NEW WEBSITE!!

Hello everybody! I am excited to announce that a while back I moved my blog to a new custom domain (website address). Please go check it out and subscribe by to get my blogs sent directly to your email inbox!!

www.lifewithschyff.com

Thanks for your support!

xoxo Summer Schyff

#GetLoud

The lives of people with mental health conditions are often plagued by stigma as well as discrimination. People with mental health conditions are often depicted as dangerous, violent, unpredictable, manipulative, fakers, dramatic, or exaggerated. This stigma is a reality for many people living with a mental illness, and it's one of their greatest barriers to living a complete and satisfying life.

This week, this very stigma prevented me from getting proper medical care. 

I went to see a specialist who I had been waiting a VERY long time to see. Her resident came to talk to me first then he went to talk to the Dr privately. She came in and told me that the only possible reasons my thyroid levels could fluctuating is because I'm either not taking my medication regularly or its not being absorbed properly (but she's "pretty confident that that's not the issue").

I TAKE MY MEDICATION EVERYDAY-WITHOUT FAIL!! 

...Sometimes an hour or so late...but I never miss it...

Then she tells me we should stop focusing on my symptoms as medical symptoms and start looking at all my other diagnosis'. (Clearly, referring to the mental health piece.) My mom asked, "So you looked at her mental health records and assume that's all this could possibly be?" To which the Dr bluntly responded, "Yes, that's exactly what I think." She repeated over and over and OVER that we should get blister packs (prepackaged scheduled pill containers from the pharmacy). We told her that we put my meds in a pill organizer that is just as effective but cheaper. The Dr insisted we use blister packs because "The pharmacist puts the exact doses of medication in each day."

Seriously!? You're saying that you think we are COMPLETELY incapable of putting my meds in the pill container?? And WHY would I purposely take the incorrect dose!? I KNOW how sick I feel when my levels are off! And if we're not doing it properly then why are the rest of my meds dispensed, absorbed, and working right?? If this is all a mental health problem, why am I doing so well mentally, right now, while my symptoms are so bad?

And to top it all off she told me, "There is absolutely no connection between mental health and thyroid function." Really!? What about when my depression got really bad in December and January when both times my thyroid was extremely low? Then as soon as my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) went back to normal I was FINE mentally! How do you explain that? Coincidence? Probably not.

What doctors need to realize is that we, as patients, don’t expect them to know everything. We really don't. However, we do expect them to listen and treat us like intelligent, rational people. Maybe some of us are square and don’t fit into the round holes most doctors see everyday; but that doesn’t mean our symptoms aren’t real.

I also believe that this Dr may not have had any other ideas as to why my thyroid levels are fluctuating and I have all these other symptoms. She may not have an answer...honestly that's ok.

What is not ok is her treating me like dirt.

It is not ok for her to completely write me off (before she has even met and talked to me!) just because I struggle with mental illness and my symptoms and labs are not textbook.

I am not just "a mentally ill" person. I am not my illness. I have a mental illness, yes. But I am so much more than it. I will not stand to let my mental illness be all that other people, including health care professionals, see.

This stigma is NOT OK!

So, how are we going to change it? 

We are going to bring as much awareness to mental health as we possibly can. We are going to shout it from the rooftops! (Too much?)

You, my faithful readers, are all going to tell your neighbours, friends, brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, and especially your children, that:

Mental illness is not something to be scared of. It can be scary to go through, certainly, but it is only a chemical imbalance in a persons brain. Make sure you tell them (this is important!) that it is not a personality flaw or character trait!! It is not fake, exaggerated, or dramatic. Tell them that, any type of mental illness can be serious, debilitating, and in some cases the person may even put themselves in dangerous situations (again, remember that this is not for attention-it is a sign that a person is ill and needs some form of treatment). Tell them that mental health problems are VERY common. Try to find a story of someone who has struggled with mental health and have recovered or are recovering. It can be mine, another friends', a family members', or anyone's really. Just share a story of hope.

If you have struggled with anything mental health related I strongly encourage you to share your story with people!

~If you have been open about your struggle, than I am so proud of you! I know just how difficult that can be; the uncertainty of people's reactions can be utterly terrifying! Please keep sharing your story-make sure to keep it as hopeful as possible!!

~If you haven't told many people about what you have/are going through, I encourage you to tell at least 2 people-anyone! Start with me if you have to. You will be surprised at how many people will be supportive, how many people will be encouraging, and how many people have their own untold stories that you would never know about otherwise.

~If you are struggling silently, please, please, please, talk to someone! It's extremely scary to open up to someone about something so personal, especially to a stranger, but it's so freeing. Through talking to someone you will learn ways to deal with or manage your symptoms, and that is a wonderful feeling.

It will do the world so much good if we all could talk freely about mental health, without talking in hushed tones.

It is crucial that those on the front lines, who may be working with people who have a mental illness, receive the education and support needed to help manage bias. Programs need to be developed to teach health care professionals to identify and manage their biases toward mental illness and the people who have the mental illness, so that it doesn't interfere with clinical care. 

