU could fulfill-before he calls you home. 

"He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be My son [daughter]." ~Revelation 21:7

The people who overcome "stand firm to the end." Following Christ requires boldness and bravery to stand for him through these difficult trials. Yes, He is carrying us (especially when we don't "feel" him) but we must do our part to walk with Christ with all the strength we can muster up. THEN, on the days we are too weak we must cling to His promises with every last ounce of strength we can find. On our darkest days when we barely have the strength to call out his name we can merely whisper his name and He will hear us. Sooner or later life turns upside down for everyone. When life gets hard the road to recovery may not be painless. It may not be quick but God is going to use this struggle for good...trust Him.

Your friend, Summer 

Winter Update

~Waves ~  Therapeutic Doodling

Once again, its been a really long time since I've updated my blog. *sigh* There has been so much going on in my head that it's been difficult to put my thoughts all together so that they make sense. I've been back in the hospital for the last two months. Once again I have been letting the MI (mental Illness) stigma get in the way of me wanting to be open and honest about my story on here.  BUT-right now I'm going to set that aside because if I don't talk about this than who will..?

Our bodies can do some pretty insane things when we are under extreme amounts of stress. I think my body likes to find the most unique ways to express my stress. The most recent way is through psychosis. I've been so nervous about sharing this diagnosis because I feel as though people will automatically throw the "crazy" label on me as soon as they hear "psychosis."

The psychosis is caused by extreme stress and the psychosis causes extreme fear, anxiety, and paranoia. I've learned that I "compartmentalize" things in my mind to organize my life. It's as if I have a box in my mind for my emotions and a separate box for my thinking. When I access my "emotions box" the emotions take over and I loose my ability to think clearly. When this happens, there is a quick 'switch' in which the emotions begin to send messages to my brain saying "Go!" "Quick, get out of here!" "It's not safe!" My automatic reaction is to run away! I've even managed to escape from the locked unit of the hospital several times. I don't mean to do this and although I really want to go home I still do not want to run away. Right now I am unable to recognize this 'switch' that happens in my mind, therefore, I am unable to control my automatic reactions.

Right now my therapy consists of learning different ways to recognize what my body is telling me and recognizing when my body makes that 'switch'. If/when I do recognize that my body may be telling me that I'm stressed then I am supposed to use a "grounding technique". Grounding Techniques are anything that activate the senses such as holding cold ice, lighting & smelling a candle, petting an animal, listening to calm or very exciting music. 

This is a difficult part of recovery. I feel like so much of this stage of recovery is on me: things I need to learn and trial and error of new strategies - figuring out which ones will work for me. One of the coping tools I have been looking into is a service dog! I'm pretty excited about this. It would give me something to work towards and look forward to. Another coping strategy I have been using is little cards that my mom printed out for me that talk about our identity in Christ with verses on the back. 

You can find the cards here: 

http://www.proprofs.com/flashcards/cardshowall.php?title=who-i-am-in-christ-verses

Over the past week my new anti-psychotic medication has been working! This is a HUGE improvement! It has made such a difference! Please pray for continued healing, and wisdom for my doctors. Pray that I will stay strong in my faith and cling to my true identity in Christ and just let the devils words just pass  me by.  Please pray that the process of getting the service dog would move along quickly. Thank you for all your prayers and support!