I was asking myself "what's wrong with me?" Why do I always have such awful thoughts? Then, in that moment, my brain chatter went completely quiet, like somebody pushed the mute button. What is this....silence? Total silence. At first I was shocked to find myself in a quiet mind and then I was immediately captivated by this unusual happenstance.
It was a rare, short but beautiful, moment because the internal dialogue that anxiety creates is unique to anxiety sufferers and it never ends. We are always worrying about something, anything, and everything. This is why I wanted to create a brief window into my life, giving people an idea of what its like to live with anxiety.
Then, the next moment, it was gone. All the brain chatter came rushing back.
What if I get sick? What if I die? What if they don't like me? What if I don't get accepted? What if I fail? What if I hurt someone? What if I mess up? What will they think of me? What's going to happen if I go? I'm hopeless. I spend too much time thinking about my thoughts. I could slice that persons face.
Suddenly, my brain shoots into overdrive. Whats wrong with me? Who thinks thoughts like that? Why do I have these thoughts? Maybe I'm a murderer. I should go to hell or maybe I should die.
What if I die now that I've thought that? ok. ok. ok. We've got a problem! *Heart starts racing* I've got to get help! I need to text my mom. So, I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I search for my moms number but all I can see is pixels, even though I can see clearly in my mind where my moms name is, my eyes just can't focus on the task at hand. I'm still to worried that I'm going to die.
I could stab that person walking by.
WHAT?!?! Summer!! How could you ever think something so awful?! I must be the worst person on the planet! No one else would ever think something like that.
The Dr. said lots of people have these thoughts occasionally...but that can't be true. Nobody thinks like that. I must be a psycho-murderer at heart.
I could punch that person.
WHAT?!?! NO!!
I NEED TO GET RID OF THESE THOUGHTS!!
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Still there...
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You have now survived just 10 seconds in my brain. For anxiety sufferers this continues for hours and hours on end.
Although my mind is a crazy place at times, I find comfort knowing I don't need to battle alone.
"Moses answered the people, "Stand firm and you will see the the deliverance the Lord will bring you today....The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." (Exodus 14:14)
I feel as though I fight anxiety every moment of my life but what a comfort to know that God's got it all under control, I need only be still. The people were despairing but Moses encouraged them to watch the wonderful way the Lord would rescue them. Moses had a positive attitude! When it looked as if they were trapped, Moses called upon God to intervene. WE may not be chased by an army but we may still feel trapped by anxiety. Instead of giving in to despair when all these thoughts are rushing through our mind we need to only "stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will bring...The Lord will fight for you you need only be still."