Training more people across the medical field in mental health issues creates the possibility of incorporating mental health screening in primary care settings, promoting early treatment and emphasising the physical component to a mental illness. There also needs to be education about the physical-psychological connection of mental health conditions and physical illnesses.

People most definitely should not be discriminated against because of their mental health conditions whether past or present. And certainly not by so called "health care professionals." It's just not ok.

This isn't the first time I have been discriminated against and I don't think it will be the last time but this time, I'm not letting it just slip by.

We need change and to get there I need your help! Please do your part to help raise awareness! Time to #GetLoud!

**THIS IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK!! (May 2-8th)** So even more reason to #GetLoud!

Ruins

If you’ve ever felt like part of your life was in ruins, then you certainly aren’t alone. Maybe you’ve uttered things like this:

My health is disintegrating.

I'm never going to recover.

This struggle will never end.

My marriage is broken.

My finances are in shambles.

This relationship can never be repaired.

My kids are a wreck.
I'm a wreck.

I’m completely devastated.

Yes, we’ve all been in a place at one time or another when we would definitely say something or someone in our life is in ruins.

When thinking about our response to something that’s in ruins, I’m reminded about the story of Nehemiah in the Old Testament. Upon hearing the news that the walls of Jerusalem were in ruins, having been burned with fire, this was his response:

"When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven." (Nehemiah 1:4)

I think there is something here we need to recognize in how we should respond when faced with devastating news that crushes us to the core. 

He acknowledged his hurt and pain. 

He wept. 

He mourned. 

Even went without food for a while! 

But he did all this…before God.

When we are smack in the middle of an impossible situation, we bring our hurts before God. We pour out our hearts to him. We don’t have to hold it all together for fear of what might come out of our mouth. I love Nehemiah’s transparency before the God of heaven! He doesn’t hold anything back. He empties himself completely before God.

But the story doesn’t stop there. If you continue reading, you’ll come to chapter 2, verse 17. This is where we gain even more insight into our next step when we are on the brink of despair:

"Then I said to them, “You see the trouble we are in: Jerusalem lies in ruins, and its gates have been burned with fire. Come, let us rebuild the wall of Jerusalem, and we will no longer be in disgrace.”" (Nehemiah 2:17)

First of all, who are the them he is referring to? He is speaking to his people–fellow Israelites who were exiled with him years before. God’s people!

When we’re faced with devastation, we don’t go running for comfort and support to people who aren’t believers in Christ. 

We rally around those who are on the same journey of faith.

And then Nehemiah takes a step of courage.

A step of faith.

A step towards healing.

He doesn’t stay stuck in his despair.

He begins the process of rebuilding.

To stay stuck in misery and hopelessness would be disgraceful. He doesn’t want to stay there! And he realizes he can’t do it alone.

Dear friend, if you are stuck in despair and staring at broken pieces of your life: pour out your heart to God. He knows your pain and hurt. Give it to Him.

But don’t stay there.

Just like Nehemiah, look around you. Lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ. Accept the fact that you can’t rebuild in your own strength.

It might be a long journey to recover from what you’re going through, but I can promise you God will lead you one step at a time, just as he guided Nehemiah through one brick at a time.

He’s a master at taking things in ruins and redeeming them for His glory!

Even When It Hurts

These past few months have been a roller coaster. One week I'm feeling fantastic, the next week I'm sliding into a deep pit of depression with a side of psychosis and dissociation, then the next week I'm feeling mentally well but physically unwell, into Strathroy hospital, home, into Strathroy hospital again, then home, into Parkwood hospital, then home. 

It's draining.

 But, when all hope seems lost, I remember that not all is lost to the God of the impossible. He can take us through this place of weariness, weakness, pain, and struggles, and bring us to a new life of peace. We live in a fallen world so (I hate to break it to you but...) not all things are going to work out as we hope they will. We do not know the future or what's going to happen but we can rest assured and know that even in these terrible struggles, the worst situations, seemingly hopeless circumstances, God will work all things out for our good. That is truth.

Your struggle, situation, circumstance, however painful it may be, is the path that God is using to reveal more of himself to you. He knows you are going to need to lean on Him to get through this and that dependence is OK. In fact, that dependence on God is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Your struggles will not - cannot defeat you. They may appear to be taking you down but they are actually helping you to rise above. God will shape and transform your heart through this trial...but only if you allow Him. Why this particular, incredibly painful, trial? Honestly, I don't know. We may never know this side of heaven. We just have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that His plan is to prosper us, not to harm us, and to give us a hope and a future.

We must learn to trust Him even when it hurts.

We must stand in faith no matter how big the storm that is overwhelming our life.

Some days trusting God seems like the hardest thing to do, other days it's a breeze, as if it were the only thing to do. The Lord brings the tide in and takes it out. He controls the wind and the rain. The sun rises at His command. He certainly has perfected His purpose for our lives and will provide for what we need.

Don't let your weariness make you think that God does not care for you when your prayers seem unanswered. His mercy and unending love are with you even now. He knows what you are doing in your life. He sees your tears and holds them in a bottle. He does not forget your name, where you are, or any other little detail about you. He is the God of all possibility and ultimately all things must bow to His will for your life.

The days are growing short and evil is abounding. Take joy knowing that even through Satan, the hand of God is in FULL CONTROL. He will never fail you nor will He let anything in this world destroy you.

Be strong. Jesus' promises give us peace no matter what happens here. None of these struggles we are going through - physical illness, mental illness, death of a loved one, stress, overwhelming business of life, social problems - can impede the purpose He has for us or the love He has for us. He knew our stories before the foundation of the earth. 

Trust that even in this mess, God will be with us. 

That is the hope that separates believers from the rest of the world. 

*if you're not a believer or you haven't accepted Christ into your life and you would like to know more about these promises that could be for you too-contact me! Or if you would like prayer or someone to talk to-contact me...I would love to hear from you! (summerschyff@hotmail.ca)

Recovery Update: The Joys and Sorrows of 2015

It's that time of year again when we evaluate everything we have accomplished over the past year.

THIS YEAR so much has changed! 

I spent the first 4 months (of a total of 9 month visit) in the new Parkwood mental health care hospital. During that time I received electro convulsive therapy (ECT-read past blogs for more info on that part of my journey). The ECT helped SO much but it was really only part of the treatment I needed to fully recover. Although my Dr. at that time thought that this was all I needed and I just needed to work out the rest with a psychologist (who I happened to not get along with...for good reasons). So, even though I was still struggling with severe OCD (that seemed no further help could be offered) and major dissociative episodes, my psychiatrist decided to send me home in May. 

I was home for a total of 3 weeks where I struggled through each and every day and night. After I had been home for a few weeks my primary contact at the hospital suddenly changed (I'm not ok with sudden changes!) and then my psychiatrist announced she was moving to a different hospital and I would be getting a new Dr. 

I felt shaken. Everything that was supposed to be my constant was shifting and the crazy thoughts in my head began to take over. Not just my mind but physically through dissociations.

So then, crisis after crisis occurred and my parents became understandably drained and had no choice but to let the crisis team to admit me to the hospital AGAIN. I spent several consecutive days unable to speak or communicate past nodding/shaking my head for yes or no. When I'm in this state I'm very irrational and tend to do things to hurt or injure myself badly or just run away, usually to somewhere unsafe (like the train tracks). I actually have very little memory of these times. I am very grateful for that but the things I do remember haunt me. Fortunately there are no full memories just little snapshots every once and a while and the memories of trying to get my bearings-calling my beyond-worried-mother when I "snap out" of the dissociation.

Once I was admitted I found out I would be put on a different unit than I had been on in my past stays over two years. I was super nervous about this move but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened! The nurses on this unit seemed to have a different perspective and had less judgement. Along with the new unit came a new psychiatrist! Again a huge, terrifying, change! But it worked out wonderfully!! I was supposed to see my new outpatient Dr (who I hadn't met yet) just a few days after I was admitted. So this lovely lady came to see me inpatient. She just walked into my room and started talking to me like we knew each other! Apparently she had come the day before and met me but I was in a dissociation and didn't say a word to her! She probably had no idea how she was going to help a patient who didn't talk! Eventually my new psychiatrist,  Dr. N, recognized my confusion and we did our introductions. I would soon find out what an incredible answer to prayer this Dr. was.

It didn't take me long to grow attached to Dr. N and apparently the feeling was mutual because she wasn't planning on taking on inpatients but she kept me (as inpatient then later as an outpatient!). As we got to know each other better she recognized how big a problem the OCD was and started me on Memantine: an experimental med for OCD and eventually Valproic Acid to help with the dissociations. This combination worked! Can you believe it!? After too many years of suffering my mind FINALLY had some relief!! And it took a while, but combined with individual "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" the dissociations came to an end too.

Isn't that a happy ending!?!? 

Suffering, suffering, suffering...then boom God sends some healing! 

When you think you can't go one more step...God steps in and walks a thousand until you have the strength to go on your own again. When you think you can't handle one more bad day...God sends someone to make you smile or laugh. If you think you're never going to get better, you think you're going to die from this terrible illness, you think your situation is completely hopeless...I promise you with everything in me, that God will step in and show you HEALING-but it will be on His time not yours. In the meantime He will be holding your right hand.

This time last year (it feels like so much longer than that!) I was in a really, really, terrible place. I did not have any desire to live or fight off my illness. When I reflected on the year that passed I felt like such a failure. I hadn't done anything to get me closer to my goals. In fact, my goals had turned to dust and all I was doing was passing time. This part of my life was so terrible that I don't even remember much of it, like I blocked it out of my memory. 

Now that I'm passed that, I'm doing everything I can not to go back, but I do need to look at this time so I can see and ponder all the wonderful ways God protected me: from cars passing when I dissociated on a street, from trains while I walked the tracks, from my countless suicide attempts, and from small things like infections from my deep cuts from the glass I picked up. It really is a miracle that I'm still here today. Now, near the end of this year, I thank God for the blessing of life. Even though it's still tough. I'm not yet fully recovered. Far from it, actually. But I'm way farther than I was. Somedays I still have to fight SO incredibly hard. It will be like that for a while still but I believe the worst is past. This is clichéd but: because of these struggles I am stronger, my faith is unshakable, I look for blessings more, and live life fully.

I can honestly say, for the first time in quite a while, that I am REALLY looking forward to all that the new year has to bring! I'm excited to have Zoë by my side full time. I'm excited to keep working on my OCD (well...sort of...it's the hardest thing to ever do but it has results that improve the quality of my life!). I'm excited to keep working on other aspects of my mental health and excited to (hopefully) get some answers for my physical health. I'm excited to be going to church again like normal people (as opposed to leaving the sanctuary or sitting in the balcony). I'm excited for the possibility of online courses in the fall (if things keep improving as they have). I'm also excited for small things, like, the possibility of living an outpatient life, the possibility of making new friends, and hanging out with old friends (doing fun things instead of visiting in a hospital setting).

Most of all I'm happy to just be living the life of a happy person.

So, thank you God, for an INCREDIBLE end to the year! I owe it all to you! I just want to know the person who created me and blessed me with this new outlook, better. I am fully yours!

To all those who haven't gotten this far in recovery yet...you will get there. It feels impossible and lonely. This journey is hard, I know. The way I feel now is so worth the fight! So I can't push you enough to keep fighting with all (even if it's only reaching out your hand!) the strength you can muster. You're going to make it because I am praying for each and every person who reads this blog.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have been following this journey! Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me, kept in contact, hugged me, taken time to make (temporary) changes-until I can overcome more of my OCD, to those who have gone out of their way to help me with my anxiety, or to those who just made me feel normal. I love and appreciate you all! 

I feel like a brand new person.

Personal Update and How You Can Pray For Me

Personal update and how you can pray for me: 

Right now, mentally, I am doing quite well! Praise The Lord! For the most part my OCD has been manageable and the dissociations have been minimal no big "episodes" where I run away, get lost, cut, and loose contact with reality (although at times I have to work really hard to fight them off 👊 I've learned coping skills that actually help!). Although things are all well right now I will still have bad days ahead. 🙏 Please pray that I will continue to take life one moment at a time. Pray that I will be able to remember the good days when I'm having bad days and most importantly pray that I have more good days!

I've been coming off of one of my main medications 💊 [nosinan-my antipsychotic] (due to side effects). The first time I came off of it I was a wreck!! I had a major dissociative episode and then almost 3 weeks of days after days of complete dissociation. So we went back on it and added a new medication that would hopefully replace the old one. I'm SO happy to say that this switch has been quite successful ! I'm almost off the nosinan (i was on 100mg now im down to 25mg!). 🙏 Please pray for the remainder of this switch! And that this new "mood stabilizer" continues to be effective.

My Dr says that if things continue to be stable and I'm feeling good we are looking at discharge from the hospital in a couple weeks! YAY! And I have a good feeling about this discharge because my team is so great, flexible, and supportive!

On the downside my seizures have really been acting up over the past week. They had been pretty controlled for such a long time but I've had 4 big ones this week and luckily only minor injuries have occurred! 🙏 Please pray that we can figure out why I'm having this flare all of a sudden. Please pray that these episodes stop happening. Pray for safety if they are to occur and pray for Zoë  as this is great training and experience for her! 🐶

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

In these troubled times (and all times) God isn't just some far off god who created everything who now just sits back and watches us run around like maniacs...NO God is a loving humble God who actually cares for us! He can do anything in the entire universe but He chooses to come care for us and hold us up. How incredible is that?

Father, we are in awe of your love and character. We praise you for all you've done and all you have yet to do. Help us to love you with a passion even as we're struggling.

A big thank you goes out to all of my prayer warriors out there-I have the most wonderful supporters from all over the world! God has really blessed me with the greatest friends and family, dog, Dr, rec therapist, and team ever!

Enough

Some days are just hard. 

I'm numb but everything hurts. I'm sick of hurting; sick of crying myself to sleep; sick of faking a smile; and sick of feeling worse. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot and there is so much more that I keep inside so it doesn't hurt anyone else. Then sometimes I get physically sick because I feel so "not good enough," because I "can't do anything right," and I'm too tired to go on.

The thing is, alone, I'm not enough. Alone, I can't fight this, And that's OK because, praise the Lord, we are NOT alone and with Him we are ALWAYS enough.

Someone, somewhere needs to hear this today. If that's you, I just want to take a second to tell you how enough you are. 

You are genuine. You are wise and you are compassionate. Your struggles have shaped a kind and gentle heart. You are purposeful (trust me you really are). You are loving and you are courageous. You are intuitive (your gorgeous soul always knows best). You are capable (even when you don't feel as if you are) and you are adaptable (or else you wouldn't have made it this far). 

You are extraordinary and with God on your team, 

you are so enough it blows my mind.

God wants you to know that you don't have to fight alone. 

Give in to the loving arms He's reaching out to you. 

You have the Holy Spirit here to comfort you, teach you, and help you. 

Now go take some time to go love yourself and the wonderful God who created you.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. "(Psalm 139:13-14)

A Moment In My Mind

I was asking myself "what's wrong with me?" Why do I always have such awful thoughts? Then, in that moment, my brain chatter went completely quiet, like somebody pushed the mute button. What is this....silence? Total silence. At first I was shocked to find myself in a quiet mind and then I was immediately captivated by this unusual happenstance.

It was a rare, short but beautiful, moment because the internal dialogue that anxiety creates is unique to anxiety sufferers and it never ends. We are always worrying about something, anything, and everything. This is why I wanted to create a brief window into my life, giving people an idea of what its like to live with anxiety.

Then, the next moment, it was gone. All the brain chatter came rushing back.

What if I get sick? What if I die? What if they don't like me? What if I don't get accepted? What if I fail? What if I hurt someone? What if I mess up? What will they think of me? What's going to happen if I go? I'm hopeless. I spend too much time thinking about my thoughts. I could slice that persons face.

Suddenly, my brain shoots into overdrive. Whats wrong with me? Who thinks thoughts like that? Why do I have these thoughts? Maybe I'm a murderer. I should go to hell or maybe I should die. 

What if I die now that I've thought that? ok. ok. ok. We've got a problem! *Heart starts racing* I've got to get help! I need to text my mom. So, I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I search for my moms number but all I can see is pixels, even though I can see clearly in my mind where my moms name is, my eyes just can't focus on the task at hand. I'm still to worried that I'm going to die.

I could stab that person walking by.

WHAT?!?! Summer!! How could you ever think something so awful?! I must be the worst person on the planet! No one else would ever think something like that. 

The Dr. said lots of people have these thoughts occasionally...but that can't be true. Nobody thinks like that. I must be a psycho-murderer at heart. 

I could punch that person.

WHAT?!?! NO!! 

I NEED TO GET RID OF THESE THOUGHTS!!

3

6

9

12 

15

18

21

24

27

30

33

Still there...

3

6

9

12...

You have now survived just 10 seconds in my brain. For anxiety sufferers this continues for hours and hours on end.

Although my mind is a crazy place at times, I find comfort knowing I don't need to battle alone. 

"Moses answered the people, "Stand firm and you will see the the deliverance the Lord will bring you today....The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." (Exodus 14:14) 

I feel as though I fight anxiety every moment of my life but what a comfort to know that God's got it all under control, I need only be still. The people were despairing but Moses encouraged them to watch the wonderful way the Lord would rescue them. Moses had a positive attitude! When it looked as if they were trapped, Moses called upon God to intervene. WE may not be chased by an army but we may still feel trapped by anxiety. Instead of giving in to despair when all these thoughts are rushing through our mind we need to only "stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will bring...The Lord will fight for you you need only be still."  

Break up letter

Dear OCD,

Sometimes I wonder why I was cursed with you. Day after day I stand here tormented by you. At times your anxiety grips me so hard I can barely breathe. You caused my immobilizing seizures. you're so unreliable! You always tell me to panic when I have an unsafe thought when no one else would be phased by  such a thought.

I hate that you are aware (or at least part of you is aware) that my anxiety doesn't match up with reality. Part of you tells me that my fears aren't going to happen. Part of you is rational. 

But only part.

And that's painfully cruel! You've taken over my brain and made my brain betray me. Brain, you have to know how cruel that is because even though I know I should let this fear go-you won't let me. Even as you taunt me with reality you still force me to clutch that anxiety to my chest.

You make me go to war with myself, making me ruminate until I'm physically and mentally exhausted. You make my thoughts bounce back and forth like  pinball machine. You send out 600 "what ifs" per hour. The only way I can let go of these thoughts is through sheer exhaustion.

Sometimes I hate you, brain, and because you are a part of me...sometimes I hate me BUT I don't have to take this anymore. Now I'm standing up to you! I'm not going to let you control my life anymore. Until now our relationship has been built on fear and that's just not healthy. Relationships need trust and I just can't trust you. So, I guess this is it...I'm breaking up with you. I don't want you to be part of my life anymore. I'm taking the necessary steps to get rid of you for good. Good bye OCD...I'm moving on from you.

            Sincerely,

        Summer

No Mistake

Sometimes our walk with God is not so much a "walk" but rather a weak, tired, crawl; sometimes its a climb up mountains of trials. This year has been packed full of trial after trial. Every single day has been a struggle. Some days I see no point in existing. This is when God grabs a hold of my heart and gives me purpose, reminding me why I'm here. Then I continue trying to live for Him. I try but so often I get distracted by c o m p a r i s o n.  I start comparing my life to the lives my friends have: going to school, going out, making new friends, having fun, working. 

Twenty-year-olds should be either working or going to school...certainly not spending two years in a psychiatric hospital. How am I supposed to be setting an example for younger kids when I can't even stay home alone and how am I supposed to shine a light for Jesus when my life is in shambles and I'm surrounded by darkness? I even question God: "How am I supposed to continue living for you when for three years I haven't felt you moving?"

What do you do when your whole world continues to fall apart? You either hold on to your brokenness and let it consume you or you turn back to Jesus and let Him calm your storm.

I guess I forget that God can use us wherever we are because He placed us here. Somehow God is going to use me right here in Parkwood hospital, even when it feels like the only thing I've done all year a survived. The ALMIGHTY God did not make any mistakes when He planned our lives. We are the right person, in the right place, at the right time. God designed us and our lives perfectly for the race laid out for us. God has fully equipped us for this life and His mercy is far greater than any mistake we could ever make. The same God who holds the stars in place is holding my life in place. He can use a broken life if only we have faith. Faith in God includes faith in His timing. I may not be doing what other twenty-year-olds are doing but I will get there eventually.

Sometimes our walk with God is not so much a "walk" but rather a weak, tired, crawl, sometimes it's a climb up mountains of trials...BUT it doesn't matter if we're walking, crawling, or climbing, God is right beside us faithfully leading us through.
 

It's Okay

These days people seem to make a big deal of telling people to "hold on" or "be strong"...but you know what...? 

It's okay to not always be strong. 

It's okay to break down and it's okay to cry. 

Some days are just hard and we need to accept them as they are. Some days all I can do is cry out to God to come save me from this mess of a mind I carry on my shoulders. Some days my heart is in such a shamble that I wonder how I managed to get dressed in the morning never mind                                                                               survive the day...but you know what...? 

                                             That's okay too. 

Some days are just hard and that's okay. 

Having a bad day and breaking down doesn't mean you're going to have a bad day everyday. 

It simply means that you had a bad day. 

Crying on a hard day doesn't make you weak, it simply makes you human. 

It's okay to not always be okay and it's okay to not always be strong. 

Fight when you can but relax when you need to. It's okay to be scared and overwhelmed just don't let it consume you. 

Let it be okay to not be okay and okay to not always be strong. When we are so weak we feel like quitting we must allow God to continue to carry us through no matter how badly you want to give up. Gods power is made perfect when we are not enough.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

  ~2 Corinthians 12:9New Living Translation (NLT)

Personal Update-January 2015

Over the past year and a half I have been battling severe depression (which leads to suicidal thinking)-along with psychosis (Which is mainly controlled with medication now) and severe OCD. In that time my depression has been in a downward spiral. Even with each medication we tried I've just been feeling worse and worse. Medications were making me feel hopeless. I felt as if every few months my dr would say, "Here's another medication to try. It may work but probably not so welcome to your life for the next two months while we wait to see if this works" (OK, maybe they didn't quite say it like that...) Then every few months I would report "No change" (in fact, I was feeling worse). I've been stuck in a hopeless downward spiral of depression. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but the OCD makes me need to try and distract myself  from my thoughts. No matter how hard I've tried to make myself feel happy I'm just not. Happiness feels so distant; out of reach.

Because nothing is helping my depression we are trying electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday they put me to sleep and then shock my brain into a controlled seizure. The weird thing about ECT is that no one knows exactly how/why it works. All they know is that it "resets" the chemicals in the brain. 

I started ECT on Wednesday (Jan. 21st) and I'll have up to 20 treatments. There is a lot of hope that ECT will work for me. I've seen a few other people have really great results from ECT and I'm hoping to see the same for me. So far I've only had two treatments so it is too early to see a change but the treatments have gone really well-my body is responding well to the treatments.

After the ECT is finished we will still be going to Toronto to get assessed and get some treatment for the OCD.

In the Bible, Canaan was a land with giants. The Anakites may have been 7-9' tall. Many of the walls around the city were up to 30' tall! The Israelites fear was understandable but not justified because the All Powerful God had already promised them victory. Sometimes I find myself fearful of the war raging inside my heart. The battle of good & evil; joy & sadness. I focus on the negatives and doubt God will actually pull through and help me find victory. 

"Where can we go? Our brothers made us lose heart. They say the people are stronger and taller than we are with walls up to the sky. We even saw Anakites there.Then I said to you 'Don't be shocked or afraid of them! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you just as you saw him do in Egypt and you saw how The Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you travelled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place."  Deuteronomy 1:29-33

Although the road God wants us to take is sometimes scarier and harder, God has promised to lead the way and take care of us just as He has brought us this far in our journey.

Please pray that I will trust God when he says He will win the victory in my battle. Please pray that the ECT works and for as few side effects as possible.  

Held by Invisible Hands

Dear God,

I don't understand why you've placed me on this journey. Don't you see that it's too hard for me? Do you see me? Do you care? Where are you? Why aren't you helping me? How long will you leave me here struggling just to breathe? I'm drowning in pain; I weep all night long. My cheeks are stained with tears. How long must I wrestle with these thoughts and live with this sorrow in my heart? I've built up all these tall walls around me to keep everyone at a safe distance but I'm lonely, Lord. Heal me because I cannot go one more step. I am faint; my mind is in agony; all night long my soul is in anguish. I'm worn out from all my anxieties. How long, O Lord, how long?
Sincerely, The Hurt and Broken

Dear the Hurt and Broken,

I have heard your weeping. I keep track of all your sorrows. I have collected all your tears in my bottle. I have recorded each one in my book. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time for war and a time for peace. There is time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven. My timing is perfect for I know what I am doing. Although this season hurts, I have a plan for your life, trust me. Do not give up this fight because I know the outcome. I have already won the Victory. Daughter, I love you so much.
Sincerely, God

Dear God,

I'm sorry that I ever doubted you. I know that you are perfect and holy. I'm so grateful that you hear every tear that falls and answer every request. Help me to take hold of my faith and hang on no matter what the storms of tomorrow bring. Right now hope is dangled in the winds of uncertainty. I don't struggle with whether you will deliver on your promise to make something beautiful from the shattered remains of my life-I just wonder when. I thank you that I have recovered enough to believe that things will get better...somehow...someway. And maybe, just maybe, you're not finished with me yet. Please help me to survive until the next chapter of my life.
Sincerely, your Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Remember that I am holding you with invisible hands. Don't worry about the rest.

Sincerely, God

How You Should Not Help Me

My last post was about how to help me and what to say so I thought there should also be a post about things NOT to say to someone who is struggling with a mental illness. So many people want to help me but aren't exactly sure how...so instead they chat away and tell me about what helped their "Great-Aunts-Cousins'-Sister-in-law" when they were depressed 25 years ago...I'm sorry, but what helped you or your friend may not work for me, and quite honestly, I don't really want to hear about it. Here are some examples of what NOT to say to someone struggling with an mental illness:

DON'T SAY:

Have you tried....(I get this one a lot)
Do you have any unresolved sin in your life?
There's always someone worse off than you
No one said life was fair
Don't feel sorry for yourself
Everyone gets depressed
Get over it
Just think positive
It's your own fault
Believe me, i know how it feels. I was depressed once (for several days) and I just ___ and then I was fine!
Snap out of it
You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
You’d feel better if you got off all those pills
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger
Go out and have some fun
I know how you feel

All of these statements show that you don't know what your talking about. Most people don't understand....and that's really ok! I would prefer it to be awkwardly quiet than hear one of these phrases. Try inserting some of these 


Hey, diabetic, you'd feel better if you came off those meds.
Hey, paraplegic, so you can't use your legs, we create our own reality.
Hey, person who has MS, I know how you feel.

You get the idea. These sound completely unreasonable, and it’s no more reasonable to say to someone struggling with mental illness

I do understand that people don’t know they are being hurtful. People are trying to help. I get it. But here’s the thing, my illness is just as real as anyone else’s. Please stop forcing me to convince you.

And a Personal Update:

I've been back in the hospital for the past 3 months. We are waiting to get an OCD assessment in Toronto to see if they can offer me the OCD treatment that I need and I'm also meeting with a research team. If they decide that they can't help me there than we will start filling out info to head to Boston's OCD program. Please pray that we can have the assessment soon so I can finally get good treatment that I desperately need!  

REPOST: Dear Hurting Friend (Saturday, 22 February 2014)

To my dear hurting friend,

Are you struggling? Are you worn out and tired? Do you feel like you are about to give up? Then hold on! Be strong! Hope is coming for you! If you have made it this far than you are a fighter!

I know what it feels like to think you're drowning and believe you're not going to make it to the other side of your mountain. I know what it feels like to reach your breaking point. You say you "can't do this anymore." You feel as if life is too much for you to handle and you would rather just die so you can be with Jesus. You feel like your life is out of control. You think you've gone too far. You've even convinced yourself that God could never love you. I've been there...actually I'm still recovering from that place. I know you will struggle to believe these next words but I promise you, with all I have in me, that these are all words of truth!

It's a daily battle for me to believe the things I know to be true. Somedays I win; somedays I loose, but thank God the final battle has already been won! We have victory in Christ! One day (in God's timing) Christ will bring us to the place where he will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more pain, sorrow, crying, or death. What a wonderful truth!

This trial that you're going through is not the last word! God has written the final chapter and it is about fulfillment and eternal joy for those who love him. Eternity with God will be more amazing than we could ever imagine! Hearing about how awesome heaven will be makes me feel so impatient...I long to be "home" with Jesus NOW...but that is not His plan. God's plan and God's timing are perfect. He has a purpose for you-an amazing plan that ONLY YOU could fulfill-before he calls you home. 

"He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be My son[daughter]." ~Revelation 21:7

The people who overcome "stand firm to the end." Following Christ requires boldness and bravery to stand for him through these difficult trials. Yes, He is carrying us (especially when we don't "feel" him) but we must do our part to walk with Christ with all the strength we can muster up. THEN, on the days we are too weak we must cling to His promises with every last ounce of strength we can find. On our darkest days when we barely have the strength to call out his name we can merely whisper his name and He will hear us. Sooner or later life turns upside down for everyone. When life gets hard the road to recovery may not be painless. It may not be quick but God is going to use this struggle for good...trust Him.

Your friend, Summer 

REPOST: Not That Different (Tuesday, 29 April 2014)

Hello, my name is summer. I am 19 years old. I have blonde hair. I have a great family. I love art and I have a mental illness.

It's hard for me to separate who I am from my illness so I'm sure it must be extremely difficult for other people to separate. Some people almost take a step back from someone who has a mental illness. Maybe it's because they "don't understand it", they think they "can't relate to it" or maybe it's because they can't separate the person who has the illness from the illness itself. I think we do this because we can't physically see mental illnesses; it's not like having a broken leg which we can clearly see and understand. 

The funny thing is we can all relate to it! How many times have you imagined a really bad senario in your head about something-a test, a meeting, or a date? You pictured the worst and got in a panic about it then it actually turned out fine. How many times have you been so down that you just wanted to stay in bed all day? How many times have you gotten worried because you couldn't remember if you actually locked the door? We all go through these experiences...just some of us go through them daily. If we look at the stigmas attached to mental illness, we see that we can all relate to them. They're not so scary and weird now, are they?

But what about the people who have these experiences everyday? What about the people who can't live their lives because of them? Why can't they just stop worrying about things? Why can't they just find some motivation? Why do some people have these experiences everyday while others can just dismiss them?

It's because having these experiences to the extreme is an illness. There is a neurochemical imbalance that makes it nearly impossible for these people to prevent these experiences. These people cannot "just get over it" on their own because they have no control over them.

We are not all that different from each other.

REPOST: I HAVE OCD...SO NOW WHAT? (Saturday, 9 November 2013)

Saturday, 9 November 2013In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.

In my last post I talked about all the distressing thoughts that OCD puts in my mind and about he type of OCD I have (harm OCD) but it can be treated! I may always struggle with some aspects of OCD and depression BUT it will be manageable. I am fighting super-hard with homework from my group so that someday I will be able to live a normal life that is not controlled by OCD.

OCD makes up all these “rules” that become mental compulsions. (If a person has contamination obsessions, they compulsively wash their hands as a reaction to the contamination thought.) In reaction to my violent obsessions I repeatedly count by 3’s up to 33 to neutralize the thoughts, distract myself, or suppress the thoughts. Also, in reaction to my thoughts I have given the colour red ‘special power.’ I avoid the colour red as often as possible-I don‘t look at it and I don’t touch or use-anything red because I am afraid that the colour will make me lose control. I also have‘superstitious compulsions.’ I am afraid that stepping on vertical lines will make me loose control and make me act on one of my thoughts. I know that these things are ridiculous! But at the same time, I just cannot bring myself to do (or not do) these silly actions. That’s Just how OCD works. 

So how do I recover from OCD?

My treatment for OCD involves medication to help with the strong anxiety (& depression) and alsocognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a way of re-training my brain and body. The compulsions are so strongly engraved in my mind that they are just automatic! Sometimes I don’t even realize I am counting! 

On Tuesdays my CBT group learns about OCD and the cognitive part of therapy. The cognitive part of therapy focuses on the mind and the thought processes. On Fridays my CBT group does“exposures” which focus on challenging behaviours. When I say “exposures” I mean exposing myself to the things I am really afraid of or exposing myself to the extremely high anxiety that comes from not doing a compulsion. Now, that Is the really hard part because it‘s the exact opposite of what OCD is telling me to do! (And may I add… OCD is preeeetty convincing…) 

For example, I have a fear of my thoughts and feel that the colour red will make me lose control and act on my thoughts. That is why I don’t look at red, touch red, and or wear red…and certainly not do any of these things while having terrible thoughts. So, to help get rid of that fear I need to expose myself to both red & my thoughts. 

We start out with "easy" [quotations because it's not really easy at all...just the most 'do-able'] exposures-things that cause me anxiety but not so much anxiety that I wouldn‘t be able to sit with it. Then we build on it. 

1. My first exposure was just to simply write down my thoughts-even though that felt like it was making these disgusting, horrible, images and thoughts even more real. 

2. My second exposure was to look at something red for a while and allow my thoughts to come.

{Allowing my thoughts to just be there instead of pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself has turned out to be the most difficult peice of all the exposures}. 

I began by looking just as long as long as I could stand the anxiety. Then, as I pushed myself, I could look at red for longer periods of time . It seems like a simple task but It caused me so much anxiety! 

3. Then I wrote my thoughts in red. And eventually posted them on my wall (DEFINITELY not something I wanted hanging there-but that way I could be exposing my self even more to the thoughts).

4. For my fourth exposure I started to wear red shoes AND allow my thoughts to just come rather than pushing them away, fighting them, or distracting myself with counting.

5. THEN… I BOUGHT A RED SWEATER TO WEAR! (Around the house)

6. This week I am starting to wear red 

A L L. T H E. T I M E.

Right Now: sometimes I can look at red things without even thinking about it!! Other times I am still able to easily challenge myself when | automatically look away. I catch myself looking away and I can say to myself,

“Hey, It’s just a colour. I CAN look at it. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

Then I force myself to look at it.

When I started wearing red my anxiety level would stay between 80/100-100/100.
Right Now: wearing my red shoes while there is no “dangerous” situations my distress level is only 20/100 and wearing the red sweater while I’m at home with no “dangerous” situations my distress can sit at just 50/100! {Just 2 weeks ago the lowest it would go is 70/100 after sitting for several hours with 85-95/100}.

I get so easily discouraged when I think about how far I still need to go to be in control of ODC but I really need to keep it in perspective. I have been living with ODC for 12 years and I have only been in this group for 9 weeks. 

These 9 weeks are the only time in the 12 years that there has been improvement!*

 Before this group started I would have said that ALL of the exposures I have now done were completely impossible but praise the Lord I’ve make it this far and that Never Once have I ever walked alone.